Aa
to hell and on my way back
Ill keep this short because I'm sure many of u doubt anything I say, with good reason. Most of you probably think I'm dead. And frankly, after these last 2 months I should be. How I am still alive, employed, and somehow landed a wonderful and smokin hot new girl is beyond me. I have a dr appt in 2 wdeks to beg for help. I went from simply abusing oxy, to speedballing 2-4 bags of rock mixed with the oxy and a gram of H. God must really want me around for a bit longer and I cam no longer ignore this fact. You will be hearing from me again soon. Only good things from now on.
Hi!
I'm new here as of Jan. & I know the majority of these posters have been clean &/or here for good amt. of time. All I can say is to not give up because I used heroin, cocaine, alcohol & Methadone for 31 yrs. I'm 47. I should have been dead several times over. I realize now that I wasn't truly interested in stopping even though I've buried a lot of friends. It's a sort of madness, the denial - the lack of clarity. (Although - I did cool it in the last 6 yrs.) Perhaps, I was given "too many chances" but I'm Oh so grateful, now. So, I'm in no position to shake a finger & I know that kinda' thing used to send me further from help. The thing is that things didn't start to change for me until the way I thought & looked at the world & myself shifted. If you keep walking down the same street - you'll fall into the same hole. Simple as that or as Einstein said: "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used to create them." When things "shifted" for me I realized that as "adults" we are all ultimately responsible for the things we feel, think & do -- that our perception -- character & habits -- not the external pressures/other people -- are what we create our problems from. It's a scary concept but one that must be accepted in order to be liberated.
This past Dec. 25th I took my last dose & walked. It was the 1st time in my life that I TRULY KNEW I actually wanted to be clean. I'm still ill of course, but I welcome it with gratitude. I'm staggered that I'm doing it. I thank the universe & everyone who's supported me on this site & the people w/ long clean time who do "service" & are such an inspiration. So, all I'm saying is something has to give - to change- in the way you're looking at things -- it's not really about just letting go of the drug -- as I'm sure you know.
I believed I was a "lifer" for so long that I wore it as an identity and used it as an excuse. Something to think about anyway.....
Wishing you the "shift" you need
I'm new here as of Jan. & I know the majority of these posters have been clean &/or here for good amt. of time. All I can say is to not give up because I used heroin, cocaine, alcohol & Methadone for 31 yrs. I'm 47. I should have been dead several times over. I realize now that I wasn't truly interested in stopping even though I've buried a lot of friends. It's a sort of madness, the denial - the lack of clarity. (Although - I did cool it in the last 6 yrs.) Perhaps, I was given "too many chances" but I'm Oh so grateful, now. So, I'm in no position to shake a finger & I know that kinda' thing used to send me further from help. The thing is that things didn't start to change for me until the way I thought & looked at the world & myself shifted. If you keep walking down the same street - you'll fall into the same hole. Simple as that or as Einstein said: "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used to create them." When things "shifted" for me I realized that as "adults" we are all ultimately responsible for the things we feel, think & do -- that our perception -- character & habits -- not the external pressures/other people -- are what we create our problems from. It's a scary concept but one that must be accepted in order to be liberated.
This past Dec. 25th I took my last dose & walked. It was the 1st time in my life that I TRULY KNEW I actually wanted to be clean. I'm still ill of course, but I welcome it with gratitude. I'm staggered that I'm doing it. I thank the universe & everyone who's supported me on this site & the people w/ long clean time who do "service" & are such an inspiration. So, all I'm saying is something has to give - to change- in the way you're looking at things -- it's not really about just letting go of the drug -- as I'm sure you know.
I believed I was a "lifer" for so long that I wore it as an identity and used it as an excuse. Something to think about anyway.....
Wishing you the "shift" you need
You sound positive which will help you move forward. Keep that positivety to help you in the rough moments. So glad to hear you dropped the other drugs and looking for help with your dr to get off the opiates too. We have all been scared for you..and in my humbld opinion I see you taking baby steps towards your recovery. A little timid, catiously and slow. Once you get that help, you will pick up your speed and embrace recovery for your new life. In the meantime, I will offer prayers that you continue forwards and that you are protected and that you will be open to the help you have been given and will receive. Be careful with the opiates and not raise your ceiling with them after dropping the heroin.
Hi Beyond...good to hear from you. I hope you find the help that you need at the doctor. Keep us posted...
HadEnough, I am glad you posted again. I do want to point out a few things. It's much easier to receive responses if you start a new thread instead of staying on one. Quite often it looks like someone has received lots of support even though they have asked a new question within an older thread. People coming on to offer support see an older date and all the responses and think that they have been "looked after" for lack of a better term.
Also, some of us don't have experience with the particular drug of choice, like suboxone or methadone and don't feel qualified to answer someone's question.
Please remember we are all addicts whether we are recovering or still struggling and we try to do the best we can. We offer our time freely and the reason we still come here is for help for ourselves or to help others.
Beyond Screwed is well known to the forum and we will never give up on him.
Please post new threads with different questions if you need our help and I am sure you will receive the support you need, remembering that sometimes the forum is quiet as we all are trying to live our lives as well.
Also, some of us don't have experience with the particular drug of choice, like suboxone or methadone and don't feel qualified to answer someone's question.
Please remember we are all addicts whether we are recovering or still struggling and we try to do the best we can. We offer our time freely and the reason we still come here is for help for ourselves or to help others.
Beyond Screwed is well known to the forum and we will never give up on him.
Please post new threads with different questions if you need our help and I am sure you will receive the support you need, remembering that sometimes the forum is quiet as we all are trying to live our lives as well.
I've read through most of this guy's posts, and the advice being offered. It is bothersome to me that all the good people have devoted so much time and energy to someone that seemingly doesn't care 2 bits about actually getting even remotely clean, while others don't get near as much help. There's only so much you can do for the poor guy over a forum. I'm not saying to throw in the towel; just that there are so many people that DO want the help and support.
To me, this poor soul seems like he may have Munchausens disease. Always posting something grander than previously, rarely responding, and not listening or heeding anything people say.
Maybe his saga shouldn't bother me, but to see all the resources offered to him and not others is one of the biggest reasons that I said I was done reaching out here. It hurts to see people that reach out and really want to change their lives, only to get a handful of responses.
To the OP, I hope you hit bottom and wise up before you hit the bottom of a hole 6 feet deep. I can't offer you anything that others haven't already except a prayer. You certainly need it.
To me, this poor soul seems like he may have Munchausens disease. Always posting something grander than previously, rarely responding, and not listening or heeding anything people say.
Maybe his saga shouldn't bother me, but to see all the resources offered to him and not others is one of the biggest reasons that I said I was done reaching out here. It hurts to see people that reach out and really want to change their lives, only to get a handful of responses.
To the OP, I hope you hit bottom and wise up before you hit the bottom of a hole 6 feet deep. I can't offer you anything that others haven't already except a prayer. You certainly need it.
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