in a bad place guys...so lost right now.

[this_big]

Seems like the only time I come here is when I'm on my ***, and for that I'm sorry. I could really use some positive words right now whether Via written kick in the *** or otherwise.
Sorry if this is all over the place, my head is all over the place.

Here I am AGAIN... broke, busted, and disgusted. I found this site back in 08 09.. Id give my right arm to be back there right now! This crap has gotten WAY outta control. I started Subutex back around July. Its been going really well...I say that but really thinkin about it..its not! Was started @16mgs a day..haven't taken anymore than 12. No less either! According to my "contract" I'd be dosed down every 3 months...yeah..that hasn't happened. This Dr is no better that my PM Dr. He just wants that $150 every month. Its funny because my visit printout every month says we talked about the importance of aftercare and all kinds of crap...Never happens! I go in pee in a cup and wait for a Dr to come in and ask me.." just need your refill?"..yep! And I'm on my way. I've just taken advantage of the situation. Wish I'd never gone that route... Or did a lil more research on the subject/Dr.. ugh.. Brings me to where I'm at... I missed my appt this month...3 weeks ago..since then in search of some relief from the WD I have blown over a grand in pills...funny..I haven't had the $200 to pay for Dr/Rx.I have smoked crack...bad idea BTW!!!! And my newest adventure..Neddles!! I can't believe I just typed that. That **** makes so sick to my stomach to even hold one...ugh.. its crazy cause in the back of my head I'm justifying this crap. "Its okay your holding a crack pipe cause you feel like ****. I'm only gonna bang these pills till I can get back to the Dr"..yeah..I'm starting to crave that ****. And that's crazy cause I've NEVER craved a " buzz" from pills..only to feel "normal" whatever the hell that is...  This has gotten way the **** outta control. I just don't know if I have it in me to go through friggen WD again.. I always think that! I always think that my situation couldn't be worse...***** slap!! Oh yes the **** it can!!! Unreal!! Progression right?? I HATE I was dealt this card!! I HATE being an addict!!

I know ultimately its up to me to get clean. I'm trying to do something different by coming here instead of running out and getting something. I know if I do I'm gonna put it in a needle... my family can NOT find me that way. The last one I think about got me...I cannot my believe my life has come to this...unfrigginbelievable!!!

[Hjk77]

Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support

[this_big]

Coming up on around 60hrs and ive made the decision I'm gonna do this...this will hands down be the most trying time. Everything is working against me and doing cartwheels in my brain...I HAVE to work today!! Believe it or not as much worried about the being out in PUBLIC or dealing with PEOPLE as much as getting paid. To top it off a " buddy" is going to Dr today and owes me. I was supposed to give him a ride...I did cancel that but can't bring myself to tell him...ah don't worry bout the 10 30s you owe me..ugh.. I'm like manic about that right now!!  oh the feels going on right now. I used to take my little *** boat 60+ miles offshore to maybe catch some fish..no problem...this **** has me so nervous, you couldn't drive a straight pin in my *** with a jack hammer!! God help me!!

[atthebeach]

60 hours is great. Tell your "friend" he doesn't owe you.
You can gain control of your life. I just read your journal about how you
Liked to be on your boat, the thrill of it all.
You get regain that thrill. Something to work towards.

What are you going to do different this time?
There is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
There is hope of a life clean and sober.
Dig deep my friend.
Cut all your sources, get to meetings. Counseling, church,
Rekindle your old hobbies, boating, fishing,stay away from all
The people, places and things associated with your use.

There are free programs to go to that don't smell.
Victory outreach
Teen challenge

There are outpatient programs.

Keep fighting, you are In the battle of your life.
Don't let the demons of your mind and soul win.
Sending prayers, support and encoiragment

[msdelight]

Keep on going! Don't give up! We are all here to help you through this. Sending good vibes and prayers your way. L.

[laurel453]

we are all here with you...pulling for you !!!!!!

[atthebeach]

How are you doing?
Please check in.
Remember there is always hope.