Aa
Help me please. I think my boyfriend is doing drugs.
I know this is very long but please read this I need help!
I am having a lot of trouble here and need an outsider's opinion on this. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now but have known him much longer. He was always very carefree, lived day by day, never seemed to care about himself or anyone else. He was almost reckless. He went thru a phase where he drank heavily everyday with his best friend. He would drink to the point where he would black out, drive home, wake up, go to school, and do it all over again. He continued this pattern for over a month. He also went thru a brief period of cocaine use. I think he only used cocaine a handful of times but it is still a huge deal to me. He then got into doing pills (crushing and snorting them) which became a problem for him. This took place around the beginning of our relationship. He recently finished a methadone program and to my knowledge has been clean. He was also selling drugs (I don't know what) around 2 months ago but stopped because I threatened to leave him if he didn't.
I am now highly suspicious that he is using heroin. This is killing me. I am losing sleep and have no motivation at all to do everyday things, which is so opposite of how I normally am. I am so unlike my boyfriend. I am anti-drugs. I occasionally will drink at a party. I've smoked pot but hate the stuff, it makes me bug out. Drugs scare the **** out of me and I hate everything that has to do with them. This is making me so worried and I'm really terrified about what could happen if this is true.
I truly believe that he has been injecting himself with heroin. I've felt this way for about a week now. It's not just one thing, it's several factors that just add up in my mind. For one, his friends are all scum bags. I hate them. They are grimy. There have been rumors in my circle of friends that the guys he hangs out with have been doing heroin. I have heard this several times from my closest friends.
I became suspicious one night at his house when he spent a long time in the bathroom. He told me he was taking a **** and I was standing outside the door because he asked me to come talk to him. When I was talking to him I felt like something wasn't right, I just had a gut feeling. I remember him telling me that when he would do pills he'd go into the bathroom and I wouldn't know. While I was taking to him he asked me to go get him a q-tip because "he had something in his ear." When I brought it to the door he opened it and was completely dressed. Then after a little while longer he told me I could go away because he was going to start making noises. I just felt like this was very odd because in the past he would just go to the bathroom with the door open and not even care. When he came out he seemed to be acting very weird. I heard him rummaging in his room in a plastic bag and when I came in he asked me to get out and yelled when I wouldn't. He said it was because he didn't want me to know where his money was but he NEVER had a problem with that before because I am completely trustworthy and he knows that. He appeared to be acting very odd and seemed high but I never like to jump to conclusions. He had difficulty counting his money and remembering numbers which is never a problem for him. The next morning before he left for work I heard him rummage in another plastic bag before going to the bathroom and spending a lot of time in the bathroom again.
That night I went thru the same sort of thing except I was outside with some of his sister's friends so I am not sure how long he was in the bathroom for. He told me he'd be out in a little while and when he came outside he seemed high again. He also took a hit off a blunt which is a red flag to me because I know he ONLY smokes weed when he is ****** up because he hates it and bugs out. He appeared sweaty, very tired, and I noticed he had trouble urinating. The next morning I heard him rummaging in that bag and clanking around in the bathroom. He thought I was half asleep and wouldn't notice. After he left for work I did some snooping and found syringes in that bag. One or two were used and there was also a q-tip. In the bathroom I found a folded up picture (which I took) with white powder on the back next to a cup. I also found a belt on the floor which was all wound up tight.
When I confronted him about the needles he told me they were his friends. He told me a few days before that he was holding needles and steroids for his friend and even showed them to me. The ones I found were in a different spot and he told me he didn't want to hide them all together. This honestly did not convince me.
Over the past week I noticed him seem high once and I also noticed a couple times that he had vaseline on the crooks of his arms. He is tired all the time, which isn't unusual because he works very early in the morning everyday, but it does seem that he is sleeping more than normal. He also refuses to cut his hair. This could be nothing but of course with everything else it worries me. As far as our relationship goes he is completely normal, treats me well, and nothing has changed.
