how do i cope?????

[witheredrose]

My mom is a breast cancer survivor, and while she was doing chemptherapy she got pregnant with me.(shes told me this a few times) The doctor tried to talk her into aborting me because I was at high risk for developmental problems. She refused to do it, and here I am now..miserable and afraid. I wish she would of,  because i dont think my dad wanted me and I dont think he wants me now. I dont belong here.  My dad drinks whiskey every other night, sometimes 2 nights in a row. And then when hes drunk he treats me like im dirt. I know hes drinking because of me, hes drank my whole life, but I wish he wouldnt be so mean all the time. He never tells me he loves me, my mom doesnt either.  Theyve never really showed love at all as long as I can remember. I dont know how to cope with it, the way he is when hes drunk, he calls me names sometimes. He has even told me "go cut yourself some more!" I hear the saying "a drunk mans thoughts is a sober mans words" and that makes it worse. Because now I feel even more like he doesnt want me or love me. Any odeas how to cope?

[witheredrose]

She was always so mean to me, and still is. We got into a fight once, because I was sitting in my room minding my own buisness and she came in  started calling me names because I had told on her for something. She wouldnt leave sobi got up and shoved her into the wall then she tackled me to the my bed and tried hitting me in the face, and I had a good hold on her hair hoping she would get off and finally she ended up hitting me right in the side of the head just a hair away from my temple, and she hit me hard. I had a huge bruised bump there for days and she clawed chunks out of my neck. That still gets to me to this day, it haunts me because I had never been attacked like before, ore beat up period.

[witheredrose]

but I truly believe it is because of me, I cant convince myself different no matter how hard I try. Sometimes he will be in good moods when he is drunk but mostly hes abnoxious in a verbal way.
Thank you so much for your reply, im not sure how to begin talking to my mom.  She drinks just like him, but not as often..she can get a little bit on the  hard side too. My older siblings except one, ive had tobwatch them go through a meth addiction, stealing right under our noses. They had even took the cadalitic converter out of my dads car, and recycled it. They took 2 of his chainsaws, the second one he had went out and bought brand new because they stold his first one.
There was one time,my parents had drove to washington to try to get my other sister back here and away from her drug sources, and they left me with my other sister who was on drugs. She would leave the second I got out of school until 4 or 5 in morning and bring random guus back and they did drugs in our living room right in front of me. I found needles

[mammo]

Hi....I do feel your parents love you, and the fact that your mother wouldn't abort you speaks volumes, because they were making it very easy for her to do that.  She wanted you....perfect or not.  Your dad is dealing with his own demons and anger which unfortunately he takes out on you.  He needs help and until he's ready to get it, nothing will change.  I can relate to a lot of what you're enduring and I feel what's really important is to put the blame where it belongs and not on yourself.  Your parents actions towards you are not a reflection of you...but them.  Don't allow their actions to define who and what you are!  You've beaten the odds and were born healthy and with a purpose.  Sadly, many of us grew up without love and nurturing, so what we have to do is rise above this and know that we do matter and deserve a happy life.  Try to stay away from your dad when he's drinking, the less you have to deal with him and his words the better!  I would try talking to your mom as I do feel she loves you. Maybe the reason she keeps telling you her story is it's her way of letting you know how much she wanted you...and this replaces the "I love you".  She's dealing with an awful lot with your dad, maybe you can try to start some communication with your mom...even if you do it in a letter. Don't blame yourself for your dad's drinking, he's dealing with things that have been with him probably long before you were even born and is harbouring lots of anger.  Unfortunately, when we have this kind of anger inside we tend to take it out on those closest to us because we don't know where else to put it.  You beat the odds of even being born and are a wonderful inspiration to others on here!  Concentrate on YOU and what YOU deserve and want out of life and go for it!  You have only two years left before you can call the shots in your life, and you can't allow the life you've had rob you of the opportunity to have a happy and fulfilling life.  Think about what you want in life and work towards that.  Journal all your feelings and emotions, it's very therapeutic for us because it serves as a form of release for us.  When you feel like cutting...write!  You need to stop being a victim of your dad's, you have hope but your dad may be too far gone.  It's tough growing up feeling un-loved and not wanted, but I made it and so can you.  You need to love yourself and that will carry you so far in life!  I don't think there is any reasoning with your dad at this point, and it may be that he is so angry at himself for not being able to cope that he lashes out at you because you've told him how much it hurts you.  Sounds crazy, but this is how alcoholics think, they never accept the blame for anything.  Him telling you to "go cut yourself "may happen because it's actually hurting him that you do this and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to drink and then he lashes out because he may be feeling the guilt of having failed you as a parent.  I don't know, but I do know that you need to concentrate on YOU!  There's a bigger plan for your life and you don't want to miss a moment of it.  I hope I have helped.  Big Hugs to you.....

[Life360_Dave]

Your in an enviornment that is no condusive to a healthy growing life. If something dosent change in the way you re being raised you need to live in a place where you can grow and become a participating member in society. Cutting and hurting yourself wont accomplish anything but make things worse. you are your own person and must take charge of your life. You need to nurture yourself not hurt yourself. Is there another place you can stay just to see if it will work, just for a while?

[witheredrose]

I have told hime how much I hate it. Dont think he really kills.
I havent cut for awhile ive come close

[Life360_Dave]

Can you sit down and talk to your parents? Can you tell your dad that when he drinks your afraid? Are you cutting yourself if you dont mind me asking?