Aa
Help me please. I think my boyfriend is doing drugs.
I know this is very long but please read this I need help!
I am having a lot of trouble here and need an outsider's opinion on this. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now but have known him much longer. He was always very carefree, lived day by day, never seemed to care about himself or anyone else. He was almost reckless. He went thru a phase where he drank heavily everyday with his best friend. He would drink to the point where he would black out, drive home, wake up, go to school, and do it all over again. He continued this pattern for over a month. He also went thru a brief period of cocaine use. I think he only used cocaine a handful of times but it is still a huge deal to me. He then got into doing pills (crushing and snorting them) which became a problem for him. This took place around the beginning of our relationship. He recently finished a methadone program and to my knowledge has been clean. He was also selling drugs (I don't know what) around 2 months ago but stopped because I threatened to leave him if he didn't.
I am now highly suspicious that he is using heroin. This is killing me. I am losing sleep and have no motivation at all to do everyday things, which is so opposite of how I normally am. I am so unlike my boyfriend. I am anti-drugs. I occasionally will drink at a party. I've smoked pot but hate the stuff, it makes me bug out. Drugs scare the **** out of me and I hate everything that has to do with them. This is making me so worried and I'm really terrified about what could happen if this is true.
I truly believe that he has been injecting himself with heroin. I've felt this way for about a week now. It's not just one thing, it's several factors that just add up in my mind. For one, his friends are all scum bags. I hate them. They are grimy. There have been rumors in my circle of friends that the guys he hangs out with have been doing heroin. I have heard this several times from my closest friends.
I became suspicious one night at his house when he spent a long time in the bathroom. He told me he was taking a **** and I was standing outside the door because he asked me to come talk to him. When I was talking to him I felt like something wasn't right, I just had a gut feeling. I remember him telling me that when he would do pills he'd go into the bathroom and I wouldn't know. While I was taking to him he asked me to go get him a q-tip because "he had something in his ear." When I brought it to the door he opened it and was completely dressed. Then after a little while longer he told me I could go away because he was going to start making noises. I just felt like this was very odd because in the past he would just go to the bathroom with the door open and not even care. When he came out he seemed to be acting very weird. I heard him rummaging in his room in a plastic bag and when I came in he asked me to get out and yelled when I wouldn't. He said it was because he didn't want me to know where his money was but he NEVER had a problem with that before because I am completely trustworthy and he knows that. He appeared to be acting very odd and seemed high but I never like to jump to conclusions. He had difficulty counting his money and remembering numbers which is never a problem for him. The next morning before he left for work I heard him rummage in another plastic bag before going to the bathroom and spending a lot of time in the bathroom again.
That night I went thru the same sort of thing except I was outside with some of his sister's friends so I am not sure how long he was in the bathroom for. He told me he'd be out in a little while and when he came outside he seemed high again. He also took a hit off a blunt which is a red flag to me because I know he ONLY smokes weed when he is ****** up because he hates it and bugs out. He appeared sweaty, very tired, and I noticed he had trouble urinating. The next morning I heard him rummaging in that bag and clanking around in the bathroom. He thought I was half asleep and wouldn't notice. After he left for work I did some snooping and found syringes in that bag. One or two were used and there was also a q-tip. In the bathroom I found a folded up picture (which I took) with white powder on the back next to a cup. I also found a belt on the floor which was all wound up tight.
When I confronted him about the needles he told me they were his friends. He told me a few days before that he was holding needles and steroids for his friend and even showed them to me. The ones I found were in a different spot and he told me he didn't want to hide them all together. This honestly did not convince me.
Over the past week I noticed him seem high once and I also noticed a couple times that he had vaseline on the crooks of his arms. He is tired all the time, which isn't unusual because he works very early in the morning everyday, but it does seem that he is sleeping more than normal. He also refuses to cut his hair. This could be nothing but of course with everything else it worries me. As far as our relationship goes he is completely normal, treats me well, and nothing has changed.