Today I got around to testing the substance I found in his bathroom. I used an at home test I bought at a drug store. According to the test it is heroin that I found. For me this was like total confirmation that all my suspicions were true. I tried to talk to him but I am getting nothing out of him. I told him I am not trying to argue, I am not mad, I am just trying to talk. I told him I know the truth, it's right in front of my face, that I found heroin in his bathroom. I even showed him the test but he just denies, denies, denies. He claims the heroin must belong to one of his sisters friends who were at the house that night. He even showed me a mark on his arm and told me he scraped himself with something at work. I don't know what a needle mark looks like really so I couldn't argue that. I told him over and over that I know the truth and I don't believe him and I wish he would stop lying but he tells me he's not doing anything, and "thank you for caring so much but nothing is wrong and the conversation is over."
I just don't know what to do. Even thought I am so sure in my mind that he is using heroin there is still the tiniest part that believes him. After writing this whole thing out I feel that I am stupid to believe what he tells me. How do I get him to confess? I don't want to break up with him. I just want to know what's going on and I deserve to know the truth. I need him to admit this to me so I can know that I am not crazy and so that I can help him. I am so scared because I know the risks that come with using heroin. Do you agree that I am not a psycho, I am not making this up in my mind, that this is for real? How can I get him to admit this to me? He has had a hard time talking to me about drugs because I just don't understand because I have never been there. Should I try being more compassionate and understanding? Or should I be more assertive and tell him not to talk to me unless he plans on telling me the truth because I just can't take this anymore? Any type of advice would help here really. Thank you so much if you read all of this.
I am having a lot of trouble here and need an outsider's opinion on this. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now but have known him much longer. He was always very carefree, lived day by day, never seemed to care about himself or anyone else. He was almost reckless. He went thru a phase where he drank heavily everyday with his best friend. He would drink to the point where he would black out, drive home, wake up, go to school, and do it all over again. He continued this pattern for over a month. He also went thru a brief period of cocaine use. I think he only used cocaine a handful of times but it is still a huge deal to me. He then got into doing pills (crushing and snorting them) which became a problem for him. This took place around the beginning of our relationship. He recently finished a methadone program and to my knowledge has been clean. He was also selling drugs (I don't know what) around 2 months ago but stopped because I threatened to leave him if he didn't.
I am now highly suspicious that he is using heroin. This is killing me. I am losing sleep and have no motivation at all to do everyday things, which is so opposite of how I normally am. I am so unlike my boyfriend. I am anti-drugs. I occasionally will drink at a party. I've smoked pot but hate the stuff, it makes me bug out. Drugs scare the **** out of me and I hate everything that has to do with them. This is making me so worried and I'm really terrified about what could happen if this is true.
I truly believe that he has been injecting himself with heroin. I've felt this way for about a week now. It's not just one thing, it's several factors that just add up in my mind. For one, his friends are all scum bags. I hate them. They are grimy. There have been rumors in my circle of friends that the guys he hangs out with have been doing heroin. I have heard this several times from my closest friends.
I became suspicious one night at his house when he spent a long time in the bathroom. He told me he was taking a **** and I was standing outside the door because he asked me to come talk to him. When I was talking to him I felt like something wasn't right, I just had a gut feeling. I remember him telling me that when he would do pills he'd go into the bathroom and I wouldn't know. While I was taking to him he asked me to go get him a q-tip because "he had something in his ear." When I brought it to the door he opened it and was completely dressed. Then after a little while longer he told me I could go away because he was going to start making noises. I just felt like this was very odd because in the past he would just go to the bathroom with the door open and not even care. When he came out he seemed to be acting very weird. I heard him rummaging in his room in a plastic bag and when I came in he asked me to get out and yelled when I wouldn't. He said it was because he didn't want me to know where his money was but he NEVER had a problem with that before because I am completely trustworthy and he knows that. He appeared to be acting very odd and seemed high but I never like to jump to conclusions. He had difficulty counting his money and remembering numbers which is never a problem for him. The next morning before he left for work I heard him rummage in another plastic bag before going to the bathroom and spending a lot of time in the bathroom again.
