Aa
Confession time
I haven't been on here for a really long time because I am so very ashamed. I screwed up really bad this time, and I am beginning to think I am past the point of no return. I have a family friend who got in touch with me and at the time, I had no idea she was using hydros. Anyway after a few weeks of visiting and talking she told me. At the time I was having really bad issues with my brother and my olderst child was leaving for college. I blew it and started using again. It started out slowly, (like all addictions), but before I new it I was a full blown user again. I have been using since approximately 6 months ago, but I have been using ALOT and I need to stop. I have had this stupid stomach flu for a couple of days so I am basically going through the same symptoms of withdrawls and I decided to stop cold turkey since I was sick already. I am so scared my husband will find out right now. I have always been honest with him and he knows about my problem, just not the relapse. I am terrified he will not go through this again with me. I have been praying all morning, and I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel a wave if calm over me right now. The cold sweats have lessened and I am able to think clearly. I SWEAR I WILL DO IT THIS TIME.. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hey Lady......Am glad to see you back. You know the drill with the wd's. Dont beat yourself up over your relapse. Turn the negative into something positive. You are back now and doing something about it. Wallowing in self misery gets us nowhere. You relapsed and the only thing you can do now is to make sure it doesnt happen again. You remember how we preach aftercare here.......What are you going to do differently this time? We will always have stressful situations in our lives and we have to learn how to live and deal with them clean. Pills only add to our sorrow. I know the situation with your husband is killing you right now. Sit down with him and tell him the truth. I really dont think you will feel better until you do. Now stick around here and let us help you......You can do this!!!! sara
Hello Lady I'm also glad to see you back.. sorry it is under these circumstances but as sara said do not beat yourself up just get back on track. get honest with those that matter put a toxic friendship behind you and move forward.. You can do this.. Freedom over the pills is awesome as you know and life will throw us all kinds of troubles but they just magnify while we are hiding behind our doc. Be kind to yourself during this time ok. lesa
Welcome back. After a relapse there is usually so much guilt and shame and sometimes even self hate. It's so hard getting back up and believing in ourselves again at first, but we do heal. I think we have to work through the guilt and that's why they say one day at a time. My clean days were always so important to me and changing my tracker hurt so much, but I have learned from some of the verterans here not to put so much emphasis on that and live for the day. You should be proud about being honest and trying again. You can do this. Keep posting and stick around this time. Good luck:)
Hi there hun, your posting really broke my heart. Why? Not because you relapsed, because you are turning against yourself. NEVER BE ASHAMED, how can that serve you in the end? If you are feeling ashamed, its a GOOD sign, it means the Spirit inside of you recognizes what you are doing, and is trying to help. Honestly, how could you think we hate you? You are just being silly! No self pity for you missy! We have all screwed up, countless times, lied, stole, cheated, and hurt the ones we love. Its part of the addiction process. Remember hun, it is a DISEASE, just like diabetes. It is not an emotional state of mind. Anyone who tells you otherwise or looks upon you with disgust or judging eyes should take a real hard look at their life, and certainly not be a part of yours.
As far as your husband, YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST. My God, PLEASE have some blind faith and trust me and all of us here when we say that. He is the foundation of your support system, and even though he WILL be upset, SO WHAT? Is he that perfect? No, he is not, and has no right to judge you. I sense the sincereity in your heart, and your desire to lead a better life. He may have tantrum, and storm out, but if he loves you, "in sickness and in health" he will stand by your side and offer you all the help, love, and support you need.
In the grand scheme of things, of you really think about it, and I have said this countless times, nothing in this life has any meaning. A tree, a cocktail, an obstacle, a "failure" do not have any meaning unless YOU give it one! YOU are in charge hun. Up until this point, you have viewed yourself as a victim, and thats ok, we all do at times. You feel like your life is the result of all of these seemingly external things happening. Not the case! Just think, we all commited our minds to using drugs at one point, we focused all our attention and energy on it and guess what - we are all pretty damn good at it! We are already experts at creating what we believe and focus on. So...what makes you think you cannot use the same expertise to do the opposite and believe in the positive? You CAN, and you WILL.