Today I got around to testing the substance I found in his bathroom. I used an at home test I bought at a drug store. According to the test it is heroin that I found. For me this was like total confirmation that all my suspicions were true. I tried to talk to him but I am getting nothing out of him. I told him I am not trying to argue, I am not mad, I am just trying to talk. I told him I know the truth, it's right in front of my face, that I found heroin in his bathroom. I even showed him the test but he just denies, denies, denies. He claims the heroin must belong to one of his sisters friends who were at the house that night. He even showed me a mark on his arm and told me he scraped himself with something at work. I don't know what a needle mark looks like really so I couldn't argue that. I told him over and over that I know the truth and I don't believe him and I wish he would stop lying but he tells me he's not doing anything, and "thank you for caring so much but nothing is wrong and the conversation is over."
I just don't know what to do. Even thought I am so sure in my mind that he is using heroin there is still the tiniest part that believes him. After writing this whole thing out I feel that I am stupid to believe what he tells me. How do I get him to confess? I don't want to break up with him. I just want to know what's going on and I deserve to know the truth. I need him to admit this to me so I can know that I am not crazy and so that I can help him. I am so scared because I know the risks that come with using heroin. Do you agree that I am not a psycho, I am not making this up in my mind, that this is for real? How can I get him to admit this to me? He has had a hard time talking to me about drugs because I just don't understand because I have never been there. Should I try being more compassionate and understanding? Or should I be more assertive and tell him not to talk to me unless he plans on telling me the truth because I just can't take this anymore? Any type of advice would help here really. Thank you so much if you read all of this.
I am having a lot of trouble here and need an outsider's opinion on this. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now but have known him much longer. He was always very carefree, lived day by day, never seemed to care about himself or anyone else. He was almost reckless. He went thru a phase where he drank heavily everyday with his best friend. He would drink to the point where he would black out, drive home, wake up, go to school, and do it all over again. He continued this pattern for over a month. He also went thru a brief period of cocaine use. I think he only used cocaine a handful of times but it is still a huge deal to me. He then got into doing pills (crushing and snorting them) which became a problem for him. This took place around the beginning of our relationship. He recently finished a methadone program and to my knowledge has been clean. He was also selling drugs (I don't know what) around 2 months ago but stopped because I threatened to leave him if he didn't.
I am now highly suspicious that he is using heroin. This is killing me. I am losing sleep and have no motivation at all to do everyday things, which is so opposite of how I normally am. I am so unlike my boyfriend. I am anti-drugs. I occasionally will drink at a party. I've smoked pot but hate the stuff, it makes me bug out. Drugs scare the **** out of me and I hate everything that has to do with them. This is making me so worried and I'm really terrified about what could happen if this is true.
I truly believe that he has been injecting himself with heroin. I've felt this way for about a week now. It's not just one thing, it's several factors that just add up in my mind. For one, his friends are all scum bags. I hate them. They are grimy. There have been rumors in my circle of friends that the guys he hangs out with have been doing heroin. I have heard this several times from my closest friends.
I became suspicious one night at his house when he spent a long time in the bathroom. He told me he was taking a **** and I was standing outside the door because he asked me to come talk to him. When I was talking to him I felt like something wasn't right, I just had a gut feeling. I remember him telling me that when he would do pills he'd go into the bathroom and I wouldn't know. While I was taking to him he asked me to go get him a q-tip because "he had something in his ear." When I brought it to the door he opened it and was completely dressed. Then after a little while longer he told me I could go away because he was going to start making noises. I just felt like this was very odd because in the past he would just go to the bathroom with the door open and not even care. When he came out he seemed to be acting very weird. I heard him rummaging in his room in a plastic bag and when I came in he asked me to get out and yelled when I wouldn't. He said it was because he didn't want me to know where his money was but he NEVER had a problem with that before because I am completely trustworthy and he knows that. He appeared to be acting very odd and seemed high but I never like to jump to conclusions. He had difficulty counting his money and remembering numbers which is never a problem for him. The next morning before he left for work I heard him rummage in another plastic bag before going to the bathroom and spending a lot of time in the bathroom again.