That night I went thru the same sort of thing except I was outside with some of his sister's friends so I am not sure how long he was in the bathroom for. He told me he'd be out in a little while and when he came outside he seemed high again. He also took a hit off a blunt which is a red flag to me because I know he ONLY smokes weed when he is ****** up because he hates it and bugs out. He appeared sweaty, very tired, and I noticed he had trouble urinating. The next morning I heard him rummaging in that bag and clanking around in the bathroom. He thought I was half asleep and wouldn't notice. After he left for work I did some snooping and found syringes in that bag. One or two were used and there was also a q-tip. In the bathroom I found a folded up picture (which I took) with white powder on the back next to a cup. I also found a belt on the floor which was all wound up tight.
When I confronted him about the needles he told me they were his friends. He told me a few days before that he was holding needles and steroids for his friend and even showed them to me. The ones I found were in a different spot and he told me he didn't want to hide them all together. This honestly did not convince me.
Over the past week I noticed him seem high once and I also noticed a couple times that he had vaseline on the crooks of his arms. He is tired all the time, which isn't unusual because he works very early in the morning everyday, but it does seem that he is sleeping more than normal. He also refuses to cut his hair. This could be nothing but of course with everything else it worries me. As far as our relationship goes he is completely normal, treats me well, and nothing has changed.
Today I got around to testing the substance I found in his bathroom. I used an at home test I bought at a drug store. According to the test it is heroin that I found. For me this was like total confirmation that all my suspicions were true. I tried to talk to him but I am getting nothing out of him. I told him I am not trying to argue, I am not mad, I am just trying to talk. I told him I know the truth, it's right in front of my face, that I found heroin in his bathroom. I even showed him the test but he just denies, denies, denies. He claims the heroin must belong to one of his sisters friends who were at the house that night. He even showed me a mark on his arm and told me he scraped himself with something at work. I don't know what a needle mark looks like really so I couldn't argue that. I told him over and over that I know the truth and I don't believe him and I wish he would stop lying but he tells me he's not doing anything, and "thank you for caring so much but nothing is wrong and the conversation is over."
I just don't know what to do. Even thought I am so sure in my mind that he is using heroin there is still the tiniest part that believes him. After writing this whole thing out I feel that I am stupid to believe what he tells me. How do I get him to confess? I don't want to break up with him. I just want to know what's going on and I deserve to know the truth. I need him to admit this to me so I can know that I am not crazy and so that I can help him. I am so scared because I know the risks that come with using heroin. Do you agree that I am not a psycho, I am not making this up in my mind, that this is for real? How can I get him to admit this to me? He has had a hard time talking to me about drugs because I just don't understand because I have never been there. Should I try being more compassionate and understanding? Or should I be more assertive and tell him not to talk to me unless he plans on telling me the truth because I just can't take this anymore? Any type of advice would help here really. Thank you so much if you read all of this.
sounds like your boyfriend has quite a history with drugs...swapping one addiction for another. aahhhh...the nature of the beast.
you state that everything is fine now...your relationship...his job. if his use continues...it WILL get worse.
there are three scenarios here that you really need to see:
your boyfriend admits he has a problem...seeks help...commits to continued aftercare...and lives a life free of drugs.
your boyfriend denies everything...refuses support from loved ones...and continues his way of life. your relationship suffers...he looses his job...everyone turns their backs on him...he is forced to the streets. your boyfriend has NOTHING...not a penny to his name...no home...only the clothes on his back. STILL he refuses help. DRUGS ARE HIS LIFE. he will steal from the ones that love him the most to support his habit. he will do whatever it takes to score.
your boyfriend gets help...is on the right road. you marry this man and have kids. eight years down the road he runs into "an old friend" and is offered drugs. BECAUSE he is an addict...he is tempted beyond belief...KNOWING what is at stake if he uses just one time. BECAUSE he is an addict...he uses...he's hooked. now, not only is YOUR life afftected...but the life of your KIDS. the house that you had is lost...the car that you are driving is picked up...your kids do not have adequate care...not enough food.
maybe my examples seem extreme to you...but just maybe they are not extreme enough. i would take a looooooooong hard look at YOUR life and decide what you want for your future. the world of addiction is not a pleasant one. there ARE ppl that are successful at getting and remaining clean...but then again there are those that are not.
