Aa
rough day
Just need to vent. I've been good for over a week - but today all I can think about is getting a pill. Was doing about 10 vics a day and stopped ct. I'm at work and feel like I could put my fist through a wall. I know I can't start again, but boy for some reason I'm really missing that fuzzy feeling today. I've gone back and forth so many times quiting and then starting again I don't want to do that again.
I believe aftercare is important also. (NA, AA, support groups, therapy.)whatever works for you.
ALWAYS remember...One is too many, a thousand is not enough!
Glad to see you posting about it!!! Good work.
ALWAYS remember...One is too many, a thousand is not enough!
Glad to see you posting about it!!! Good work.
that is why I need this site. At anyone time there are some Patton moments and that was one.
Goose bumps man. Thank you for posting this. This will help tremendously. Think I will print it out and keep that with me.
I was still having frequent and very strong cravings well into my third month. Initially I think my cravings were triggered by breathing. Either that or life was simply a state of craving with occasional periods of non-craving. I think the amino acids from Gant's book helped alot, along with good food, sleep, exercise and time w/o using.
By the time I got home after four months of rehab it seemed that cravings were mostly triggered by PLACES and THINGS associated with my addiction ((I still avoid all of the "PEOPLE"). Just driving past a certain intersection or being in a certain area would bring that MUST USE NOW feeling all over (and through) me.
I, found that three things have really helped me with cravings.
FIRST, I try to avoid the dreaded People, Places and Things, unless I have a truly bona fide reason not to. PP&T's are an incredibly strong force for relapse - they are not safe. If I can't avoid them, I take someone trusted, who knows about my history, with me and I let them know about anything going on in my head while I'm there (in greater or lesser detail, depending on whom I'm with). If I can't avoid being at a Place or around a Thing by myself, then I pray about it before I do it, keep it as short as possible and talk about it as soon as I can. Eventually most of the Places and Things that had other, legitimate, roles in my life lost their power in my life. For example, I used to be overwhelmed by walking into a public bathroom, because for so long every trip to the bathroom meant that I was crushing and snorting a tab in the stall (or on the counter if I could lock the door). Now I hit the Men's Room, for the intended purposes only, and only rarely does it even spark a memory of how I used to misuse them.
SECOND, I try to deal with the craving in my mind as soon as it appears. Step one is simply not romancing the craving. I'm going to have a tough time getting over a particular craving (let alone cravings in general) if I sit around thinking about using as if it's actually a lost lover who made life wonderful, but without whom life seems empty. It's counterproductive, false and dangerous. Step two is to get my mind on something else -- I can't STOP focusing on a given something, I can only START focusing on something else.
Alot of people use prayer to deal with cravings. Early on I was taught to pray something like "Lord, please remove the obsession and compulsion to use" and to pray that over and over until the craving stopped. Later someone else told me that such a prayer was a bit like praying "please don't let me think about that monkey on the couch, please don't let me think about that monkey on the couch, please don't . . ." - I was affirmatively keeping in my mind the very thing that I wanted removed from my mind. He suggested that I come up with a prayer that affirmatively asked for what I wanted. What I came up with was "Lord, please grant me peace and serenity in my Recovery." That has worked better for me.
THIRD, I don't keep secrets about cravings. I tell someone about them (and using dreams) as soon as I can. At first this was a bit hard. I was ashamed of the cravings. I'd think things like: "What is WRONG with you??? How could you possibly still be having thoughts about that cr@p after what it almost did to you and your family. If you can still want to do THAT, then you are truly worthless!" Now I believe that that line of thinking is simply wrong. I have cravings because I'm an addict, not because I'm a bad or worthless person. Cravings emanate from the same part of the brain in which addiction resides and it's a part of the brain over which I have no control. Perhaps more importantly, that line of thinking is pro-addition and counter to Recovery.
