Aa
Desperate and ashamed
Been taking Percocet for years. Started out with a couple here and there for fun. 10 years later they are ruining my life. They do not make me happy. I was a functioning addict for 9 years but now I am starting to mess up. My job and my family and wife are suffering because of me. I want off so bad brut I am so scared of the withdrawal symptoms and the embarrassment of telling everyone. My wife know and my dad and sister but that's it. Everyone else just thinks I'm depressed and sick. I went two days without and the feelin was unbearable. I guess I'm a wimp but I felt terrible. Shakes. Nausea. No appetite. Grouchy. Crying and the taste in my mouth is awful. I went back. I take 50 perks a day. I am so ashamed of myself. I am letting everyone down. I feel so alone and scared. These drugs rule my life. All I do is worry about when they are coming next. I put them in front of everything else. Family friends work my health. They are always on my mind. I never sleep. I have sat outside of the detox centre crying but can't go in. I have not lost everything yet but feel it is going start soon. Not sure why I am posting this but I am anyway. Not asking for help from you strangers but felt like writing it down might help. Thanks for listening
If you needed to get that out, I'm glad you choose here to do it. I have not been where you are, but there are people here who have, and they will have a wealth of knowledge to share with you. My biggest concern reading this is the amount if Tylenol you are getting in 50 Percocet per day. Currently they advise no more than 4,000 mg/day, and most of the medical community thinks it should actually be a max of 3,250 mg/day. You are taking 5 times that amount (16,250 mg by my math), which can and eventually will cause irreversible liver damage. I hope you can get to a place where that alone is enough to get you to decide to quit...I've never gone through it, but I understand that while it's no fun, withdrawal symptoms can be managed. I'm certain others with more knowledge will be posting - please listen to them...it just may save your life! Wishing you well!
Hey there!! Please don't be embarrassed or ashamed of what your going through, it happens to the best of us. I too was taking between 50-60 pills per day, yikes!! If you could taper off of them, that would probably be the best thing to do, it might make the withdrawals a little more easier, but you'll still have them. I had to quit cold turkey, had no choice, it was hard but doable. I would also suggest looking up the Thomas Recipe, it will give you a list of things to do at-home to help ease the withdrawals, some say it helps others not so much.
Most folks here have been in your shoes. The withdrawals are hard, but staying clean is even harder. I encourage you to seek some sort of aftercare program so that after you detox, you can hopefully avoid a relapse, it can happen in the blink of an eye. I've got many relapses under my belt, I don't want to see that happen to you. I hope you stick around here, more folks will chime in to help. I wish you the best! Stay strong!!
Most folks here have been in your shoes. The withdrawals are hard, but staying clean is even harder. I encourage you to seek some sort of aftercare program so that after you detox, you can hopefully avoid a relapse, it can happen in the blink of an eye. I've got many relapses under my belt, I don't want to see that happen to you. I hope you stick around here, more folks will chime in to help. I wish you the best! Stay strong!!
one day i counted 400mgs. of oxy i did and still couldnt get to where i wanted so i got some heroin, which i would do from time to time cuz it was cheaper, and its all i could get to not be sick , that or methadone.
it gets to be all the same in the end, the sh*^ dont work no more.
now fast fwd 3 years, life is so different, much better being free, i dont even think about opiates unless i go to dentist or doctor and thats when i tell them i Cann not have anything addicting! they usually put opiates under allergy in my file, and history of heroin abuse.
You Can stop and find freedom, ppl do it all the time and not look back!
first you have to get the courage it takes to stop opiate intake completly, you will be sick , but you will get through it, all it takes is letting the time pass, and clean those mu receptors, you got to pay to play, there aint no gettin around it.
First things first, focus on getting thru W/D. then the next step- learning to live sober life!
you can do this, start asap!
good luck & keep posting :)
it gets to be all the same in the end, the sh*^ dont work no more.
now fast fwd 3 years, life is so different, much better being free, i dont even think about opiates unless i go to dentist or doctor and thats when i tell them i Cann not have anything addicting! they usually put opiates under allergy in my file, and history of heroin abuse.
