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Avatar universal

wife left/worried

Not sure its a question but here goes....
I came to this web site three years ago with a terrible hydrocodone addiction, and after 12 long days of withdrawls, and working hard at it, I am 3 years clean. I have been happily married for twenty years (last month), and I did say happily!
I came home from work yesterday, and she was gone. All of her stuff and about $90,000 from our savings account.
I am devistated. We never argued, fought, nothing. We had made love the night before, and discussed vacation plans in the hot tub that morning. Now shes gone! Turned off her phone and just gone.....
I am concerned about my sobriety. Went to a meeting this morning, and I think it helped.
I'm not sure if I just want to know "why", or if something else is going on....
Everyone here has always had my back, and I credit them every day for saving my life 3 years ago.....
Please help me..................
177 Responses
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480448 tn?1426948538
Hi again!

Wow, that's just CRAZY!  Did she leave a note or anything?  $90K?  Whew!

I'm so sorry this is happening.  I wish I had some kind of advice for you, the only thing I would tell you is that this most certainly will challenge your sobriety, but you absolutely can NOT let this lead to relapse!  3 years is amazing!  Using again won't make this go away, it will (maybe) numb you for a short time, but then you'll feel a million times worse afterwards!

I would encourage you to do what yo can to protect your finances.  I'm not sure how your accounts are set up, but she shouldn't be permitted to take such huge amounts of money without your permission too.

Ugh, I just feel for you, it's terrible.  PLEASE do whatever it takes to guard your recovery.  Keep talking to us.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope you hear something so you're not just left hanging.
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
Hi..I am so sorry to hear this. Wow! That is so SAD!
I just want to share a bit..When I had around 18months plus in, I lost 4 family members (mom & dad back to back too) and 2 friends all in such a short time and so close together..I had to UP my Support in my real world here..I also stayed close to this form and went into my Journal for Support. If I did not I would most likely not be here today. You did good by hitting a meeting, but You might want to call around for some other Support as well. My Dr told me that Divorce, Loss, Loosing a Job or even if your House burned down is so tragic that it can take a Addict back out because we are not used to dealing with all of this clear headed or not numbing our feeling. Just PLEASE be SAFE! Try to talk with others and do not try to do this Alone. I sure will send a Prayer out for You and I sure hope you can find a answer to "WHY". Wishing you the best of luck.
Bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi-

What is going on there?  It sounds like she set you up in the worst way...Man!
Okay. Concentrate now on what you need to do. Call all credit card companies and cancel your cards but first ask about most recent charges. Start calling EVERYONE.  Change all the locks.

This sort of thing takes some planning so there are people who know. Get her cell phone shut off.  Just try to put up as many barriers for her as possible.  
This is a crappy thing to do to a person and you deserve an explanation but stay as strong as you can.

If you don't think about using, you won't use. So you've got enough to keep yourself distracted and the thoughts buried...using is just not going to help AT ALL.

Stay close here for support. I'm really sorry about this...
Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Hey finsfan,  I'm so sad and sorry to read this. Have you talked to your wife's family? Your kids? Like Vicki said this had to take some planning, and somebody knows something.  Have you thought about going to the police and reporting her missing?  As Nursegirl said using will not make this go away.  I'm so glad you reached out for support.  Keep going to meetings.  It will help as you sort through this. No matter what you eventually discover, please do not use.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep posting here for support. You will get through this.  Take things one step at a time.  Please take care.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have gone to the bank(kinda like closing the barn door after the horses are gone) and changed accounts. I have also called MOST of the credit cards, although I am finding ones I didn't know about. I also changed the locks(thnks. vicki)
All her stuff is gone, lol, most of my stuff is gone, and then theres the money, so no, I didn't call the police, nothing has happened to her, she just left.
As for family, there is none, and we moved recently, so I have no friends here either. I feel so ALONE, my heart aches....i miss her terribly...
sorry for all the whining, and bless all of you for your support
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh dear...this is a bad day, huh?   Your next step is to retain an attorney. I'm not certain she can just take that money...

It's sure shocking for you. What will you do now? Stay there? Do you own the house?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I' m so sorry this has happened. All you can do is send her a message and ask why. Very simply. You have your reasons but can you just tell me why.   And safe guard any money that is left in your accounts. Get to the bank and open an account in your name and move it there.