That night I went thru the same sort of thing except I was outside with some of his sister's friends so I am not sure how long he was in the bathroom for. He told me he'd be out in a little while and when he came outside he seemed high again. He also took a hit off a blunt which is a red flag to me because I know he ONLY smokes weed when he is ****** up because he hates it and bugs out. He appeared sweaty, very tired, and I noticed he had trouble urinating. The next morning I heard him rummaging in that bag and clanking around in the bathroom. He thought I was half asleep and wouldn't notice. After he left for work I did some snooping and found syringes in that bag. One or two were used and there was also a q-tip. In the bathroom I found a folded up picture (which I took) with white powder on the back next to a cup. I also found a belt on the floor which was all wound up tight.
When I confronted him about the needles he told me they were his friends. He told me a few days before that he was holding needles and steroids for his friend and even showed them to me. The ones I found were in a different spot and he told me he didn't want to hide them all together. This honestly did not convince me.
Over the past week I noticed him seem high once and I also noticed a couple times that he had vaseline on the crooks of his arms. He is tired all the time, which isn't unusual because he works very early in the morning everyday, but it does seem that he is sleeping more than normal. He also refuses to cut his hair. This could be nothing but of course with everything else it worries me. As far as our relationship goes he is completely normal, treats me well, and nothing has changed.
Today I got around to testing the substance I found in his bathroom. I used an at home test I bought at a drug store. According to the test it is heroin that I found. For me this was like total confirmation that all my suspicions were true. I tried to talk to him but I am getting nothing out of him. I told him I am not trying to argue, I am not mad, I am just trying to talk. I told him I know the truth, it's right in front of my face, that I found heroin in his bathroom. I even showed him the test but he just denies, denies, denies. He claims the heroin must belong to one of his sisters friends who were at the house that night. He even showed me a mark on his arm and told me he scraped himself with something at work. I don't know what a needle mark looks like really so I couldn't argue that. I told him over and over that I know the truth and I don't believe him and I wish he would stop lying but he tells me he's not doing anything, and "thank you for caring so much but nothing is wrong and the conversation is over."
I just don't know what to do. Even thought I am so sure in my mind that he is using heroin there is still the tiniest part that believes him. After writing this whole thing out I feel that I am stupid to believe what he tells me. How do I get him to confess? I don't want to break up with him. I just want to know what's going on and I deserve to know the truth. I need him to admit this to me so I can know that I am not crazy and so that I can help him. I am so scared because I know the risks that come with using heroin. Do you agree that I am not a psycho, I am not making this up in my mind, that this is for real? How can I get him to admit this to me? He has had a hard time talking to me about drugs because I just don't understand because I have never been there. Should I try being more compassionate and understanding? Or should I be more assertive and tell him not to talk to me unless he plans on telling me the truth because I just can't take this anymore? Any type of advice would help here really. Thank you so much if you read all of this.
Jenny - A few years back my wife had to make the same decision that you are looking at today. And she stayed. It took me a couple more years to get it entirely together - - those years were not a huge picnic......but they also included an intense year of chemo...We are looking at celebrating a 30th wedding anniversary this year and my youngest is now fine young man of 20............ and I am clean and pleased. No one is saying to "get out ASAP" - - but they are trying to prepare you for what may be in store. Best of luck to you with whatever decision you make.......
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. That was a very well thought out and mature statement.
I have to be honest: For me, tough love was the only thing that worked. I had people in my life that stuck by me, held my hand and attempted to help me. I didn't get the help. Then along came the people who gave me an ultimatum and showed me "tough love". It was then, and only then, that I admitted that I had a problem and got help.
Many, many years later I married an alcoholic. He too is my friend, my best friend in fact and for years I stuck by him. He did not admit he had a problem and it began to effect us emotionally and certainly financially. I finally told him that although I loved him he needed to make a choice. He would lose everything if he didn't. He will be celebrating six years sober this October, GOD willing.
So when I speak to you I speak from my personal experience as an addict and from someone who lives with an addict.
Most everyone here has had experience either with themselves or a loved one who is actively using. They mean no harm to you and are out to help and protect you. In the two years I have been on this site I have seen hundreds and hundreds of young girls like yourself lose everything by loving an active addict.