you state that everything is fine now...your relationship...his job. if his use continues...it WILL get worse.
there are three scenarios here that you really need to see:
your boyfriend admits he has a problem...seeks help...commits to continued aftercare...and lives a life free of drugs.
your boyfriend denies everything...refuses support from loved ones...and continues his way of life. your relationship suffers...he looses his job...everyone turns their backs on him...he is forced to the streets. your boyfriend has NOTHING...not a penny to his name...no home...only the clothes on his back. STILL he refuses help. DRUGS ARE HIS LIFE. he will steal from the ones that love him the most to support his habit. he will do whatever it takes to score.
your boyfriend gets help...is on the right road. you marry this man and have kids. eight years down the road he runs into "an old friend" and is offered drugs. BECAUSE he is an addict...he is tempted beyond belief...KNOWING what is at stake if he uses just one time. BECAUSE he is an addict...he uses...he's hooked. now, not only is YOUR life afftected...but the life of your KIDS. the house that you had is lost...the car that you are driving is picked up...your kids do not have adequate care...not enough food.
maybe my examples seem extreme to you...but just maybe they are not extreme enough. i would take a looooooooong hard look at YOUR life and decide what you want for your future. the world of addiction is not a pleasant one. there ARE ppl that are successful at getting and remaining clean...but then again there are those that are not.
Thanks so much to everyone who replied. This is all helpful information.
At this point I am not willing to just remove myself from this situation. If I was in someone else's shoes and was giving myself advice I would say "get away, you don't need him, he is not good for you." And I know you probably wonder how I got involved with "someone like this." Sometimes I wonder the same thing. There is good and bad to everyone, though and I am not going to give up on someone I love because of the bad. Leaving him is just not an option. Right now I am trying not to focus on myself, but on him and the help he needs. If I was to leave him I know it would only make matters worse for him and myself. I love my boyfriend so much and giving up on someone you love is impossible to do.
Does anyone have any insight on what makes a person do drugs? I really want to understand him. He just does not fit the profile for someone who uses. I don't know what leads a person who has a completely normal and comfortable life to start doing drugs. He has a very loving family who cares about him very much and he knows that. To my knowledge there is no history of drug use in his family. He hasn't lost a loved one or gone through anything traumatic. Could he have some type of emotional problem? His mother is actually a drug counselor, so do you think I should consider involving her in this? This would be very uncomfortable for me, but I'll do what needs to be done. Should I threaten him with telling her? Would it be crazy to drug test him? I'm afraid this would almost help his side, because I know heroin does not stay in the system for very long.
I would also like to know more about the appearance of track marks, if anyone could make it more clear to me. And about how long does it take for them to go away?
I'm worried that now, having confronted him, he is just going to become more sneaky instead of turning himself around. Do you think snooping and spying is taking things too far? Are there any other red flags I should look out for?
Thanks again for all of your help. I know there are a lot of questions here, I am just very desperate. Even if you only address a few I will be more than grateful.
-- Jenny
At this point I am not willing to just remove myself from this situation. If I was in someone else's shoes and was giving myself advice I would say "get away, you don't need him, he is not good for you." And I know you probably wonder how I got involved with "someone like this." Sometimes I wonder the same thing. There is good and bad to everyone, though and I am not going to give up on someone I love because of the bad. Leaving him is just not an option. Right now I am trying not to focus on myself, but on him and the help he needs. If I was to leave him I know it would only make matters worse for him and myself. I love my boyfriend so much and giving up on someone you love is impossible to do.
Does anyone have any insight on what makes a person do drugs? I really want to understand him. He just does not fit the profile for someone who uses. I don't know what leads a person who has a completely normal and comfortable life to start doing drugs. He has a very loving family who cares about him very much and he knows that. To my knowledge there is no history of drug use in his family. He hasn't lost a loved one or gone through anything traumatic. Could he have some type of emotional problem? His mother is actually a drug counselor, so do you think I should consider involving her in this? This would be very uncomfortable for me, but I'll do what needs to be done. Should I threaten him with telling her? Would it be crazy to drug test him? I'm afraid this would almost help his side, because I know heroin does not stay in the system for very long.