Every time I tell someone I trust about what my disease is trying to do to me it seems to diminish whatever hold or power that craving appeared to have. Frequently, only someone else in Recovery can a) actually grasp the gist of what we say about cravings and b) let us know that we're OK, accepted, still on track, etc., regardless of the cravings. As understanding as an "Earth Person" may try to be, most of them simply cannot grasp the concept of why we a) don't just stop doing something that's clearly bad for us and b) how we could ever consider, for a second, a return to that conduct.
I do go to AA meetings. Initially, and for the first 250 days, I went to at least one meeting every day. Now I average of 5 a week. The meetings have been a pretty important part of my Recovery. I have a Sponsor and I've worked the Steps.
I also go to a counselor. I started that as soon as I got home from rehab and it was once a week for about a year. Then it was every-other week and now it's about once a month. I think it helps. I'm sure it doesn't hurt.
Another thing that has been HUGE in my Recovery is being subjected to random drug screens at home. I got these very frequently at first. They didn't even have to be random because they were given so often that if I had used even once since the last time I'd test positive. Gradually, they became less frequent and completely frequent. Now I might not have one for 8 weeks and then have 3 in one week.
The beauty of the drug screens is that they completely destroy the illusion that takes so many addicts back into active addiction. Rarely does someone who has built up some clean time just wake up one day and decide to return to full blown active addiction. That would be a conscious decision to destroy their life. What most addicts do (what I always did in the past) is decide to use just a little bit. They are adamant that they don't want (and will not allow) it to be like it was before, but they simply want/need a little today or perhaps now and then. That's the illusion for an addict - it will never be "just a little" or only "now and then." As soon as the drug hits the brain the addiction is reactivated and it, not them, is in control. A week or so later they are going "OH MY GOD, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"
With the random tests I simply can't fall for that limited/safe use illusion. There's no way I can buy into that lie because ANY USE will result in a positive test. Under the strict one-strike rule in my home, that's the same thing as making a conscious decision to destroy my life.
[--->in the interest of full disclosure, I first posted the above on 10/11/07. Today I just cut, pasted and corrected a couple of typos<-----]
CATUF
Day-961
By the time I got home after four months of rehab it seemed that cravings were mostly triggered by PLACES and THINGS associated with my addiction ((I still avoid all of the "PEOPLE"). Just driving past a certain intersection or being in a certain area would bring that MUST USE NOW feeling all over (and through) me.
I, found that three things have really helped me with cravings.
FIRST, I try to avoid the dreaded People, Places and Things, unless I have a truly bona fide reason not to. PP&T's are an incredibly strong force for relapse - they are not safe. If I can't avoid them, I take someone trusted, who knows about my history, with me and I let them know about anything going on in my head while I'm there (in greater or lesser detail, depending on whom I'm with). If I can't avoid being at a Place or around a Thing by myself, then I pray about it before I do it, keep it as short as possible and talk about it as soon as I can. Eventually most of the Places and Things that had other, legitimate, roles in my life lost their power in my life. For example, I used to be overwhelmed by walking into a public bathroom, because for so long every trip to the bathroom meant that I was crushing and snorting a tab in the stall (or on the counter if I could lock the door). Now I hit the Men's Room, for the intended purposes only, and only rarely does it even spark a memory of how I used to misuse them.
SECOND, I try to deal with the craving in my mind as soon as it appears. Step one is simply not romancing the craving. I'm going to have a tough time getting over a particular craving (let alone cravings in general) if I sit around thinking about using as if it's actually a lost lover who made life wonderful, but without whom life seems empty. It's counterproductive, false and dangerous. Step two is to get my mind on something else -- I can't STOP focusing on a given something, I can only START focusing on something else.
Alot of people use prayer to deal with cravings. Early on I was taught to pray something like "Lord, please remove the obsession and compulsion to use" and to pray that over and over until the craving stopped. Later someone else told me that such a prayer was a bit like praying "please don't let me think about that monkey on the couch, please don't let me think about that monkey on the couch, please don't . . ." - I was affirmatively keeping in my mind the very thing that I wanted removed from my mind. He suggested that I come up with a prayer that affirmatively asked for what I wanted. What I came up with was "Lord, please grant me peace and serenity in my Recovery." That has worked better for me.