It is difficult at best and I admire you for wanting to help. Do yourself a favor, consider joining perhaps an al-anon group where you will learn from group members who are going through exactly what you are. They can best teach you to set boundaries, etc.
Again, take good care of yourself.
I have to be honest: For me, tough love was the only thing that worked. I had people in my life that stuck by me, held my hand and attempted to help me. I didn't get the help. Then along came the people who gave me an ultimatum and showed me "tough love". It was then, and only then, that I admitted that I had a problem and got help.
Many, many years later I married an alcoholic. He too is my friend, my best friend in fact and for years I stuck by him. He did not admit he had a problem and it began to effect us emotionally and certainly financially. I finally told him that although I loved him he needed to make a choice. He would lose everything if he didn't. He will be celebrating six years sober this October, GOD willing.
So when I speak to you I speak from my personal experience as an addict and from someone who lives with an addict.
Most everyone here has had experience either with themselves or a loved one who is actively using. They mean no harm to you and are out to help and protect you. In the two years I have been on this site I have seen hundreds and hundreds of young girls like yourself lose everything by loving an active addict.
It is difficult at best and I admire you for wanting to help. Do yourself a favor, consider joining perhaps an al-anon group where you will learn from group members who are going through exactly what you are. They can best teach you to set boundaries, etc.
Again, take good care of yourself.
I lost my son over my heroin partner.. was he worth it.. NO ! I have hep C stage 2 liver disease.. 1 kidney at stage 3 Was he worth it NO ! You may never use the drugs but you will be effected by them.. I really have nothing further to say but I hope it works out as you envision it in your mind and heart.. lesa
What do you mean by "he checked the mileage?"
Also, FYI: we do not live together, I do spend many nights at his home, I do not feel that my safety is at risk here.
We are both 19.
I would just like to clear some things up as I think several of you have the wrong idea here. I am not being passive aggressive and I am not being laid back. I may come across that way but come on this is the internet, you can't see my emotions, and trust me I am not taking this nonchalantly. It's really affecting me and it is a HUGE deal. I just wanted some advice and answered questions from people who have been in this position and have a little more information than I do.
Also, I don't have low self esteem. I know what I deserve and I know I deserve better than this situation. I don't really care about my issues right now. When you're in a relationship it isn't all about you. This is something I need to deal with right now and I don't believe in running away from your problems. If I just up and leave him I KNOW it would only make his drug use worse.
Above anything, he is my friend and I would never desert a friend whom I knew needed my help. I am considering putting the relationship on hold until he decides to come clean and get clean. But removing him from my life completely is just absurd to me and something I won't even consider. I don't care if we're unmarried, or young, or have only been together for a year; that's just not right in my opinion. Running away from this would definitely be the easy way out but it is for sure not the right choice, and I know it.
Many of you feel very strongly that I should just get out ASAP. I need to know, would it be that easy for you to just sever all ties with someone who is such a major part of your life, whom you love so much?
I would just like to clear some things up as I think several of you have the wrong idea here. I am not being passive aggressive and I am not being laid back. I may come across that way but come on this is the internet, you can't see my emotions, and trust me I am not taking this nonchalantly. It's really affecting me and it is a HUGE deal. I just wanted some advice and answered questions from people who have been in this position and have a little more information than I do.
Also, I don't have low self esteem. I know what I deserve and I know I deserve better than this situation. I don't really care about my issues right now. When you're in a relationship it isn't all about you. This is something I need to deal with right now and I don't believe in running away from your problems. If I just up and leave him I KNOW it would only make his drug use worse.
Above anything, he is my friend and I would never desert a friend whom I knew needed my help. I am considering putting the relationship on hold until he decides to come clean and get clean. But removing him from my life completely is just absurd to me and something I won't even consider. I don't care if we're unmarried, or young, or have only been together for a year; that's just not right in my opinion. Running away from this would definitely be the easy way out but it is for sure not the right choice, and I know it.
Many of you feel very strongly that I should just get out ASAP. I need to know, would it be that easy for you to just sever all ties with someone who is such a major part of your life, whom you love so much?
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