Is my son a heroin addict?

[matthew1989]

I know little about drug addiction just the stuff I've read here on the computer.  My son is now 19 almost 20.  Since highschool he's had a problem with addiction.  Around 6 months ago he moved back home after a hard life of drug use living with drug users.   He really wanted to go to college and I wanted to give him a chance.  So I signed him up and he attended for maybe a week or two than withdrew.  Had been out of work for months finally finds a job that I believe he may have loss yesterday on his 5th day.  My husband and I went away for 2 days and come back to find him sick.  Throwing up,pupils so tiny I could bearly see them and having a hard time even walking.  I've seen this before maybe twice and he's always swore he was sick from eating something bad.  My question is is this throwing up and sickness from withdrawal or from just coming down off of the drug?  He's really been trying the past few weeks.  He's with us all the time.  I don't see signs of what I would think to look for in a heroin addict.  But than again I don't know what to look for.  Why the sickness only some of the time?  I've seen it like a total of three times.  But I also know that he lies pretty much non stop.  I tried to tell myself he has had no money so how can he be doing drugs but than again I just don't know.  Today when he got home looking a little better I got my keys and said lets go take a drug test. First he said ok than he finally said " fine I was coming down off of heroin." So I than told him to get off of our property until he's ready for help.  I have three other young boys here and we have just been through so much else in front of them.  He"s really a sweet hearted kid.  Two weeks ago he begged for help told us we should move.  He was saying he was addicted to pot.  So thats when we said ok we can't move but no more going to friends.  We tried to watch him but prove to be impossible.  My husband is extremely hard on him and doesn't want to hear a word from him.  Well, as the mother I am having such a hard time.  It's ripping my whold family apart.  My husband and I cant say one word to each other about my son.  It's like he has no heart when it comess to him.  ANY ADVICE would be great.  Thanks, one broken hearted mom.

[LIZZIE LOU]

i am the mother of three addicts (YIKES)...and somehow, i am still sane :)

as bad as this sounds...you have to let go.  oh how wonderful life would be if we could just love them sober, huh?  we cant...but what we can do is let them know that they are loved and that we are ALWAYS here to support their recovery but not their addiction.  we can let them know that whenever they decide that they have had enough and want help...we will be there for them and do whatever we can.

i can tell you that out of my three sons...only one is clean and sober and has been for over three years.  HE is the one that asked for help and that is exactly what we did.  he realized that he could not do this by himself and asked for long term rehab...meaning at least a year.  i feel blessed that we could afford to send him...but let me say that IF we could not...i would have sold my soul to see that it happened.

i too faced alot of what you are going through with your husband.  my husband did not understand addiction AT ALL...and i think more than anything HE felt as if he had failed our son and didnt know how to express his feelings with anything except anger.  my son had been in jail and instead of bailing him out...i left him in there until all the plans had been worked out and he was to leave the next day for rehab.  we picked him up late that afternoon so that we could spend time with him before he left for a year (he was 18).  i ran to the store and my husband "believed" my son's story about having to go somewhere and let him leave the house.  OF COURSE...he came back high on crack and my husband went beserk.  he told him that he was not going to spend over $100,000.00 sending him to rehab and that he was going back to jail.  my husband was soooooo frustrated that he started throwing his clothes out the door, at which time i proceeded to throw my husband's clothes out the door ! ! !  so what am i getting at???  i think that it was at this moment that my husband started to realize what addiction was all about.  seeing our son...who WANTED help and asked to go to rehab, go get high the night before he was to go...helped him to understand that our son's addiction was stronger than he was.  seeing me throw his clothes out the door and telling him that if he took my son back to jail, that he would not be allowed back in the house...helped him see that i meant business.  my son had had enough and wanted to the chance to turn his life around and i MEANT that it was going to happen come hell or high water.

my other two sons are still in active addiction.  i can not and will not support their addiction and have been forced... for my own sanity...to distance myself from them.  my heart breaks daily at the thought of them slowly killing themselves...but the ugly reality of the situation is that until THEY decide they want help...there is absolutely NOTHING that i can do to change that.  what i can do is take care of myself.  it wasnt until i decided to become as selfish as the addict in them, that i was able to let go.

my heart is heavy knowing everything that you have gone through and are going through right now.  i'm soooo sorry that you do not have the support of your husband to help you through this tough time.   please find some meetings or seek help from a therapist to help you work through this.  as mothers we tend to try and take on the world...to "fix" everything and everyone that we love...but in the process we loose ourself.  if there comes a time that your son comes to you and asks for help...YOU need to be healthy yourself in order to help him.

my thoughts and prayers are with you...
kim

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Dawn - - Lesa is, of course, giving you real time and tremendous advice ....  I am glad that you have some personal space today to try and relax and regroup. It could easily have been much worse.  And once again - this isnt about you and any parenting issues from youth - - surely you can recognize that Matts problem goes back to early days .... It is a disease thats got genetic predispositions ... be open and honest with your younger boys - - they have a great risk of ending up with Matt and his other friends - - they dont have to, but the chance is there. You already know about some things from your brothers deaths ... Dad needs to make an adjustment or two - but moving out isnt the answer for you right now - and that wouldnt be in Matts best interest either. Do some research on your computer and keep increasing your knowledge ... stay in touch with the friends that you have made here .... and best of luck to you and the whole family ...