I would also like to know more about the appearance of track marks, if anyone could make it more clear to me. And about how long does it take for them to go away?
I'm worried that now, having confronted him, he is just going to become more sneaky instead of turning himself around. Do you think snooping and spying is taking things too far? Are there any other red flags I should look out for?
Thanks again for all of your help. I know there are a lot of questions here, I am just very desperate. Even if you only address a few I will be more than grateful.
-- Jenny
OK, you have decided to live with a Heroin addict. You love him and want to help him, but first things first... Now you must prepare, protect and educate yourself.
Unprotected sex with this man is just down-right dangerous. HIV & Hep C should be a major concern for you. Do not trust if he says he's OK. If he is out and about and high, he may have sex with others, he may not, but he may. Protect yourself.
Do not be surprised if he steals money from you or your family. Hide your money or valuables. He may not, but he very well may. If his friends come to your home, they may steal from you....money or anything they can pawn to get their drugs. Eventually he may start borrowing money from you too, then he'll start stealing it. Prepare for this and protect yourself.
If you are in a car with him or out in public or even in your home, he could get busted and you, right along with him.
Go to Narc-Anon, they will teach you how to cope with an addict and give you the support you need. You can google it and find one near you.
You ask how can you make him be honest with you?, you can't. You obviously have all the proof, other than seeing him shooting himself up. Trust us, he is doing drugs. Don't be fooled by his lies. He will lie to you a lot. For some twisted reasoning, addicts think people will believe the stupidest lies. They will also lie to themselves....and believe it.
You can't "straighten "him out. He has to want it. You can only support his efforts (not financially).
Why do people become addicts? There are a million reasons, everyone is different. Perfectly normal, happy people can become addicts. Your boyfriend obviously has had a long time, on and off problem.
Yes, you should involve his mother in this, especially if she is a drug counselor. Don't threaten him with telling her, just tell her. He will need all the help and support if he ever decides to get help. His mother may be able to help him admit to his problem. Get together with his mom and talk about all this, you'll need her support too.
Should you drug test him? You could try, but he'll probably refuse saying "you" don't trust him. He'll probably turn it around on you with anger.
Trying to deal with an addict on your own will be to much to bear. You're gonna need help.
Put your seat belt on, you're in for a long, hard ride.
Sorry you're going thru this.
Unprotected sex with this man is just down-right dangerous. HIV & Hep C should be a major concern for you. Do not trust if he says he's OK. If he is out and about and high, he may have sex with others, he may not, but he may. Protect yourself.
Do not be surprised if he steals money from you or your family. Hide your money or valuables. He may not, but he very well may. If his friends come to your home, they may steal from you....money or anything they can pawn to get their drugs. Eventually he may start borrowing money from you too, then he'll start stealing it. Prepare for this and protect yourself.
If you are in a car with him or out in public or even in your home, he could get busted and you, right along with him.
Go to Narc-Anon, they will teach you how to cope with an addict and give you the support you need. You can google it and find one near you.
You ask how can you make him be honest with you?, you can't. You obviously have all the proof, other than seeing him shooting himself up. Trust us, he is doing drugs. Don't be fooled by his lies. He will lie to you a lot. For some twisted reasoning, addicts think people will believe the stupidest lies. They will also lie to themselves....and believe it.
You can't "straighten "him out. He has to want it. You can only support his efforts (not financially).
Why do people become addicts? There are a million reasons, everyone is different. Perfectly normal, happy people can become addicts. Your boyfriend obviously has had a long time, on and off problem.
Yes, you should involve his mother in this, especially if she is a drug counselor. Don't threaten him with telling her, just tell her. He will need all the help and support if he ever decides to get help. His mother may be able to help him admit to his problem. Get together with his mom and talk about all this, you'll need her support too.
Should you drug test him? You could try, but he'll probably refuse saying "you" don't trust him. He'll probably turn it around on you with anger.