You Can stop and find freedom, ppl do it all the time and not look back!
first you have to get the courage it takes to stop opiate intake completly, you will be sick , but you will get through it, all it takes is letting the time pass, and clean those mu receptors, you got to pay to play, there aint no gettin around it.
First things first, focus on getting thru W/D. then the next step- learning to live sober life!
you can do this, start asap!
good luck & keep posting :)
Thank you all so much. I am so embarrassed as there are people on here who have been through hell and have severe problems and pain and I feel like I am just a loser with no excuse. I lost my mom to Suicide 11 years ago and never dealt with it so I used meds to cope but that is a lame excuse. Maybe a shrink would help. I have to man up and end this but I have not found the courage to yet. Just the thought of withdrawal scares me to death. I am a junkie. Hard to admit. I always thought junkies were people on the street but I have a wonderful family. Nice house. Two boys in university and wife who I love. And now I am risking it all for a little white pill. The perks do nothing for me except stop the wd symptoms. I appreciate any time you are taken to talk with me. I don't deserve it. I am going to try to beat this. Maybe not today but writing this down seems to help.
its all a process, i now know thru faith things happen for a reason, addicts dont all look the same or live the same, but do share the same dis-ease , until it goes into remission thru recovery, i believe using is but a symtom of the dis-ease.
I can relate to your feelings over your Mom, as my 24 year old son took his life in November, i'm tryin not to weep as i write this but i need to write it, verbalize it to accept it, he was drunk and i know he really didnt mean to do it, i found him and i will never forget that morning.....
it is hard but drinking or using will just make it worse , i know that....
you CAN do this just by comin on here is the start of the process, i ran across this forum in 2008 and was a obstinate jerk in my posts for a long time until i realized in 2012, i had to stop or die! please dont wait like i did, you & your family deserve the real you. were here every step of the way to support you , the feeling of not Needing the pills is Awesome....
I can relate to your feelings over your Mom, as my 24 year old son took his life in November, i'm tryin not to weep as i write this but i need to write it, verbalize it to accept it, he was drunk and i know he really didnt mean to do it, i found him and i will never forget that morning.....
it is hard but drinking or using will just make it worse , i know that....
you CAN do this just by comin on here is the start of the process, i ran across this forum in 2008 and was a obstinate jerk in my posts for a long time until i realized in 2012, i had to stop or die! please dont wait like i did, you & your family deserve the real you. were here every step of the way to support you , the feeling of not Needing the pills is Awesome....
I am so sorry about your son. Nothing could be worse then losing your child. It is not your fault that it happened. I am sure your right. We all do dumb things under the influence of booze or drugs. I can't imagine the pain. My mom was on prescriptions at the time and I now she wouldn't have done it in her right mind. The day I found her gives me nightmares to this day but I try to remember all the good times and how much she loved me. I appreciate you sharing. It must be tough to write down. Thank you
You can do this, Friend. you can. I am three years clean, was doing almost 300 mg of oxy for 2 years. I was able to taper though. I was dependant but not necessarily addicted. I am in the low percentile of people that can do this. If you have someone like your wife give you your dosage, that may be doable.
Since we are not medical professionals we cannot give taper plans, but i can tell you I looked at my daily dosage, and just started cutting it down every day. It got to the point that I would take a pill and desolve it in water because I could not chop it any finer. That was 2 mg a dose in the end. It was NOT easy, i had a load of anxiety, but it was worth it. Please read my post about the socks.
I am also concerned about that amount of tylenol. You need to do something soon. We are here for you.
hugs,
Lily
Since we are not medical professionals we cannot give taper plans, but i can tell you I looked at my daily dosage, and just started cutting it down every day. It got to the point that I would take a pill and desolve it in water because I could not chop it any finer. That was 2 mg a dose in the end. It was NOT easy, i had a load of anxiety, but it was worth it. Please read my post about the socks.
I am also concerned about that amount of tylenol. You need to do something soon. We are here for you.
hugs,
Lily
You wrote you aren't asking for help from strangers when that is exactly what you need to do.