[10356]

Me again.. first I would like to say.. take a deep breath as with everyone home you must have felt suffocated and very alone... I'm very sorry that all the blame seems to be coming back to you.. Now is the time for gaining knowledge on addiction/drugs read as much as you can..ask questions.. I was a junkie at 16 used for 4 years then turned to crank (speed) for a couple.. I was very young as you can see.. I have since married for 27 years and have sons of my own.. I have always been very open about my drug use..  sparing only the details that were for me personal.. they also watched me struggle with addiction to other drugs as I have had need of pain meds... In my honest opinion.. Your kids at home now know more about drugs then you do.. they have been watching and learning what drugs do.. Now is the time to talk.. be honest.. they are trying to be with you.. they know when we lie to them.. You can not hide what they live....... I'm happy to say my sons and daughter are all drug/smoke free... responsible and knowledgeable on the effects and dangers of drugs/alcohol..
Matt.. You have not failed matt... how can we fail we we give it our best shot.. the reason for my drug use at such a young age.. I was Angry.. very angry and hurt.. the dynamics with your husband in my honest opinion.. have effected him more then he has let on.. or perhaps he has.. I can tell you with my first.. it seems as if he catches the brunt when things are not going well as I think my husband expects a different maturity.. He is much like me.. sorta head in the clouds drifting along.. you know.. the youngest.. like him.. productive works with his hands.. My point.. my son and I have spoken how this effects him.. it hurts.. although no where as extreme as I think is your sons pain.. I hope you do not mind me approaching you this way but this is how it reads..
It took 6 years for me to get it together.. and end my affair with the needle and street drugs.. I did not do bad worked had kids a successful marriage.. but not till I received therapy did I have the desire to be clean for myself..
As before.. all you can do for your son.. is love him.. meet him for lunch tell him you are thinking about him.. I know the od scared the sh!t out of you.. but I hope it also did the same for him.. I have slept in abandoned cars under bridges.. in the field next to moms farm as I was not allowed on the property.. This is ok.. he is lucky summer is coming if this is the path he chooses.. He chooses.. Unfortunately he is an adult.. They had put me in a few drug houses.. haha what a joke.. it just pissed me off more.. You are not turning your back.. You are giving the kids at home a chance to live in stability in a home that blame and in fighting is not going on..
I must say your husband is very angry and I hope you realize you did not cause this our bring it on yourself.. I learned awhile ago that taking on others guilt is a very bad idea.. I hope you stay and seek support as I feel you are not being handled with enough respect.. You are trying to be a mother and protect your child.. as a she bear.. your husband should acknowledge this and be understanding.. but he is hurt and angry.. I'm so sorry for this.. Please feel free to contact me as I would be more then happy to open a dialogue with you..Hugs for a worried mom....lesa

[10356]

Hey Dawn I'm with you.. I will be typing back I'm slow :) I just want you to know.. You are not alone.. more to follow..

[matthew1989]

No, we don't have anyone that matt could go and stay with.  i wish we did.  its always been just us.  it really ***** having no family.  well i have a sister in la but she is an *** that believes i need to wash my hands of my son.  and i have a brother in tenn.  didnt grow up with him.  great guy even sent matt a ticket once to go and visit but i think that was more about showing my son all that he has.  hes a great guy just a little swollen headed rich guy.  which hey he worked hard his whole life so hey he deserves it.  two of my other brothers killed themselves over drug use.  and my well off brother had to deal with all of it alone.  so i think he's had his feel of dealing with what drugs do.  he's already taking care of one of my brothers son that was left behind when my brother killed himself.  bought him a car paying for his college giving him a monthly allowence.  i don't think my son really would leave anyways.  he always says he would never leave his girlfriend of 4 yrs.  When my son asked us to move i think it was more so that he wanted to know if we loved him enough to move.  i don't actually think he would move.  when i got to the hospital the other night his first words were wow you do love me.  he feels unloved because he feels like such a bad person.  I tell him all the time that he is my world.  and i couldn't live without him.  we fight like cats and dogs always have but when we are done we hug and kiss and tell each other how much we love each other.  We have a weird relationship kinda because we kinda grew up together.  we were only 18 when we had him.  we had no family no friends moved far away form my parents.  so he was all i ever had.  when my husband and i would fight i would talk to matt.  would never do that today but being young and stupid i had no idea that was so bad.  ive always talked to matt about everything and him with me.  my husband blames me for whats happening with matt now because his whole life when he would come to me i would just listen and talk instead of getting mad and punishing.  at 14 when i found out my son was having sex i went and bought him condoms and said that i wished he had waited.  I went to the girls parents and talked to them.  but that was about it.  i guess i just never did the right thing with him.  i can't telll you how many tmes we would talk about drugs and how they would ruin his life.  and he was the perfect little boy that would tell me "mom i would never be that stupid".  so now with the other kids dang i have no clue do i talk to them or do i not say a word?  growing up my parents talked to me about nothing i knew nothing of drugs.  and i just grew up scared to death of drugs.  how do i get that???  Last night my 11 yr old was talking to my 8 yr old about what he found.  i told them it was something used to smoke tobacco in.  well they came back with but you could smoke meth or crack in it too.  I was shocked!  Heck I don't know.  I have no idea how you do that stuff or what it even looks like.  I asked my son how in the world would u know that.  he said tv.  ok sorry i think im rambling.  my husband went back to work today.  he's been home for like 6 days.  so yeah today is the first day i can talk without him coming in and telling me i will cause a devorce.  Sorry,  take care, Dawn

[cattalina]

D- none of this has happened due to bad parenting!!!!!!!!!! Stop beating yourself up!! You do what you can for people, including your children, but you can't control them no matter what. Addiction is a disease that is hard to understand, and hard to recognize for people when first dealing with it. It was NOT bad parenting. You hope and pray for the best for your kids but at the end of the day - it's not up to you what decisions they make, it's up to them.

Think about what I said to you - make a plan of attack. Although you're in a tough spot between Matt and your husband, that's not an excuse to flounder on this. You can do this, you will get thru this. Now go get a manicure.... lol  :)