Is my son a heroin addict?

[matthew1989]

I know little about drug addiction just the stuff I've read here on the computer.  My son is now 19 almost 20.  Since highschool he's had a problem with addiction.  Around 6 months ago he moved back home after a hard life of drug use living with drug users.   He really wanted to go to college and I wanted to give him a chance.  So I signed him up and he attended for maybe a week or two than withdrew.  Had been out of work for months finally finds a job that I believe he may have loss yesterday on his 5th day.  My husband and I went away for 2 days and come back to find him sick.  Throwing up,pupils so tiny I could bearly see them and having a hard time even walking.  I've seen this before maybe twice and he's always swore he was sick from eating something bad.  My question is is this throwing up and sickness from withdrawal or from just coming down off of the drug?  He's really been trying the past few weeks.  He's with us all the time.  I don't see signs of what I would think to look for in a heroin addict.  But than again I don't know what to look for.  Why the sickness only some of the time?  I've seen it like a total of three times.  But I also know that he lies pretty much non stop.  I tried to tell myself he has had no money so how can he be doing drugs but than again I just don't know.  Today when he got home looking a little better I got my keys and said lets go take a drug test. First he said ok than he finally said " fine I was coming down off of heroin." So I than told him to get off of our property until he's ready for help.  I have three other young boys here and we have just been through so much else in front of them.  He"s really a sweet hearted kid.  Two weeks ago he begged for help told us we should move.  He was saying he was addicted to pot.  So thats when we said ok we can't move but no more going to friends.  We tried to watch him but prove to be impossible.  My husband is extremely hard on him and doesn't want to hear a word from him.  Well, as the mother I am having such a hard time.  It's ripping my whold family apart.  My husband and I cant say one word to each other about my son.  It's like he has no heart when it comess to him.  ANY ADVICE would be great.  Thanks, one broken hearted mom.

[Ella789]

  Hello.  I just wanted to say that as a Mother of three sons, I can honestly say that I feel for you.  My youngest is 20 yrs old, then 23, and the oldest just turned 37, whew!!  All with the same husband, married all these years!  My husband is a good, hard-working man, but he is also alot like yours in the "tough love" thing.  I, on the other hand have been the Balancer in the family.  My boys know this too, and they are glad their dad was the way he is and also they are glad that I was there to help balance things out.  I do honestly think that your son will not be well until he sees that there is nothing left,  I say this because I am currently abstaining from opiate addiction to prescription lortabs.  The only way I could quit was to see myself for what I am, an addict, prescription or not, I needed more and more to controll my "pain" .  I am currently dealing with learning to live another life that is free from opiates.  Your son CAN do this,  he just is feeling so dependent and hopeless about how to go about doing anything,  he doesn;t see anything but the need for the fix.  I hope he will seek help, somewhere.  I hope you can find peace in your heart with everything soon!!  This has to be his decision, no one can make it for him.  He's gotta want to be and stay clean.  
  My thoughts are with you.

Ella,     opiate free since Feb. 16, 2009

[matthew1989]

My son tells us all the time he loves us.  My son even still hugs my husband.  He's very loving.  But my husband feels thats all bs.  my husband recently almost ended this family with online stuff he was into and my son begged me not to give up on him.  This from the son that is treated like **** by his father.  My husband doesn't want me talking to anyone at all about any of this.  He does not want advice he's too busy blaming Matt for everything in life.  I can't even cry in front of him cause he will get more mad at Matt for being the reason.  And if he knew I was on here he would say im ruining this marriage.  I can't talk to him, family, friends not anyone and no crying or feeling sad.  He says I need to wash my hands of matt.  He says he doesn't care if he ever sees him again.  I just found out my son did lose his job.  they just called and he never showed up.  it took him 5 months to find this job now he's out of a job again.  that won't help things.  my son has been hanging with the wrong crowd for a long time even though we always told him not to.  he had done lots of different drugs.  he has stolen from us. never anything huge but still.   we did pay for his college only for him to drop out in two weeks i did pay off all of his fines a month ago so he wouldn't go to jail and now he's in trouble again.  The only reason i bailed him out was because he had gotten so deep into fines that he was never going to get them paid and he had another warrant for his arrest.  The whole court thing is from lack of showing up in court when he got a ticket for making a left turn against the traffic.  We let the state take his car we never paid his fines but from his lack of doing what he was told by the judge it just kept getting worse and worse.  So finally I said enough he's going to end up in prison over his stupidity.   yes he has not been an easy kid at all.  at times he has a mouth you would not believe and he does things that he knows will get him in trouble he just does not listen.  but none of it is enough to make me wash my hands of him.  i don't trust myself i never know if im right or wrong anymore.  the whole thing is just too much. and im a very strong person and happy but this one is killing me.  thanks for your time

