I am an addict

[KristiBelle]

I only just admitted this to myself like Tuesday a week ago. I LOVE 30's. I'm almost 38 and been around drugs all my adult life and never got hooked on **** til these damn 30's. I got so much **** going on I don't even know what to say or what not to. I haven't done one since Friday, so I guess I'm 4 days in. I'm really not even trying to count. I haven't even been on them all that long but I must have the tolerance of an elephant or some **** because I just want more and more and more. I would guess around the holiday's last year was when I really got going. I've been a casual user of everything forever but these are a *****! I never thought I would be such a mess. I guess I'm kinda addicted to a guy, too. He finally left last weekend. Maybe at least he was smart enough to know we had to get away from each other because all we do anymore is get high...or try to get high, mostly just not be sick. I know I'm rambling but I'm a freakin mess and I don't have anyone to talk to and haven't slept for **** in days. I saw my guy today. He's doing good. He's a few days ahead of me. Really seeing him just made me want to get high. I don't really feel too bad physically, my stomach is kind of a mess but my nerves are a wreck! I hate everyone but I hate being by myself. I don't know where to go except sit in the house by myself because I don't trust myself not to get out and chase down a pill. **** a pill. I'm tired of this ****.  

[elatedexaddict13]

Haven't heard from you in a couple, Kristi Belle!! Hope you're doing great and taking care of that new tat!!! Just checking in on ya...

[VICourageous]

I think the time for your Brain Transmitter balancing back depends on how healthy you are, How long you used (Years) How much drugs you did. See each drug can hit different receptors. Most drugs give Dopamine Surges to the Mid-brain (pleasure part) Like take opiates hit endorphins,serintion,gabba, some other drugs hit the norepinphrine, some hit the Gabba and like Nicotine binds acetycholine and alchohol blocks the NMDA. So when we use for many years it does get this unbalanced and this is what takes time. We could feel good physically but it still take time for the brain to heal..I had a professional Dr tell me it could take a year or two. BUT I have felt the best after my 10 months but I used 3 drugs for over 12years and used off and one since I was 14. I have been on here long enough to believe with all of my Heart that if you do start jogging, running or any kind of exercise this will heal quicker..My own Dr just told me this a few month ago..Get on it he said, do more..So I did and I can feel a big turn..AGAIN You could bounce back fast but leave all mind-altering drugs alone at it could be quick..Wishing you the best..
Bless

[KristiBelle]

Months...I don't even wanna think about that. Today, I made it thru today and I'm good with that for now. Months *shaking my head* no way

[michael1953296]

Yes but don't feel bad if you still don't feel good. It takes some time for our endorphins to begin to work again. They have been shut down by the drugs and sometimes it takes months for them to re-wire themselves.
Michael

[clean_in_ks]

Good for you, Kristi.....the sunshine on your face and the exercise of walking will boost your endorphins (natural opiate we miraculously produce...aka...endo morphine)....swing your arm up every once in awhile and look at that new word on your arm...hahaha!

[KristiBelle]

I did make it to the shower YAY me. Now I just gotta get out of the house. At the very least I have to go outside and feed the dogs. I'd say they would appreciate it lol. I am out of the bed tho so that's a start. Maybe after I feed the dogs I'll make those two laps. You can't know what it means to me that you are following me and helping me to PERSEVERE :)

[clean_in_ks]

Kristi....MAKE yourself get out of bed....take a shower....go for a walk around "your circle"....two times...lol.....feel the sunshine on your face...get some fresh air.....drink some water and eat some kind of protein...your brain needs the protein and your body REALLY needs the water.

PERSEVERE:  to continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty

Isn't that what you brand new tat says?  Force yourself....you will feel SO much better....our bodies believe everything our brain tells them~

[KristiBelle]

I am having such a bad day, I mean terrible. I felt so good yesterday and I feel like 10 pounds of sh*t in a 5 pound bag today. I'm so depressed I don't want to get out of bed. It is 2 in the afternoon here and I'm still in bed smoking my 20th cigarette of the day. I've called a couple people and talked to pass some time but I just can't get out of this damn funk I woke up in. The funk in making me wanna do the bad thing...I need some help my new friends.

[KristiBelle]

Thanks so much for cheering for me! This board has been a lifeline for me these last few days, I have never found kinder or more helpful people than I have here. I do feel so much better right now than when I made a lot of those posts. I like to reread it a couple times a day just to see how much better I am already. I'm not getting cocky I know I got a long way to go but I am awful proud of myself today.

[KristiBelle]

So, I did it...I went and got my tat today. I got Persevere on the inside of my right forearm to remind myself to keep strong no matter how hard it is. I love it! I posted a picture of it and a couple pics of me and my girl for you VIC. They're all the wrong way but I don't know how to fix them...Hey I got them there haha

[VICourageous]

Hi again, I still just love that name. One day you should put some pics in..lol
I agree with the above about not saying anything right now. You need to work on You because staying clean is when the hard work starts.I would however tell or teach her all you can about the Disease of Addiction later when she is a bit older, so she can be more aware of it as she grows up and she might have friends that will use..This way she can make a choice to stay around clean people and tell her friends how damaging the Drugs and Booze can be. Try to find all the info you can and buy some videos for her to watch someday. I sure do wish you the best and I think you are doing a awesome Job right now. If you want to go into my Journal I put a couple of information I got from a few areas about this disease. I got CNK going on it and she has found some great Web sites too. Check it all out it will be worth it. Of course our CNK is always coming up with great info on any of this. So if you need to know more just PM us.
Bless

[EvolverU]

Hey there Cristibelle! Congratulations & a Hi Five to you on your 1st week clean. Fabulous Job! I just wanted to let you know that I've been watching your thread & you're doing an outstanding job. I can't tell you how different you sound from a week ago. (Great work not caving that night you were so miserable w/ your BF telling you that, btw.)

