Girlfriend says she love me but needs space...

[july107]

So this is going to be a confusing one...  My girlfriend(ex) went to europe for a month and before she left our relationship was going really well.  I mean we had mini fights every once in awhile but nothing crazy.  When she left I felt the most comfortable I ever have with her and was 100% sure of her love for me and mine for her.  You see we've been together 4 years and we've had issues with trust at least on my end.  She has requested space on three occasions and every time I'm left felling like this could be the end but I support her.  The last time we were separated for 3 months and it was hard because she always told me she loved me and that we were meant to be together.  Finally one day she came around and I moved to the city where she lived as opposed to living 50 miles away.  We started our relationship again with talk of marriage etc. but wanting to take it slow because she still had some things to do like graduate college and go on these many trips with her friends culminating in the Europe trip.  She said after that she still might need time on her own...  So this was in January and reassured her that I would give her all the space that she needed and that things would be okay.  You see I know we both love each other very much and both know that we want a future together so I thought it would be okay.  So fast forward to June.  Things are going great.  She had been on many trips with her friends and graduated college and I never questioned her as far as me trusting her.  We were in love although my biggest problem is being affectionate because I guess I am unconsciously scared to fully open up because of all this "time" stuff we've been through.  I assure you its not that i don't want to be affectionate.  This was one thing she had troubles with.  So she leave to Europe and like I said I never felt more sure of us but slowly as the time past and our communication was very little because of the obvious I started to worry.  You see she planned on moving in with these 2 girls who are very single and still living up the party life.  I guess as the time went by I started to worry about her coming back wanting this time.  So I figured I would give her the space...  I still don't fully understand why but I thought that things were so good between us that we could survive a couple of months and it would bring us closer.  The two things left on her slate were finding a job and moving in with these friends so i figured if she could do those things without my constant attention that maybe she would feel confident and sure.  Then at the same time I could get rid of this "her needing time" fear as well.  So when she got back I knew I had to do it right away or I wouldn't follow through so I told her.  I know really bad timing!!  I will never forgive myself for that.  She reacted really badly and didn't want to talk to me.  I tried to tell her that I wasn't set on it but she withdrew and wouldn't change her mind.  My big insecurity in our relationship is that I always felt like I fought for her.  Everytime we took a break I never gave up and I always felt that if I didn't do that that things would just fade off...  So we had some heated emails where she said many mean things that she has since retracted but in the end she said she would contact me when she was in a good place.  2 weeks after she sent me a text wanting to meet up and talk and I sent a message a couple hours later because I was in a meeting accepting.  I then went out with a friend who was in town to see her with her friends but most notably with another guy.  This broke me.  A couple days later we talked and I was really angry.  She told me it wasn't anything but it was nice to be wanted...  She also revealed to me that when she came back from Europe that she was ready to take our relationship to the next level and that she was ready at the time.  All of this blind sided me because she never told me that at the time.  She again told me that she knew in her heart that we where meant to be together but that she wouldn't jump back into it.  Since then I have found out that she has slept at that guy's house a couple times supposedly never doing anything physical and she assured me that there was nothing there! She said they have nothing in common, that it was just nice to not have anything serious, that he was fun to hangout with and that he pursued her.  Everytime telling me I had nothing to worry about that she still loved me and that she still knew that we would be back together but for some reason she was unable to be with me now.  It has something to do with the hurt that I caused when she came back from Europe.  I am so confused and lost.  I never thought that this would turn out like this.  The last time we talked she said she just wanted to make her own decisions and needed time to do that... I told her that I supported that and would be here for her but I just can't get the fact out of my head that she is with this other person even though she assures me its nothing.  I am so lost! What do I do?

[teko]

She wants you to hang around and let her do what she wants to do? That is not love. I would highly suggest you end your torment and quit allowing yourself to be manipulated by her.  Wanting to have fun, live with the girls, go on trips and not have you interfere with it is very selfish and not the actions of a woman in love.  She sounds like a great manipulator and hey! You played right along! She set her priorities, its time you did the same.

[mami1323]

It's so easy to blame people's childhood's on how they act in their current relationships but it's not your job to see why she did what she did.  But if that's what you need to gain closure than that's what you need.  I hope you can move on.  One day she will realize what she had lost and she will most likely come back. Hopefully, you will have already moved on and won't fall for it.

[july107]

Yes you are pretty much right on!  Yesterday she told me to move on and forget about her so there is nothing else I can do.  You see she was raised by her mother who was always in abusive relationships and had to witness that through her childhood then when she was 14 she got in a relationship with was turned out to be a controlling, drug dealing, addict who cheated on her etc.  That lasted 4 years. Then she met me after they broke up for good.  We hit it off from the beginning on so many levels.  She was always hesitant jumping into another relationship but we had such a strong connection that it was hard not to.  She tried fighting this idea of needing time to find herself the whole relationship i think and now she is holding strong...  At least I know that so i can move on now.

[enemy48]

July, you're so easy.  You are her comfort zone.  And she can go to it when ever she feels like it.....because she can.  Plain and simple.  I do it all the time.

I choose to be single mostly because I can have what I want.  And guys like you are the ones I will target because you give it.  And when yall overwhelm me with too much attention that I'm not asking for.........I give the ole "i need space" line.  

You're not the one, sorry.

It'll take time to get over her, but you have definitely learned from it.  That's the positive thing.

Take care.

[jo929]

miami has it right, you are her comfort zone, she wants to party , play around and she wants to make sure she has someone to come home to, you are her comfort zone when she is tired, when she rests again, off she goes  luck  jo,

[mami1323]

This girl is playing you like a fiddle.  She basically wants to have fun and do what she wants to do when she wants to do it, hence the 3 requests for space.  It is because she wants to live the single life and knows deep down that she can come running back to you for comfort whenever she feels like it.  You are always there waiting for her with open arms.  I can most confidently say she was with other men during this time.  For whatever reasons it didn't work out with them, she knew that she had you waiting in the wings.  She doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship and she certainly doesn't seemed concerned with how you feel.  She also used that excuse that she now was ready to move to the next level right after you told her how you felt, just to make you feel guilty and to keep you on this begging trip.  Apologizing to her, telling her you were wrong and that you want her.  Her answers being like, nope too late, you already ruined it.  Am I close?  She is hurtful and selfish and loves the fact that you chase her.  She's not good for you.  You will see that when the time is right, you will find a woman who will easily reciprocate the same feelings.  You shouldn't have to give someone time to see what a gem they have in you.  Good luck.