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

This whole thing has nothing whatsoever to do with you being a "soft" mom. Get that correct right now. I have been accused of being a hard as$ a few times myself - make sure that hubby knows this isnt that time to get masculine and stuff. I am a Nam vet and a skin diver/sky diver and a few other endeavors that many find quite stupid. But I did learn the difference between hard core and hard head. And I never pass up a chance to tell one of my sons that I love them. I saw too many die without either being able to say that to their loved ones or hear that from them. When was the last time that your husband told Matt that he loves him? When was the last time that Matt felt comfortable telling Dad that he loved him? If you can get these things straightened out you will have a much better chance of winning this battle. 20  yr old young men dont cry to mom and ask for help for no reason at all. And from your posts it sounds like he could use some good help. Get to Al Anon and get him to NA at least. And dont wait long to try and do it. You do have a fight ahead of you = but make it with the drug culture and not your son. Has your husband been interested enough to read your post or any of the other posts on medhelp? You have to start somewhere. Remind hubby that he is the alpha male - and his son needs his father. And again - best of luck - I also have a soft spot for young men with broken hearts. Dont write him off.

[boogieman]

hi. like eagle said, pot is a take it or leave it sort of thing. at worst there may be a bit of a psychological dependency, but it is nothing compared to heroin. and if he's like myself or most every other user i ever met, once he's done heroin, pot isn't going to do it for him anymore. what is imperative for you to understand, (and this is where al-anon is crucial), is that your son has a condition that will kill him if he continues to use. at best he might just end up in prison or a mental institution. enabling him, making it easier for him to use, providing him with things that he will only use to further his addiction will only prolong the descent. the hope is that he will get sick enough of living the life of an addict that he will decide to ask for help. do not let him play the guilt trip game either. an addict is like a wounded animal backed into a corner and will say or do anything to maintain their habit. some of us resort to worse things than others, but the guilt thing is common across the board. and YES, it is his decision. your actions have nothing to do with his choices. i'm sorry that your husband is not supportive---maybe you could get him to go with you to al-anon and he will realize what this is really about. my mom and dad had to do things like change the locks and even have me committed to a psychiatric hospital during my using days. was i hurt, mad? absolutely. but today i know they did these things because they loved me enough to do them. as far as indicators of heroin or other opiate abuse, sedation, nausea at onset, itching, pupil dilation and loss of consciousness are typical. heroin can be injected, snorted or smoked. i'm not a big fan of drug tests (because of inaccuracies) but a consumer grade urine test given under controlled circumstances (unannounced and observed) can be a useful compliance tool. i'm going to send a couple of links via private message that may help.   gm

[matthew1989]

my son has a broken heart as well but my husband can't see that.  and when i try to tell him anything he just blames me for all that is wrong with matt.  says it's because of my soft heart that my son feels he can do anything.  my son has lived here for at least 6 months now and doesn't ask for money or clothes or anything from us.  my husband had made him live in the car on and off for not coming home on time or not doing what hes told.  like i said my husband is a hard *** with matt big time.  my son has begged us to move.  but we just cant.  i really believe my son wants help.  hes cried to me asking for it but my husband insist that he is just playing me.  i just don't even trust my own feelings anymore.  can i be so wrong?  sorry to bother you its just so hard to tell family members when you think your son is on heroin cause in the back of my mind im thinking maybe he's not just maybe.  and than my family well i only have one sister thats it but i don't want her thinking hes a bad person.  hes such a sweet person.  he ask us for nothing!  and now i can't even give him a roof to live under.  

[matthew1989]

Can I be wrong?  I want to be wrong.  Even my husband never thought it was anything other than pot smoking every once in a while.  I need to know if he could be on heroin and I just not know it.  What do you act like while on heroin?  And I don't understand how being so cold is suppose to help him.  Won't he just end up on the street?  When he left here he said well give me a hug mom cause im going to go do heroin now and end up dead in a ditch.  How am I being a good mother by saying ok well matt that will be your decision.  I just told him I can't have someone on drugs around kids who love him so much having to deal with this any longer.  I'm freaking dying here with NO ONE to talk to cause my husband just doesn't want to hear a thing.  What if my actions kill my kid?