But you did the right thing. You went to a meeting. Keep going as much as you need too go. Keep yourself busy. Reorganize the house, keep working, get outside. The more you sit the more you think and get upset and get tempted.

I know this is hard. It drinks!!!  Just put yourself first right now. Lean on your family and friends for an ear and support. It will get easier. It will. Maybe with time you will work things out. If not, you have to keep moving forward. We are here.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It stinks.  Not drinks. Sorry.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Finsfan, I doesn't much worse than this, as if you had to be told that.. I don't have any answers, just want you to know there is another one praying for you. Please don't take any pills. later, down the road you would just have to go through WD'S again. You remember how depressed you were then? We're all pulling for you. God Bless you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, I own the house. I am afraid if I hire a lawyer, it's the REAL end, and I want to believe she'll come back.....I guess I'm not thinking very clearly, I got no sleep and no food since yesterday morning....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I guess.... I had sent her numerous texts and voice mails while I was going crazy yesterday, but it seemed kinda pathetic and desperate...although I think thats what I am right now...pathetic and desperate....
I WISH I had some family or friends, but my family has all died, and honestly, my wife was my best and only friend. We did everything together
thanks for caring and for being there.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thanks tooter,
yeah,im kinda devastated right now... feeling so alone...thanks for the prayer and kind words. I do remember the wd's like it was yesterday
Helpful - 0
1718855 tn?1401756839
This is brutal, man...i'm so sorry you are experiencing this.  It is so hard when you have so many questions and can't get a single answer...

the only advice i can give is a simple cliche...time heals all wounds...and you will heal with time.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh Fin, So sorry to hear this. I do remember how cohesive you and your wife were and what a great support system you had with your family during your detox. Just don't make any rash decisions now. Your wife does appear to mean business as this sounds like a well thought out plan. If she truly want's out there is little you can do to change her mind right now. Have you ask your daughter's if they had a head's up and if they will share? Right now just protect yourself and stay busy. Keep those meetings up and get into a councilor to hold your hand in the weeks to come. You never know, your wife may have regrets and return. About your sobriety……you know now is not the time to fall off the rails. You'll need all your wit's and emotions in check to navigate your way out of this. Sending you strength and patience today.
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Well Finsfan....I don't even know you and my heart is breaking for you~

I mean when I read this my mouth was hanging open...do people (wives...women....people) really DO this??  It's beyond me, it just is.

I hope you will keep posting and talking to us.  WE will be your friends and family....and as you are able to share at your meetings.....you will find those that will "come alongside" and also support you and be your friends with "skin on".
Using would probably be what I would think of FIRST, too.....but you and I both know it won't change a single thing.  Not a SINGLE thing except throw away your hard earned sobriety.

