how do i cope?????

[witheredrose]

My mom is a breast cancer survivor, and while she was doing chemptherapy she got pregnant with me.(shes told me this a few times) The doctor tried to talk her into aborting me because I was at high risk for developmental problems. She refused to do it, and here I am now..miserable and afraid. I wish she would of,  because i dont think my dad wanted me and I dont think he wants me now. I dont belong here.  My dad drinks whiskey every other night, sometimes 2 nights in a row. And then when hes drunk he treats me like im dirt. I know hes drinking because of me, hes drank my whole life, but I wish he wouldnt be so mean all the time. He never tells me he loves me, my mom doesnt either.  Theyve never really showed love at all as long as I can remember. I dont know how to cope with it, the way he is when hes drunk, he calls me names sometimes. He has even told me "go cut yourself some more!" I hear the saying "a drunk mans thoughts is a sober mans words" and that makes it worse. Because now I feel even more like he doesnt want me or love me. Any odeas how to cope?

[pleasehelpme115]

Baby u need to find a way to get out of there! How old r u? EVERYONE here makes very good points and have given u GREAT advice but the truth is there is no way to cope with ANY type of abuse because. Person should NEVER get abused at all. Not mentally sexually or physically. I am just confused to why u want to stay in a abusive enviornment filled with addiction. Your mom does in fact love u but its her job to protect u with her life even if she has to protect u from your own father. It sounds like your mother and yourself need to get out of that house. U will always b depressed and filled with anger and rage because u r human and no normal balanced human being wants to b abused on any type of level. I am sendiing u a cyber hug and praying for u.

[witheredrose]

I dont mean to make them upset, or anything like that.
I know my mom wanted me but I
Its my dad I think didnt want me.
It didnt shove my mom, I shoved my sister because she wouldnt get out of my face. I would never shove my mom. My sister and I just dont get a long and never have, shes always been mean to me. The only thing im thankful for about her is when she saved me from drowning, after my other half sister had asked me if I was and then just swam away, then my brother and sister  helped me. That story is in my journal entries.
She always calls me mean things. She makes me angry

[mammo]

Nursegirl makes a good point, your mom may be feeling responsible for your problems due to her chemo treatments.....she wasn't going to give you up!  You're seeing a lot and have a chance to learn from everything around you and not take the wrong path.  Plus, you should never shove your mom unless you felt you needed to protect yourself and this wasn't the case.  There's obviously much more to your story then I am aware of, but I do wish you all the best.

[nursegirl6572]

Rose, it sounds like addiction runs in your family.

I think your Mom just has a full plate.  We've all talked with you about this a lot.  She keeps trying to do everything in her power to help you get better, she probably feels powerless!  I agree 100% with mammo..I think she's telling you your birth story to stress that you ARE wanted, and were wanted back then.

I cannot IMAGINE as a mother myself, how scary it would be for me to have a daughter who was cutting, barely eating some days, depressed, scared, dreading school, afraid to go to the doctor...see what I mean?  She's seeing this all around her...and probably feels largely like a failure, especially with your siblings battling addictions, stealing, etc.  I think your Mom is probably depressed herself, and that may be why you see her drinking here and there.  Thank GOD it isn't out of control, YET.  She carries a lot of guilt I'm sure.  She probably thinks SHE is directly responsible for your issues.

Look at how she defended you to your aunt?  She stepped up and protected you.  If she didn't care or just didn't want to be bothered, she wouldn't have gave it a second thought.

Just keep doing what you're doing...keep trying.  As YOU feel better, I think SHE will feel better too, and then communicating will get easier.  As for your Dad...just leave him be when he's drinking, as much as you can.  None of their issues are your issues.

By nature, and due to your disorders, you overthink everything.  You have to consider that too.  I think you tend to overthink these relationships, and because your self esteem is low, you blame yourself for all the problems in the world.

It will be okay.

[witheredrose]

No, there is nothing else going on. Just the above, hes actually pleasant when he isnt drunk.
I dont want to be the blame but I honestly think I am and I find it hard to convince myself otherwise.  
I love my mom and dad, and thats how come I want to stay here. I just want to know good ways to cope with it. Its hard for me to ignore, thats not an option for me. I get easily defensive sometimes even over the slightest helling. I cant stand being yelled at, my mom does it a lot and it makes me want to hit things sometimes, not people(never), but it makes me want to break stuff.

[Life360_Dave]

You said you dont want to live anywhere else, describing all the above can you tell us why you want to continue living there. Is there something else going on that your afraid to mention here?
dave