50 per day...you are tempting the grim reaper. Liver failure, OD, getting them from the "wrong" person etc etc. You haven't lost everything yet you say...you are well on your way, my friend. Phillip Seymour Hoffman had a lovely family and a fantastic career, too.
You CAN go into the detox center. That's exactly where you need to be. As bad as you feel now, if you do nothing, its get worse. Can you imagine this getting worse?
You didn't ask for help but you wrote this on this forum so it seems you want help. Tell your wife to help you get your arse into inpatient immediately (since that is an option for you.)
Good luck and keep posting.
50 per day...you are tempting the grim reaper. Liver failure, OD, getting them from the "wrong" person etc etc. You haven't lost everything yet you say...you are well on your way, my friend. Phillip Seymour Hoffman had a lovely family and a fantastic career, too.
You CAN go into the detox center. That's exactly where you need to be. As bad as you feel now, if you do nothing, its get worse. Can you imagine this getting worse?
You didn't ask for help but you wrote this on this forum so it seems you want help. Tell your wife to help you get your arse into inpatient immediately (since that is an option for you.)
Good luck and keep posting.
Thank you both for what you said. The one thing I can tell you is that I'm not in denial. I know how bad I messing up. I used to look in the mirror and see a man. A father. A husband and son. No I don't know who is looking back at me. I will take your advice. I'll do something and soon. If I don't I will tell you. Not that it is your problem but I need to be accountable to someone I can be honest with. I am good liar when it comes to perks. I want to be honest in here. Good or bad. If that is ok. Thanks again for listening to me whine on.
Honey, stop the hating yourself for a moment.
You have a DISEASE. Addiction doesn't care who you are, what kind of car you drive, how much money you make...you're in a BIG club. Welcome, have a seat, and stay, Please.
Beating yourself up over this is a zero-sum game. It gets you nowhere. In fact, it is keeping you in your addiction. You need to trust us here: you are NOT thinking clearly or rationally.
You wrote: "I lost my mom to Suicide 11 years ago and never dealt with it so I used meds to cope but that is a lame excuse"
A lame excuse? Are you kidding me? Losing a loved one to suicide is probably the singularly most excruciating experience anyone could go through. You used the pills to cope....so have millions of other people. You thought, JUST LIKE WE ALL DID, that you could control it. The fact that the choice you made wasn't a good one doesn't make you lame, or a loser, or any of the horrible things you are saying about yourself.
Okay, I'm going to wax poetic for a moment: One of my favorite movies of all times is "Night of the Iguana" starring Ava Gardner, Richard Burton, and Deborah Kerr. Burton is a horrible drunk (art imitating life, I guess) who used to be a priest but was de-frocked after he was caught bonking one of the parishioners.
But I digress. He's a mess, suicidal, guzzling whiskey, walking on broken glass to cut and punish himself. At one point, someone says to Deborah Kerr "Look at him; he's a loser." And she replies (and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this line) "But my dear, you are only looking at his life circumstances, not the MAN himself."
You, my friend, fell down with a disease that has affected everyone from teachers to Presidents of the United States. There is a great book written by famous people about their addictions called "The Courage to Heal." I highly recommend it.
You're worthy. The fact that you have a bad addiction to pain killers does not make you a horrible person; it means you are a HUMAN BEING and not perfect.
The most important thing is what you do right now. And I'm going to tell you what I think that is: Go to rehab. Don't think, don't discuss, don't plan. Just go. Ask your wife to throw some clothes in a duffel bag, and then put one foot in front of the other, and walk in. It is the right thing to do...please, please trust me on this.
There is hope, lots of it, and you have a partner and children who are counting on you.
I'll leave you with one last question: If one of your sons came to you right now and admitted he was taking 50 percocets a day and felt horrible, what would you say to him?
I thought so.
Big, Big, HUGS,
-Robin
You have a DISEASE. Addiction doesn't care who you are, what kind of car you drive, how much money you make...you're in a BIG club. Welcome, have a seat, and stay, Please.
Beating yourself up over this is a zero-sum game. It gets you nowhere. In fact, it is keeping you in your addiction. You need to trust us here: you are NOT thinking clearly or rationally.