THIRD, I don't keep secrets about cravings. I tell someone about them (and using dreams) as soon as I can. At first this was a bit hard. I was ashamed of the cravings. I'd think things like: "What is WRONG with you??? How could you possibly still be having thoughts about that cr@p after what it almost did to you and your family. If you can still want to do THAT, then you are truly worthless!" Now I believe that that line of thinking is simply wrong. I have cravings because I'm an addict, not because I'm a bad or worthless person. Cravings emanate from the same part of the brain in which addiction resides and it's a part of the brain over which I have no control. Perhaps more importantly, that line of thinking is pro-addition and counter to Recovery.
Every time I tell someone I trust about what my disease is trying to do to me it seems to diminish whatever hold or power that craving appeared to have. Frequently, only someone else in Recovery can a) actually grasp the gist of what we say about cravings and b) let us know that we're OK, accepted, still on track, etc., regardless of the cravings. As understanding as an "Earth Person" may try to be, most of them simply cannot grasp the concept of why we a) don't just stop doing something that's clearly bad for us and b) how we could ever consider, for a second, a return to that conduct.
I do go to AA meetings. Initially, and for the first 250 days, I went to at least one meeting every day. Now I average of 5 a week. The meetings have been a pretty important part of my Recovery. I have a Sponsor and I've worked the Steps.
I also go to a counselor. I started that as soon as I got home from rehab and it was once a week for about a year. Then it was every-other week and now it's about once a month. I think it helps. I'm sure it doesn't hurt.
Another thing that has been HUGE in my Recovery is being subjected to random drug screens at home. I got these very frequently at first. They didn't even have to be random because they were given so often that if I had used even once since the last time I'd test positive. Gradually, they became less frequent and completely frequent. Now I might not have one for 8 weeks and then have 3 in one week.
The beauty of the drug screens is that they completely destroy the illusion that takes so many addicts back into active addiction. Rarely does someone who has built up some clean time just wake up one day and decide to return to full blown active addiction. That would be a conscious decision to destroy their life. What most addicts do (what I always did in the past) is decide to use just a little bit. They are adamant that they don't want (and will not allow) it to be like it was before, but they simply want/need a little today or perhaps now and then. That's the illusion for an addict - it will never be "just a little" or only "now and then." As soon as the drug hits the brain the addiction is reactivated and it, not them, is in control. A week or so later they are going "OH MY GOD, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"
With the random tests I simply can't fall for that limited/safe use illusion. There's no way I can buy into that lie because ANY USE will result in a positive test. Under the strict one-strike rule in my home, that's the same thing as making a conscious decision to destroy my life.
[--->in the interest of full disclosure, I first posted the above on 10/11/07. Today I just cut, pasted and corrected a couple of typos<-----]
CATUF
Day-961
These cravings sometimes are worse than the w/d's. I wish I could tell ya how to make them go away but I can't. They drive me nuts sometims and now that I'm almost at 3 weeks my mind keeps trying to justify that 1 or 2 would'nt hurt. I know that would make me start all over again though. Stay strong my friend and we shall truimph. It has to get easier. It just has too. As they say One Day At A Time
Aftercare. I don't want to repeat myself, but it is essential. Well, at least it is for me. I can't do this alone. I found that out the hard way, too many times to count.
Good Luck. I hope you get through this.
Good Luck. I hope you get through this.
thanks. I've got the recipe. The postings help alot. This feeling just caught me off guard. I took .25 of xanex and am gonna sneak out and take a quick (freezing) walk around the building. Thanks very much for responding! Good luck to you
Eat some really dark chocolate 70%+ cocoa. It helped me with cravings. Have you looked into the Thomas recipe? I have it in my journals.
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