Desperate and ashamed

[ChillyDanger]

Been taking Percocet for years. Started out with a couple here and there for fun. 10 years later they are ruining my life. They do not make me happy. I was a functioning addict for 9 years but now I am starting to mess up. My job and my family and wife are suffering because of me. I want off so bad brut I am so scared of the withdrawal symptoms and the embarrassment of telling everyone. My wife know and my dad and sister but that's it. Everyone else just thinks I'm depressed and sick. I went two days without and the feelin was unbearable. I guess I'm a wimp but I felt terrible. Shakes. Nausea. No appetite. Grouchy. Crying and the taste in my mouth is awful. I went back. I take 50 perks a day. I am so ashamed of myself. I am letting everyone down. I feel so alone and scared. These drugs rule my life. All I do is worry about when they are coming next. I put them in front of everything else. Family friends work my health. They are always on my mind. I never sleep. I have sat outside of the detox centre crying but can't go in. I have not lost everything yet but feel it is going start soon. Not sure why I am posting this but I am anyway. Not asking for help from you strangers but felt like writing it down might help. Thanks for listening

[ChillyDanger]

I am so sorry about your son. Nothing could be worse then losing your child. It is not your fault that it happened. I am sure your right. We all do dumb things under the influence of booze or drugs. I can't imagine the pain. My mom was on prescriptions at the time and I now she wouldn't have done it in her right mind. The day I found her gives me nightmares to this day but I try to remember all the good times and how much she loved me. I appreciate you sharing. It must be tough to write down. Thank you

[waterLilly7]

You can do this, Friend. you can. I am three years clean, was doing almost 300 mg of oxy for 2 years. I was able to taper though. I was dependant but not necessarily addicted. I am in the low percentile of people that can do this. If you have someone like your wife give you your dosage, that may be doable.
Since we are not medical professionals we cannot give taper plans, but i can tell you I looked at my daily dosage, and just started cutting it down every day. It got to the point that I would take a pill and desolve it in water because I could not chop it any finer. That was 2 mg a dose in the end. It was NOT easy, i had a load of anxiety, but it was worth it. Please read my post about the socks.
I am also concerned about that amount of tylenol. You need to do something soon. We are here for you.
hugs,
Lily

[jifmoc]

You wrote you aren't asking for help from strangers when that is exactly what you need to do.

50 per day...you are tempting the grim reaper. Liver failure, OD, getting them from the "wrong" person etc etc. You haven't lost everything yet you say...you are well on your way, my friend. Phillip Seymour Hoffman had a lovely family and a fantastic career, too.

You CAN go into the detox center. That's exactly where you need to be. As bad as you feel now, if you do nothing, its get worse. Can you imagine this getting worse?

You didn't ask for help but you wrote this on this forum so it seems you want help. Tell your wife to help you get your arse into inpatient immediately (since that is an option for you.)

Good luck and keep posting.

[ChillyDanger]

Thank you both for what you said. The one thing I can tell you is that I'm not in denial. I know how bad I messing up. I used to look in the mirror and see a man. A father. A husband and son. No I don't know who is looking back at me. I will take your advice. I'll do something and soon. If I don't I will tell you. Not that it is your problem but I need to be accountable to someone I can be honest with. I am good liar when it comes to perks. I want to be honest in here. Good or bad. If that is ok. Thanks again for listening to me whine on.

[NeverAgain127]

Honey, stop the hating yourself for a moment.  

You have a DISEASE.   Addiction doesn't care who you are, what kind of car you drive, how much money you make...you're in a BIG club.  Welcome, have a seat, and stay, Please.

Beating yourself up over this is a zero-sum game.  It gets you nowhere.  In fact, it is keeping you in your addiction.    You need to trust us here:  you are NOT thinking clearly or rationally.

You wrote:  "I lost my mom to Suicide 11 years ago and never dealt with it so I used meds to cope but that is a lame excuse"

A lame excuse?   Are you kidding me?   Losing a loved one to suicide is probably the singularly most excruciating experience anyone could go through.   You used the pills to cope....so have millions of other people.  You thought, JUST LIKE WE ALL DID, that you could control it.    The fact that the choice you made wasn't a good one doesn't make you lame, or a loser, or any of the horrible things you are saying about yourself.

Okay, I'm going to wax poetic for a moment:  One of my favorite movies of all times is "Night of the Iguana" starring Ava Gardner, Richard Burton, and Deborah Kerr.    Burton is a horrible drunk (art imitating life, I guess) who used to be a priest but was de-frocked after he was caught bonking one of the parishioners.  

But I digress.  He's a mess, suicidal, guzzling whiskey, walking on broken glass to cut and punish himself. At one point, someone says to Deborah Kerr  "Look at him; he's a loser."  And she replies (and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this line)   "But my dear, you are only looking at his life circumstances, not the MAN himself."  

You, my friend, fell down with a disease that has affected everyone from teachers to Presidents of the United States.    There is a great book written by famous people about their addictions called "The Courage to Heal." I highly recommend it.

You're worthy.  The fact that you have a bad addiction to pain killers does not make you a horrible person; it means you are a HUMAN BEING and not perfect.  

The most important thing is what you do right now.  And I'm going to tell you what I think that is:  Go to rehab.   Don't think, don't discuss, don't plan.  Just go.   Ask your wife to throw some clothes in a duffel bag, and then put one foot in front of the other, and walk in.    It is the right thing to do...please, please trust me on this.  

There is hope, lots of it, and you have a partner and children who are counting on you.

I'll leave you with one last question:  If one of your sons came to you right now and admitted he was taking 50 percocets a day and felt horrible, what would you say to him?  

I thought so.  

Big, Big, HUGS,
-Robin

[NeverAgain127]

I need to clarify after reading my response:   I didn't mean to say that anyone in pain should use pills to cope.   But I can certainly understand how immense that pain was   How it was so huge, so overwhelming, that you felt you had no choice but to turn to drugs.  

Is it the right choice?  No.  Is it understandable:  Absolutely!

Don't give up right before a miracle happens...I know is a cliche, but I don't believe in coincidences.  There is a reason you came on this forum.   Hope to hear from you that you're going to rehab soon...from that point on, things will ONLY get better!

P.S.  There is a reason 12 step groups have the word "anonymous" after them.   Your wife, dad and sister know about this.  That's enough for now.  You don't need to even tell your sons until you're in a medical setting and getting help, because right now, my friend, saying you are sick is NOT a lie....I'm going to pray for you.  Take care and good luck.