What has always helped me, and to those who know me here, I know I sound like a broken record, but hell, I am ok with that LOL. Sit back, and visualize how good you will FEEL when your journey out of addiction is complete. FORCE yourself to let those waves of peace, calm, happiness, and harmony flow through your body. See how stable and joyous your relationship will become. Smile as feel the freedom that comes in waking up each morning not searching for our amber colored crutches. It feels good, doesn't it? It has been proven your mind cannot distinguish between a vivid imagination that you force yourself to FEEL, and actual reality! You are in effect tuning your body for success, and will begin to attract that feeling into your life. I garuntee it. I believe in this more than the sun rising tomorrow.
You keep popping those pills in your mouth because you are trying to feel happy, plain and simple, that is why I shot up a dozen times a day for a half a year. We are afraid of feeling and experiencing OURSELVES in the beginning, and then we become afraid of the withdrawals when the disease sets in. I say why be afriad of w/d's? WHAT WE RESIST...PERSISTS, and creates more suffering! I view them as my badge of honor, I wouldnt have it any other way, if I could go back again to the point right before I went into detox, I honestly, and I mean it, would 100% choose to experience every heartbreaking moment again. If you take the time to view all these experiences as having a positive purpose, I will give you hope and faith that you are on the right track, and on the verge of reclaiming your life, I promise dear.
The key to ending your suffering (I can literally FEEL your energy as I type this) is to end your resistance to people and situations being as they are. Life is the way it is. Instead, you must develop the ability, emotionally, to let whatever happens be okay-even while you may be taking action to change it.
Another theme I have noticed in these forums is how many shout consciously or unconsciously, "I never want to feel this or that way again, or I must avoid this drug, or that drug, or this person at all costs." I think this is one of the worst ways to live your life. All of our negative emotional experiences (ecspecially our addictions) create beliefs that are not helpful at all and cause us to focus on what we DO NOT want. Since the mind takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to create something, this is a dangerous way to view your recovery. To get what you want and suceed lady67, you MUST focus on what you want (beating your addiction & living a free and happy life) and have beliefs that tell the mind to create that result.
When you notice yourself focusing on what you do not want, immediately change your focus to what you do want. This takes practice. Try to grasp the fact - Our minds do NOT know when you focus on something, that you do not want it! It always takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to go get it and bring it to youin one way or another. For this reason, it is crucial that you immediately replace thoughts of what you do not want with thoughts of what you do want!
I can hear those things you believe about yourself that keep you from being happy and peaceful all the time—statements such as "I'm never going to beat this." "My husband wont love me anymore when he learns I relapsed" or "There's something wrong with me." These statements are big clues to what negative beliefs you and all of us have sometimes. The sad reality of lives during our addiction is the best indicator that our beliefs and thought about life up to this point suck big time! The key is to recognize them, know they have given you the life you have now that you are not happy with, and begin the process of letting go, surrendering, being OK with what is, stop resisting, and to stop thinking the same old way and expecting different results. Thats insanity my friend. You can do this and we all can help.
I know this is alot to take in, but reading your story made we want to pour out of my head and heart everything I can to lift your spirit and help you realize that you already have suceeded in my mind, just give yourself the same courtesy and watch how everything falls into place. You WIL BE OK! We are here to help! God Bless and sorry again for the rambling, if you made it through this, you must truly be focused on your success!
"We do not see things as they are. We see them as WE are..."
~Fentynl_Fanatic
As far as your husband, YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST. My God, PLEASE have some blind faith and trust me and all of us here when we say that. He is the foundation of your support system, and even though he WILL be upset, SO WHAT? Is he that perfect? No, he is not, and has no right to judge you. I sense the sincereity in your heart, and your desire to lead a better life. He may have tantrum, and storm out, but if he loves you, "in sickness and in health" he will stand by your side and offer you all the help, love, and support you need.
In the grand scheme of things, of you really think about it, and I have said this countless times, nothing in this life has any meaning. A tree, a cocktail, an obstacle, a "failure" do not have any meaning unless YOU give it one! YOU are in charge hun. Up until this point, you have viewed yourself as a victim, and thats ok, we all do at times. You feel like your life is the result of all of these seemingly external things happening. Not the case! Just think, we all commited our minds to using drugs at one point, we focused all our attention and energy on it and guess what - we are all pretty damn good at it! We are already experts at creating what we believe and focus on. So...what makes you think you cannot use the same expertise to do the opposite and believe in the positive? You CAN, and you WILL.