Trying to deal with an addict on your own will be to much to bear. You're gonna need help.
Put your seat belt on, you're in for a long, hard ride.
Sorry you're going thru this.
Hi Jenny! I am a recovering heroin IV user (87days clean) and will try to give you alittle insight on this. First though I will say addiction does not discriminate... I do not fit a "profile" of an addict, I have a comfortable life and look like the girl next door I don't consider myself a scumbag or think I llok like 1 so just making clear we come in ALL walks of life... I was wondering how his mother got into the field of addiction w/ no addicts you know of being in the family? Also I do think you may want to talk to her and she will probably have great perspective on this,I am sure if she see's your bf regularly she may have suspisions already, but she would be a great help in helping her son seeing she's educated,anyway track marks (mine anyway) are usually in the bend of the arm,top of feet,on hands.wrists they tend to look like a scratch if he's been using the same spot a couple of times..if he switches spots regularly they may not be as glaring but you will definately notic red marks w/ a tiny pin ***** in the center(often addicts scrape that off) which will cause a red spot. The marks will not heal over night and like I said depending on the places he uses and how often some will be more noticeable than others,he also could be shooting in his feet so keep a watch on that basically if all of the sudden he has "scratches" from work alot or alot of red bumps and scratches your probably right on... I would not recommend calling the police on him at this point that could just backfire on you and make him very angry at you,himself and sink deeper into his addiction. It sounds like your bf has been an addict for some time just different drugs and like myself it has unfortunately progressed to this point,I don't think you will be able to make him admit anything until he's ready but please keep your gaurd up! I can tell you heroin addiction will make you lie cheat and STEAL anything and everything form the one's we love the most,It's an awful addiction that will take EVERYTHING AWAY AND FAST. Be very aware of any valuables you may leave around(jewelry etc) You may also notice his sex drive go down,appetite change,pinned pupils, all the signs seem to be there unfortunately,I wish you the best of luck hang in there if there is anything more you need to ask me feel free GD LUK JENNY : )
flmagi is absolutely right, i couldnt have said it better myself. i was in your shoes, had an addict boyfriend and i myself knowing nothing of drugs. i had made up my mind to move away and get out because no matter how hard i tried he wouldnt admit anything, even when i had obvious proof. he lied, stole, did whatever was needed to get his next fix. thank god he came to me last night and said he had a problem and he needed help... he has to want to fix himself. and my honest advice is until he's willing to do that, get out. write a letter explaining you love him, cant watch him destroy himself. sitting there while hes on drugs and keeping your mouth shut to keep things at a civil level is only going to enable him. if you keep throwing things in his face he will get angry and possibly violent. i wish you the best of luck, its not an easy thing. you're in my prayers.
I am also curious, how quickly does a person become addicted to heroin? At this point I've figured out that he has done/is doing the drug, although he will still not admit to it. However I am not sure if he is considered an addict. Reading these comments it seems that a lot of you have classified him as that. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, I never really considered that it has gotten that far. Do you think it is likely that if he only starting using in the past month or so he is already addicted to the drug?
Many have mentioned the possibility that he will start stealing from myself and loved ones. I haven't really seen a change in the amount of money he has. He always has money on him and has many checks he hasn't cashed from work. Do you think it's safe to assume he is selling again?
Obviously this is the only thing on my mind and is greatly worrying me. I have so much to ask and it really helps to have someone else's input as I cannot share this with my family and friends. It's comforting to know that someone else agrees with me on the situation and that I am not making crazy assumptions in my mind. Thanks to everyone who gave me their help. I really appreciate it.
Many have mentioned the possibility that he will start stealing from myself and loved ones. I haven't really seen a change in the amount of money he has. He always has money on him and has many checks he hasn't cashed from work. Do you think it's safe to assume he is selling again?
Obviously this is the only thing on my mind and is greatly worrying me. I have so much to ask and it really helps to have someone else's input as I cannot share this with my family and friends. It's comforting to know that someone else agrees with me on the situation and that I am not making crazy assumptions in my mind. Thanks to everyone who gave me their help. I really appreciate it.
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