You wrote: "I lost my mom to Suicide 11 years ago and never dealt with it so I used meds to cope but that is a lame excuse"
A lame excuse? Are you kidding me? Losing a loved one to suicide is probably the singularly most excruciating experience anyone could go through. You used the pills to cope....so have millions of other people. You thought, JUST LIKE WE ALL DID, that you could control it. The fact that the choice you made wasn't a good one doesn't make you lame, or a loser, or any of the horrible things you are saying about yourself.
Okay, I'm going to wax poetic for a moment: One of my favorite movies of all times is "Night of the Iguana" starring Ava Gardner, Richard Burton, and Deborah Kerr. Burton is a horrible drunk (art imitating life, I guess) who used to be a priest but was de-frocked after he was caught bonking one of the parishioners.
But I digress. He's a mess, suicidal, guzzling whiskey, walking on broken glass to cut and punish himself. At one point, someone says to Deborah Kerr "Look at him; he's a loser." And she replies (and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this line) "But my dear, you are only looking at his life circumstances, not the MAN himself."
You, my friend, fell down with a disease that has affected everyone from teachers to Presidents of the United States. There is a great book written by famous people about their addictions called "The Courage to Heal." I highly recommend it.
You're worthy. The fact that you have a bad addiction to pain killers does not make you a horrible person; it means you are a HUMAN BEING and not perfect.
The most important thing is what you do right now. And I'm going to tell you what I think that is: Go to rehab. Don't think, don't discuss, don't plan. Just go. Ask your wife to throw some clothes in a duffel bag, and then put one foot in front of the other, and walk in. It is the right thing to do...please, please trust me on this.
There is hope, lots of it, and you have a partner and children who are counting on you.
I'll leave you with one last question: If one of your sons came to you right now and admitted he was taking 50 percocets a day and felt horrible, what would you say to him?
I thought so.
Big, Big, HUGS,
-Robin
I need to clarify after reading my response: I didn't mean to say that anyone in pain should use pills to cope. But I can certainly understand how immense that pain was How it was so huge, so overwhelming, that you felt you had no choice but to turn to drugs.
Is it the right choice? No. Is it understandable: Absolutely!
Don't give up right before a miracle happens...I know is a cliche, but I don't believe in coincidences. There is a reason you came on this forum. Hope to hear from you that you're going to rehab soon...from that point on, things will ONLY get better!
P.S. There is a reason 12 step groups have the word "anonymous" after them. Your wife, dad and sister know about this. That's enough for now. You don't need to even tell your sons until you're in a medical setting and getting help, because right now, my friend, saying you are sick is NOT a lie....I'm going to pray for you. Take care and good luck.
Is it the right choice? No. Is it understandable: Absolutely!
Don't give up right before a miracle happens...I know is a cliche, but I don't believe in coincidences. There is a reason you came on this forum. Hope to hear from you that you're going to rehab soon...from that point on, things will ONLY get better!
P.S. There is a reason 12 step groups have the word "anonymous" after them. Your wife, dad and sister know about this. That's enough for now. You don't need to even tell your sons until you're in a medical setting and getting help, because right now, my friend, saying you are sick is NOT a lie....I'm going to pray for you. Take care and good luck.
I'll write more later. Words are not coming right now. This feels good. I am so lonely. Surrounded by loves one and completely alone...does that make any sense. I do not tell my wife and sister everything. When it try to my pride gets in the way
Friday is my birthday. Gonna go to the rehab centre and see if they have an out patient program first thing Friday
Hey buddy how are you doing? You haven't posted in 17 hours, and want you to know there is always support here.
I have no idea what your socks comment meant...oh well!
Hugs,
-Robin
I have no idea what your socks comment meant...oh well!
Hugs,
-Robin
Going to the detox center in the morning. I'll let you now if I get in. It's either there or the drug store. I'll let you know
I'm really praying the reason we haven't heard from you yet is because you got in the detox centre. Either way I hope you come back and keep us posted on your progress ❤️❤️
Sorry to waste your time. I didn't go. I tried but chickened out. Try again next week I hope. I'll post again when I actually do something. Thanks for your support. Obviously not deserved. Take care
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