Desperate and ashamed

[ChillyDanger]

Been taking Percocet for years. Started out with a couple here and there for fun. 10 years later they are ruining my life. They do not make me happy. I was a functioning addict for 9 years but now I am starting to mess up. My job and my family and wife are suffering because of me. I want off so bad brut I am so scared of the withdrawal symptoms and the embarrassment of telling everyone. My wife know and my dad and sister but that's it. Everyone else just thinks I'm depressed and sick. I went two days without and the feelin was unbearable. I guess I'm a wimp but I felt terrible. Shakes. Nausea. No appetite. Grouchy. Crying and the taste in my mouth is awful. I went back. I take 50 perks a day. I am so ashamed of myself. I am letting everyone down. I feel so alone and scared. These drugs rule my life. All I do is worry about when they are coming next. I put them in front of everything else. Family friends work my health. They are always on my mind. I never sleep. I have sat outside of the detox centre crying but can't go in. I have not lost everything yet but feel it is going start soon. Not sure why I am posting this but I am anyway. Not asking for help from you strangers but felt like writing it down might help. Thanks for listening

[Yesidid]

Keep going dude and keep coming back. Stop with the "I don't deserve your help stuff". Guilt keeps us down but there is no reason to feel guilty here. Feeling like we are helping others is the only thing that gives value to the stupid crap we did ourselves. So you are actually helping your fellow addicts! Secondly please stop thinking that there is some point at which you will "wear out your welcome. No matter how many times you try and relapse, no matter how many times you say you will and don't - you are among people who have relapsed and failed as often or more often than you. You won't wear out your welcome.

[ChillyDanger]

It's the WD that scares me. I am not a wimp. But this scare me. Last month I ran out for 48 hours. It was hell. I should have keep going but took the easy way out. I was like a crazed animal. Searching pockets and sofas and vacuum cleaners. Wow. How quick a proud man falls when his pills run out. I have let my job suffer and my relationships. What is wrong with me. How can those little white pills control my whole life. People warned me at first but I just laughed. I thought I was invincible. Real tough guy. Brought to his knees by 0363 or TEC

[pillguy]

I hear you.  I used suboxone to get some time away from the pills.  It's proper use is poorly understood by many of the docs prescribing it and this failing can leave people with a sense of hopelessness when they try to get off them.  I tapered to a very low dose and had moderate WDs.  I don't have enough info to advocate its use but it worked for me.  Harm reduction is good, sobriety is better.  Either is far better than a head long descent into narcotic abuse.

[pillguy]

You don't have to go to detox as a prerequisite for posting here.  It's wonderful to see you looking forward to a life without the damn pills.  Keep posting !

[dominosarah]

You are making progress and you will never wear out your welcome~

[liliansdream]

I hear your pain and your fear.  I have been there too.  We all have different pain thresholds, how much sickness we can tolerate.  I may be kicked off this forum for even suggesting this, but if you cannot possibly go through a cold turkey withdrawal "many can't, or do and relapse as soon as they get out of detox because they feel so sick, weak and unable to cope", a better alternative to popping 50 percs a day would be to go on a low dose of Suboxone SHORT TERM... IT WILL STOP THE WITHDRAWAL, AND GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO PLAN YOUR RECOVERY.  

Suboxone is not something to stay on long term, and I would not suggest this to anyone who had a short term, relatively low opiate intake, but you are 8 years and up to 50 a day.  Before doing anything else you have to tell your family how serious this is.... it is a disease, one not very well understood by those who have not experienced it but it is unfair to them to not let them help. I know the shame and the pride thing all too well. I was a normal middle aged woman with children, successful business, very conservative who never would have believed it would happen to her. Most addicts are good people who made the wrong decision.  Ibogaine may also be helpful to you.  There are clinics in Mexico and other places around the world.  You can research Ibogaine on.line. it has been a miracle answer to many.  

I hope others on here who are big proponents of cold turkey and believe that is the only way, can give me grace and understand there are some who can't do it that way. Why not use tools out there that when used INFORMED  WISELY can be stepping stones to success.  

All the best.. keep posting ... others care

liliansdream