whos out there w/ding with me?

[beatbutnotbroken]

8 days clean off of methadone 105mg tapered down to 45mg...went thru the first 5days in a detox.(thats all they could hold me for) last 2 days they gave me 4 doses of subutex 4mg 4mg 2mg 2mg then said ur good to go RIIIGGHHT. the first day out i felt ok then the next morning I felt pretty good, and then it crept up on me like a assassin. first the anxiety and heart pounding then the aches of bones and joints. there was a point it was so bad i forced myself to sit still and accept the pain just kinda welcomed it in my body then my feet kinda just went numb with a vibrating sensation. lasted about 15mins then had to get up and walk around. and oh my the head games are worse than i ever thought its like my brain is so fing confused and i have no control over it, i get really angry sometimes like i wish this disease could manifest itself in a physical form so i can beat the **** out of it. but all in all im doing ok 8days in and running the road of recovery never to look back at the drugs chasing me. MH and the people here have givin me so much support and kindness it has really helped me a lot so i just wanted to try and give some back. keep posting for support. together we can beat this, KEEPING THE FAITH.......

[lulu747]

Ok a bump as Gnarly said.  It's crazy to me that people use marijuana and don't consider it a drug.  I've done my fair share of recreational drugs in my youth and pot ALWAYS makes me feel high.  When I went off the opiates the first time I was prescribed it for pain.  I felt way more altered on it than I did on the opiates and it also made me paranoid and depressed.  So yeah, stay away from it.  I could not put ANY mind altering substance in my body for over a year after getting clean.  Part of that was fear of cross addiction (even though I'd never abused another substance other than cigarettes) and part of it was that I knew I need to be CLEAR to work recovery.  After a lot of hard work I went back to drinking the odd glass of wine with dinner.  I never in my life want to feel high or drunk- EVER.  I love my clarity.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This is just ME.  I know many addicts who cannot touch any substance.  They will always end up abusing it.  Plus, we have to be aware every time we put ANYTHING in our body, why we are doing it.  If we're trying to fill a void or avoid something that needs to be dealt with and talked about.  Addicts crave escape.  But there is no escape from ourselves.  We must sit in our sh*t in order to take responsibility for our lives and our emotions.  Sometimes it ain't pretty, but it is always worth it.  KNOW THYSELF.
So just brush yourself off and get back to your meetings.  I can tell by how you write your posts that you are truly ready to surrender and humble yourself fully in order to walk a path of true recovery.
I'm so proud of you Josh.  I am so loving watching your journey unfold.
xo
Lu

[EvolverU]

Hey Josh :)

You're doing great! We learn through experience, no way around it. Sounds to me like you did some serious thinking & feeling & came to the right conclusion for you. Go with your gut, it won't steer you wrong. Good luck @ your meeting. :)

[gnarly_1]

Hi Josh good to see you....so you hit a bump in the road to recovery I know I did.. you dont loose the war as long as your willing to keep fighting try not to get discouraged your realized this quickly and after you been around the fellowship you will realize it is not about the drugs we use.. the disease is about the very way we think  if it works for a old dope fiend like me I know it will work for you so ''today I wont use no mater what''.. and im confident you wont after a lesson learned
..................................................Gnarly.......................................

[beatbutnotbroken]

Relapse??? I know now I am powerless to my disease of addiction to all mood altering substances. . Including marijuana. Found that out last nite...just know that was and will be my last time. And how I found this out was because when that bowl met my lips with fire and I inhaled and when I exhaled the false gratification came over me...and in that moment I realized im powerless to any mood altering substances...this was hard for me feeling powerless...and after 28 days I know this now, poowerless I surrender to this and know if I use my disease my allergy to drugs will cause me and the people I love great pain...even if it is weed. Why do they call it dope....dope....im finding my way thru this and my feet are still running the road to recovery...I hit a wall yesterday but managed to push and break thru it...now today I am going to my home grp and will have to confess to my burning desire I had last nite...and so for today I am 1 day clean except paxil and nicotine...I will be free one day at a time

[beatbutnotbroken]

Ty for sharing your story so far....I look forward to the rest. Let it all out...

[krisnile]

I think your name is Josh, hi I'm Kristie I read all your post and everybody's that wrote you man I've laughed,cryed, got chill bumbs, WOW it was like I was reading a book but real.I just wanted to tell you my story about them evil methodones  if I may..when I came out of the hospital after being on morphen for so long they gave me methodone  to help with the withdraws from the morphin drip! ( please accuse my spelling I'm dislexed I spell words like I say them ) hope u can figure out my writing!!! LOL, okay anyway I was 31 years old when I had my mortercycle wreck in 2003 like I said evil to get off another evil.... That's what I'm going to call them in my story OK...also remember I have never taking a painkiller in my life , actually I never heard or seen or knew anyone that took them,at this time in my life I just left my husband of 11 years found him f------- my best friend for over two years...that's another whole story... Anyway had two kids by him they were 8 and 5 at this time,I left the day after Christmas.... I found out to weeks before I stayed cause I didn't want to wernin there Christmas... That was a long two weeks, anyway 6 months later I had that  mortercyle wreck and my husband just canceled my health insurance two weeks before my wreck... Okay I'm home from the hospital road rash from head to toe and broke tail bone over 200 stitches in my face and over 200 from the top of my crack to my private... Thank god I wore my boots that day I had on flip flops I changed right before I left doctor said those boots saved my foot,sorry I keep getting off my point but I want to paint a picture of were and when I was at this time of my life, okay I'm home I take my first evil ( methodone) I was laying on my couch I looked down at my shirt and it was  big wet spot I looked up at my ceiling to see if I had a lick cause it was raining, and no lick...( you know what it was yet? ) it was coming out of my mouth I was druling  omg so I changed my shirt and though away the evil things,,,,, like I said I didn't know what they were,,,,if I knew what I know now I would had sold them bad boys... Lol okay I go to my doctor visit to get my bandaches changed which was every other day....the doc asked me was my pain meds working I told him I throw them away cause they made me fell drunk,so he wrote me for some vicodon, OK here we go...remember I've been on pain meds for 11  years. So I was on them for about 6 months still couldn't go back to work,,,,,,then doc put me on tramodol  man I loved them, was on them for a year....until I fell at a bar at 2 am last call for alcohol that's when I trippped on a handicap ramp! People was trying to get me up! I knew something want right I reached over with my letf hand and felt my right shoulder and I felt a bone sticking out my back of my shoulder and blood all over my hand, the bartender called 911 I WS drinking wild turkey 101 proof and Dr pepper will never forget that and I was the disanaer driver! Neatless to say I road in the ambulance, they asked me what was my pain level from 1 to 10, 10 would be like getting my leg cutt off he said. I said probably a 2 concerting what I've already been though. That was the turkey talking lol, so we made it to the hospital we were waiting for a doctor to come see me a hour or so goes buy and I'm starting to feel pain,my turkey was wearing off,omg i started yelling its a 10 it's a 10 ( my pain level ) they finally brought me two hydro 10s, ER people don't like drunks coming to the emergce room at 3 in the morning,lol plus the people I was sopoise to carry home followed the ambulance and was behind the certin with me so like 10 drunks!! We were pretty loud. Finally the doctor came he was trying to put a sling on me omg everytime he moved my arm I yelled ,he said his three year old broke his collar bone and he was up running around the next day! I said I'm not three years old plus its not my collar bone that's broke there's a bone coming out of my bank !!!!!! Sorry I got to stop writing for a few min. I'll come back and finish OK.