Also, this thread is a thing of beauty. You got some wonderful support. So, I just wanted to tell all the posters what a great job they're all doing. I tip my hat to each & every one of you, my friends! Christibelle, keep it up. You're doing it!

[tryingtocope39]

Congrats on 1 week, that's huge! Go you!
Since you asked, I will offer my opinion on telling your daughter. I personally, would not. Not @ this point. When she's older & has a better understanding of the world, & you have some serious clean time under your belt, like years, then maybe. For now, IMO, she's too young to really understand.
Keep up the good work. Now comes the hard part...staying clean. Stay busy & be good to yourself. You will do great! Congrats, again!

[nursegirl6572]

She just thinks he makes me crazy and that's the reason mom goes off the deep end every once in a while.

She would be right!  From what you said!  I think kids pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for.  As for telling your daughter more info about what's going on, I don't know that I would agree with that.  The others would probably have better insight on that, as they have gone through similar with their kids, and probably seen the good and the bad that may result from being honest.  She's at an iffy age too.

You're doing great and have a great attitude, keep plugging along!

[KristiBelle]

I never considered that could have been the reason for her reaction. I really don't think she has any idea about the drugs. I think I have successfully hidden that from her so far.She just doesn't like him much in general. She just thinks he makes me crazy and that's the reason mom goes off the deep end every once in a while. She is not interested in him coming back home at all though. Maybe she knows more than I think. I have thought about just fessin' up to her but she's just short of 14 and I'm not sure how good of an idea it would be to put something else on her. She sure has dealt with a lot already in her short lifetime.What are your thoughts on this? I would appreciate anyone else's input as well.

[KristiBelle]

I'm doing pretty good today. I got out of the house and paid some bills and went out to lunch all by myself. That was the first time I had ever done that in my whole entire life. One of my biggest fears is being alone. I hate it and it petrifies me. But I think the new me is going to try to change that, too.

Considering going and getting a new tattoo tonight to treat myself for ONE WHOLE BIG WEEK SOBER! If I can get it done and I can figure out how to post a pic I will. Thanks for checking up on me. Hope you're having a great day :)

[nursegirl6572]

You know what???  Your daughter is actually a smart cookie!  From it sounds like, she recognizes that this guy is trouble for you to be around, and you going on and on about being proud of you helping him probably made her irritated.  She's smart to have that reaction.  It was appropriate.  Then you wigged out on her.

Other than that (I still think you've got to be careful there)...you're doing amazing,.  Go apologize to your daughter and tell her if she has an issue with something, to discuss it with you respectfully, and YOU will do the same.  Right?

Go girl!!  :0)

[elatedexaddict13]

How are you doing today? Hope great... every day will get better and better!! And what you're going through is what we all went through at first... a little agro, a little short fuse, but every day that passes, you can control it better and better as you get to 'find' yourself once again. That wonderful person inside will emerge before you know it!!!

[KristiBelle]

I wanted to check in with everyone and say hi and tell you guys what a great day I am having so far. I feel like I've gotten so much done. I did the laundry. Not a big deal right, I know, but considering I hadn't touched it in almost 2 weeks it was a pretty damn big deal I thought haha.

My whatever the hell he is is currently trying to get a new business up and running and called me needing some help with getting a DOT number for his company. Even though last night he had me so torn up that I was tempted to break weak I decided to help him out. I got it done for him and had a great feeling of success. It was nice :)

The thing I did though that I am the proudest of of all is I reached out to one of my old sober friends. He was my talk every single day bestbest bestie for years. I distanced myself from him as I got further down. He's a loyal good friend though because he answered right away and we talked for a while just about this and that. He didn't ask any questions. He knows I'll talk when I do. I'm so glad I called him and so thankful to have such a friend.

I had a little mood swing flip out a few minutes ago on my daughter and I feel not so good about that. She's been staying with a friend and stopped by because she needed some money. I was telling her about getting the DOT number thing done, being so proud of myself and all. While I was telling her she was standing there rolling her eyes and it just ran ALL OVER ME! I told her in my best sailor language that she was being rude and to just go on. She's a teenager and that's how they are so I should have kept my cool and I'm NOT AT ALL proud of myself for how I handled that.

Other than that it's been a good day though...not one craving, not one temptation, not one wd symptom. Thank all you guys so much for being here for me. This board has been a gift these last few days.

[KristiBelle]

I didn't. I wanted to bad but I didn't. I stayed strong and I'm proud of me.

[KristiBelle]

He is currently clean, yes. He is several days ahead of me and we have been off and on for 2 years.

[nursegirl6572]

Using isn't an option, it won't change your reality hon.  You have to get used to FEELING again, the good AND the bad.  Can you go to a meeting?

[dominosarah]

Is he clean?  How long has he been in the picture?

[KristiBelle]

I just had a really painful conversation. My man told me that even though he is trying to be my friend through this that he has absolutely no intention of ever being in a couple type relationship anymore. I was under the impression that we were just staying away from each other for a while to get our sh*t together and then try to work our way back to a sober life together. I want so bad to get high right now. I am totally, completely, crazy in love with this man and can't imagine not having him in my life.