You have done what you can do for today.....it's the weekend....and meetings are the place to hang your hat for some comfort.  Getting an attorney doesn't necessarily mean you have to take any ACTION right now....just get some much needed counsel.  I wouldn't be thinking too clearly myself....I'd be an emotional mess.  
So glad you reached out and posted....you obviously have some friends here that went thru detox and early recovery with you.....and now more of us can be here for you, too.  I am so sorry you have to hurt like this.....and hope answers will come~
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Awe Fin.  This is so rough, I can't even imagine.  The shock of it!  You really had no heads up, no gut feeling that something was wrong, nothing???  I don't think I was around when you got sober on here so I don't know the whole story but reading the above posts it sounds like you guys were a unit.
It is near impossible for me to understand why a person would do something like this unless they were in fear for their life, or being abused.  But it does not sound like this is the case.  I cannot even imagine the hurt and shock you are feeling and I am sorry you don't have people around you to help you through this.  If I could reach through the interweb and give you a big hug then that is what I would do.
I know this sounds trite and honestly, it feels trite to say.  But everything happens for a reason.  This doesn't mean it doesn't su#@ a$$, and maybe the reason will not become clear for some time.
Reach out to whomever you can and dig deep into that well of strength that you have and HOLD ON.  Hitting the meeting was an awesome choice.  Keep making those choices and you WILL GET THROUGH THIS.  It won't be easy, but you'll do it.  Remember what we learn in recovery is that we have NO CONTROL over anyone or anything.  The only thing we have control over is the choices that we make.
Hopefully there will be answers soon.  Until then, just take good loving care of yourself.  If you take care of yourself, then the rest takes care of itself.
Sending support and hugs from my heart....
Lu
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
first let me tell you my heart breaks for you.  
i think she is expecting you to be trying hard to get her back.  I would be LIVID, the worst betrayal possible imo.  i think you will be sending a strong message by not trying to contact her and taking care of YOU.  hire the lawyer.  i noticed you said you 'cancelled most' of the credit cards... you need to cancel them ALL.  
until you find out why she left and stole all the money, you need to reserve judgement on whether you want her back.  if she came back tomorrow it would never be the same as it was before she did what she did.  with a lot of hard work on her part, you may be able to be together, but it will never be the same.  maybe by not putting up with it and taking care of you then she will admire your strength and courage.   please do NOT fall apart.  go to 50 meetings if that is what you need to do, just do not let this steal your sobriety.  i seem to have a different POV than others, but you can hopefully take something from all of us who will be here for you.  please take care of you
Helpful - 0
1653969 tn?1390331661
Just wanted to pop on and say hi Fins - sorry so sorry to hear about all of this. You got this , you made it 3 years you can make it 3 more. Have wondered where you have been over the years.
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1549257619
Oh my I was so happy to see your name and now I am shock as I read this.
I am soooo sorry. I have thought of you so many times.
This is just horrible. I know how much you love your wife.
Did she leave her job? Your daughter?
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am really sorry about all of this Fin but this is still no reason to use.  Now is the time to step up your recovery.  Please listen to all the advice given to you as you are what is important.  We are your friends so i hope you get some comfort from that.  Stay close to us now and keep talking~
Helpful - 0
2107676 tn?1388973859
Hi Fin
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through.  You must be devastated.
You have received some excellent advice and I really hope you take the advice of seeing a lawyer to protect yourself and a therapist for someone to talk to. Your loss is huge and you are going to need some support.  You are definitely not whining, so please don't ever think that.  You can post as often as you want on here.

Hugs
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
well ive been up all night. thank you all for the kind words and the strong advice.
I finally got a hold of my daughter (goes to Univ. of Miami) and she spoke to her mom. Im ashamed of what she told her.... she said that she was afraid of me....
I asked if she could elaborate for me and she said when we did argue,which was very infrequently, that i yelled and screamed and got up in her face. I was stunned to hear this. she never once said anything to me. i guess when i reflect on the past arguments, its true. im ashamed and embarrassed. i was also clueless.
when i found this out, i texted her(she wont answer her phone) and told her i was sorry,and said i would do whatever it took to make her feel safe. i said i would go to counselling and anything else she felt would accomplish this.maybe after a few months she would feel "safer"... she didnt respond. since then i have quit trying to call or text her,thinking maybe if i gave her time. when i spoke to my daughter again, she said mom wont talk to you, her lawyer told her not to.....so i guess this is very real.....
i have to be honest here. I came to MH yesterday, not because i was afraid of using.i have absolutely no desire to use. its not even in my thought process. I came here because im completely alone. My family is all gone, and peggy was truly my best and ONLY friend. i know that sounds crazy, but we did everything together, and never cultivated any friendships....
i guess i was afraid that if i came here whining about my marital problems, mh would tell me that this wasnt the proper forum....im sorry
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Now more than ever you need your clean mind to carry you through this huge bump in your life. I know you're going to get through this because you immediately knew that, just like your addiction, you couldn't deal with this problem alone and solve it with your own thinking. Something like this puts a mind in overload. So you went from "I" to "we". Perfect! That's the way we stay clean my friend. Great that you posted!

Something my sponsor taught me out of the 24 Hours a Day book 11/15: View my life as an unfinished mosaic. God puts in every square to make up the picture that represents my life. Some of those squares that went in didn't make me too happy (to say the least). But if I look at that work of art that represents my past life, it seems that God had some good purpose for every last one of those squares (although it seemed twisted at the time).

You have some great advice from all the above posters.  God is indeed working in your life. This will always be a part of your story that you share at your meetings; and a great obstacle that you overcame, and stayed clean also. Because instead of using you sought help from a bunch of us addicts.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
this forum saved my life 3 years ago and it was the first place i turned to. thanks for the kind thoughts. it doesnt feel like God is with me right now, or at least he refuses to do what i want...lol
i want her back terribly, and would anything to try and make it right for her. i am doubting that i will get the chance to though
Helpful - 0
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