Is my son a heroin addict?

[matthew1989]

I know little about drug addiction just the stuff I've read here on the computer.  My son is now 19 almost 20.  Since highschool he's had a problem with addiction.  Around 6 months ago he moved back home after a hard life of drug use living with drug users.   He really wanted to go to college and I wanted to give him a chance.  So I signed him up and he attended for maybe a week or two than withdrew.  Had been out of work for months finally finds a job that I believe he may have loss yesterday on his 5th day.  My husband and I went away for 2 days and come back to find him sick.  Throwing up,pupils so tiny I could bearly see them and having a hard time even walking.  I've seen this before maybe twice and he's always swore he was sick from eating something bad.  My question is is this throwing up and sickness from withdrawal or from just coming down off of the drug?  He's really been trying the past few weeks.  He's with us all the time.  I don't see signs of what I would think to look for in a heroin addict.  But than again I don't know what to look for.  Why the sickness only some of the time?  I've seen it like a total of three times.  But I also know that he lies pretty much non stop.  I tried to tell myself he has had no money so how can he be doing drugs but than again I just don't know.  Today when he got home looking a little better I got my keys and said lets go take a drug test. First he said ok than he finally said " fine I was coming down off of heroin." So I than told him to get off of our property until he's ready for help.  I have three other young boys here and we have just been through so much else in front of them.  He"s really a sweet hearted kid.  Two weeks ago he begged for help told us we should move.  He was saying he was addicted to pot.  So thats when we said ok we can't move but no more going to friends.  We tried to watch him but prove to be impossible.  My husband is extremely hard on him and doesn't want to hear a word from him.  Well, as the mother I am having such a hard time.  It's ripping my whold family apart.  My husband and I cant say one word to each other about my son.  It's like he has no heart when it comess to him.  ANY ADVICE would be great.  Thanks, one broken hearted mom.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

This whole thing has nothing whatsoever to do with you being a "soft" mom. Get that correct right now. I have been accused of being a hard as$ a few times myself - make sure that hubby knows this isnt that time to get masculine and stuff. I am a Nam vet and a skin diver/sky diver and a few other endeavors that many find quite stupid. But I did learn the difference between hard core and hard head. And I never pass up a chance to tell one of my sons that I love them. I saw too many die without either being able to say that to their loved ones or hear that from them. When was the last time that your husband told Matt that he loves him? When was the last time that Matt felt comfortable telling Dad that he loved him? If you can get these things straightened out you will have a much better chance of winning this battle. 20  yr old young men dont cry to mom and ask for help for no reason at all. And from your posts it sounds like he could use some good help. Get to Al Anon and get him to NA at least. And dont wait long to try and do it. You do have a fight ahead of you = but make it with the drug culture and not your son. Has your husband been interested enough to read your post or any of the other posts on medhelp? You have to start somewhere. Remind hubby that he is the alpha male - and his son needs his father. And again - best of luck - I also have a soft spot for young men with broken hearts. Dont write him off.

[matthew1989]

My son tells us all the time he loves us.  My son even still hugs my husband.  He's very loving.  But my husband feels thats all bs.  my husband recently almost ended this family with online stuff he was into and my son begged me not to give up on him.  This from the son that is treated like **** by his father.  My husband doesn't want me talking to anyone at all about any of this.  He does not want advice he's too busy blaming Matt for everything in life.  I can't even cry in front of him cause he will get more mad at Matt for being the reason.  And if he knew I was on here he would say im ruining this marriage.  I can't talk to him, family, friends not anyone and no crying or feeling sad.  He says I need to wash my hands of matt.  He says he doesn't care if he ever sees him again.  I just found out my son did lose his job.  they just called and he never showed up.  it took him 5 months to find this job now he's out of a job again.  that won't help things.  my son has been hanging with the wrong crowd for a long time even though we always told him not to.  he had done lots of different drugs.  he has stolen from us. never anything huge but still.   we did pay for his college only for him to drop out in two weeks i did pay off all of his fines a month ago so he wouldn't go to jail and now he's in trouble again.  The only reason i bailed him out was because he had gotten so deep into fines that he was never going to get them paid and he had another warrant for his arrest.  The whole court thing is from lack of showing up in court when he got a ticket for making a left turn against the traffic.  We let the state take his car we never paid his fines but from his lack of doing what he was told by the judge it just kept getting worse and worse.  So finally I said enough he's going to end up in prison over his stupidity.   yes he has not been an easy kid at all.  at times he has a mouth you would not believe and he does things that he knows will get him in trouble he just does not listen.  but none of it is enough to make me wash my hands of him.  i don't trust myself i never know if im right or wrong anymore.  the whole thing is just too much. and im a very strong person and happy but this one is killing me.  thanks for your time