What has always helped me, and to those who know me here, I know I sound like a broken record, but hell, I am ok with that LOL. Sit back, and visualize how good you will FEEL when your journey out of addiction is complete. FORCE yourself to let those waves of peace, calm, happiness, and harmony flow through your body. See how stable and joyous your relationship will become. Smile as feel the freedom that comes in waking up each morning not searching for our amber colored crutches. It feels good, doesn't it? It has been proven your mind cannot distinguish between a vivid imagination that you force yourself to FEEL, and actual reality! You are in effect tuning your body for success, and will begin to attract that feeling into your life. I garuntee it. I believe in this more than the sun rising tomorrow.
You keep popping those pills in your mouth because you are trying to feel happy, plain and simple, that is why I shot up a dozen times a day for a half a year. We are afraid of feeling and experiencing OURSELVES in the beginning, and then we become afraid of the withdrawals when the disease sets in. I say why be afriad of w/d's? WHAT WE RESIST...PERSISTS, and creates more suffering! I view them as my badge of honor, I wouldnt have it any other way, if I could go back again to the point right before I went into detox, I honestly, and I mean it, would 100% choose to experience every heartbreaking moment again. If you take the time to view all these experiences as having a positive purpose, I will give you hope and faith that you are on the right track, and on the verge of reclaiming your life, I promise dear.
The key to ending your suffering (I can literally FEEL your energy as I type this) is to end your resistance to people and situations being as they are. Life is the way it is. Instead, you must develop the ability, emotionally, to let whatever happens be okay-even while you may be taking action to change it.
Another theme I have noticed in these forums is how many shout consciously or unconsciously, "I never want to feel this or that way again, or I must avoid this drug, or that drug, or this person at all costs." I think this is one of the worst ways to live your life. All of our negative emotional experiences (ecspecially our addictions) create beliefs that are not helpful at all and cause us to focus on what we DO NOT want. Since the mind takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to create something, this is a dangerous way to view your recovery. To get what you want and suceed lady67, you MUST focus on what you want (beating your addiction & living a free and happy life) and have beliefs that tell the mind to create that result.
When you notice yourself focusing on what you do not want, immediately change your focus to what you do want. This takes practice. Try to grasp the fact - Our minds do NOT know when you focus on something, that you do not want it! It always takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to go get it and bring it to youin one way or another. For this reason, it is crucial that you immediately replace thoughts of what you do not want with thoughts of what you do want!
I can hear those things you believe about yourself that keep you from being happy and peaceful all the time—statements such as "I'm never going to beat this." "My husband wont love me anymore when he learns I relapsed" or "There's something wrong with me." These statements are big clues to what negative beliefs you and all of us have sometimes. The sad reality of lives during our addiction is the best indicator that our beliefs and thought about life up to this point suck big time! The key is to recognize them, know they have given you the life you have now that you are not happy with, and begin the process of letting go, surrendering, being OK with what is, stop resisting, and to stop thinking the same old way and expecting different results. Thats insanity my friend. You can do this and we all can help.
I know this is alot to take in, but reading your story made we want to pour out of my head and heart everything I can to lift your spirit and help you realize that you already have suceeded in my mind, just give yourself the same courtesy and watch how everything falls into place. You WIL BE OK! We are here to help! God Bless and sorry again for the rambling, if you made it through this, you must truly be focused on your success!
"We do not see things as they are. We see them as WE are..."
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I just read your mood statement! Tisk tisk! LOL
In all seriousness though,
I want you to change that Mood Statement right away young lady! You may not realize it, but literally seeing that statement and feeding it into your mind will only reinforce those crappy feelings, and then without fail bring more of them into your life! You don't need that junk clouding up your new and positive beliefs about your life!
You are a wonderful woman with abilities beyond your wildest imaginations! Every second of your day today is an opportunity to change your thoughts and attitude - and realize the fact that you will look back at this struggle as the defining moment in your life. Trust me. The fact that you are here and focused on recovery is 90% of the battle, it really is. You WILL not fail this time, and CANNOT if it is not a possibility in your new belief system. OK? The second you start thinking and worrying about your withdrawal experience and all the ways or reasons it might suck and you might fail, and let that thinking persist - you have set the wheels of failure in motion. We start to rationalize, and make excuses for our failure, and give it so much of our precious time and ebergy, when it oddly is the exact opposite of what we all truly want - happiness, freedom, and most importantly...love.
The best part of all of this is only YOU lady67 have the power to begin to change how you view the world and let go of all the beliefs, assumptions, and fears that have led you to your current situation. There will be a moment soon when the beauty of this all creeps into your life, and it will literally take your breath away - it did for me!
I have faith that you truly want this change, and in that respect, it is already completed and waiting for you to arrive.
Im here to help, don't be afraid to ask, or share, I love this community. Even though I may seem to only offer advice, I spend 10x the amount of time reading everyone elses advice, experiences, and hidden pearls of wisdom. For that I cannot thank you all enough. God Bless...
~Fentynl_Fanatic (i just realized I spelt Fentynl wrong! Its Fentanyl!!) No biggie! :)
In all seriousness though,
I want you to change that Mood Statement right away young lady! You may not realize it, but literally seeing that statement and feeding it into your mind will only reinforce those crappy feelings, and then without fail bring more of them into your life! You don't need that junk clouding up your new and positive beliefs about your life!
You are a wonderful woman with abilities beyond your wildest imaginations! Every second of your day today is an opportunity to change your thoughts and attitude - and realize the fact that you will look back at this struggle as the defining moment in your life. Trust me. The fact that you are here and focused on recovery is 90% of the battle, it really is. You WILL not fail this time, and CANNOT if it is not a possibility in your new belief system. OK? The second you start thinking and worrying about your withdrawal experience and all the ways or reasons it might suck and you might fail, and let that thinking persist - you have set the wheels of failure in motion. We start to rationalize, and make excuses for our failure, and give it so much of our precious time and ebergy, when it oddly is the exact opposite of what we all truly want - happiness, freedom, and most importantly...love.
The best part of all of this is only YOU lady67 have the power to begin to change how you view the world and let go of all the beliefs, assumptions, and fears that have led you to your current situation. There will be a moment soon when the beauty of this all creeps into your life, and it will literally take your breath away - it did for me!
I have faith that you truly want this change, and in that respect, it is already completed and waiting for you to arrive.
Im here to help, don't be afraid to ask, or share, I love this community. Even though I may seem to only offer advice, I spend 10x the amount of time reading everyone elses advice, experiences, and hidden pearls of wisdom. For that I cannot thank you all enough. God Bless...
~Fentynl_Fanatic (i just realized I spelt Fentynl wrong! Its Fentanyl!!) No biggie! :)
Thank you guys for the kind words and comments. I am going to try my best to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. This morning when I started thinking about the amount of money I have spent on the drugs, I literally hated myself. I was always able to say before that I never bought the pills off the street or from a dealer, but I can't say that this time. I spent more money than I can even imagine. When I started thinking about it, I ended up getting mad at myself and popping a d@mn pill, or should I say several of them.
I truly appreciate the words and those of you who think I should immediately talk to my hubby about it. I do know that it will make me feel so much better by being honest with him, but he has gone through this with me a couple of times, and the last time, he said it would be the last time. He said no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it again. I am definately going to be honest with him, but I feel like I need to show him progress before I tell him. If I do tell him now, our relationship may end and I can't stand the thought of losing him. He has been in my life for 27 years and I know if I lose him, I will go off the deep end completely. I did start a journal a few nights ago in which I was totally listing all my feelings and honestly writing how much I used and why I felt like I had to take something. When I get over the withdrawls, I am going to sit him down and give him the journal and let him read it and see where my mind is.
Everyone's advice was good and I thank you for it, but I know this man and I know that he is serious. I think if I tell him now while I am trying to go through the withdrawls, the emotions will be high and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and I don't want to blame him for any of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Well, I gotta run to the grocery store so I will catch you guys later tonight.
I truly appreciate the words and those of you who think I should immediately talk to my hubby about it. I do know that it will make me feel so much better by being honest with him, but he has gone through this with me a couple of times, and the last time, he said it would be the last time. He said no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it again. I am definately going to be honest with him, but I feel like I need to show him progress before I tell him. If I do tell him now, our relationship may end and I can't stand the thought of losing him. He has been in my life for 27 years and I know if I lose him, I will go off the deep end completely. I did start a journal a few nights ago in which I was totally listing all my feelings and honestly writing how much I used and why I felt like I had to take something. When I get over the withdrawls, I am going to sit him down and give him the journal and let him read it and see where my mind is.
Everyone's advice was good and I thank you for it, but I know this man and I know that he is serious. I think if I tell him now while I am trying to go through the withdrawls, the emotions will be high and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and I don't want to blame him for any of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Well, I gotta run to the grocery store so I will catch you guys later tonight.
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