[Ella789]

  Hello.  I just wanted to say that as a Mother of three sons, I can honestly say that I feel for you.  My youngest is 20 yrs old, then 23, and the oldest just turned 37, whew!!  All with the same husband, married all these years!  My husband is a good, hard-working man, but he is also alot like yours in the "tough love" thing.  I, on the other hand have been the Balancer in the family.  My boys know this too, and they are glad their dad was the way he is and also they are glad that I was there to help balance things out.  I do honestly think that your son will not be well until he sees that there is nothing left,  I say this because I am currently abstaining from opiate addiction to prescription lortabs.  The only way I could quit was to see myself for what I am, an addict, prescription or not, I needed more and more to controll my "pain" .  I am currently dealing with learning to live another life that is free from opiates.  Your son CAN do this,  he just is feeling so dependent and hopeless about how to go about doing anything,  he doesn;t see anything but the need for the fix.  I hope he will seek help, somewhere.  I hope you can find peace in your heart with everything soon!!  This has to be his decision, no one can make it for him.  He's gotta want to be and stay clean.  
  My thoughts are with you.

Ella,     opiate free since Feb. 16, 2009

[matthew1989]

First of all thanks for the kind words.  I'm kinda losing my mind here feeling like im close to losing my son.  Than i think about what his brothers are seeing and i know they have had enough.  but i feel like im sacrificing one for the others.  ive been with my husband since i was 14 hes the love of my life and last year broke my heart big time.  i lost my parents when i was 25 and 26 and compared to this those things were nothing.  i know i wasn't at fault for any of those things.  how do you not feel like it's your fault when its your kid?  you raised him!  while he was on our insurance i should have got him into rehab.  its not like we didn't see he had a problem with addiction.  hes had horrible things happen to him because he was too messed up to do anything about it.  i should have done something more than talk to him.  when he told me he didnt need help i always said ok ill let you do it your way.  What the heck that was not being a parent!  he even tried to kill himself at 14  and yes we went and talked to people for a while but when he would say this isnt' helping i would say ok than we don't have to go back.  hes the first of our four boys and i feel so horrible about being such great parents to my other boys but matt got short changed cause we were young and stupid.thats not fair!  and my son is always telling me mom you guys are great with my brothers but boy u guys really messed me up.  we were only 18 when he was born and had no clue what to do.  we have never had family we have always been on our own.  we were so busy working and building our lives that he got short changed.  at 18 i didn't have the understanding that i have had with the other three.  and never anyone to ask.  my husband believes he always had a house food everything he needed and that should have been enough.  sorry venting causes i don't know what else to do anymore.  thanks for the ear and the thoughts!  dawn

[10356]

Good morning matthew1989..
I'm very sorry to read of your pain and frustration.. I'm also very sorry to read of your sons desperation when asking you to move.. I also understand that we just can not pack up a family and move like that.. I was wondering if you have any relatives that live out of state or even out of town.. as a former junkie myself I recognize the plea to move as with most of us.. we had to move from the town we were using in.. as junkies the only peps we know are other junkies and dealers as most had given up on us that were in any position to help.. I understand your heartbreak at having to remove your son from your property as it is important to protect the younger ones and keep some kind of harmony in the family.. You are really between a rock and a hard place.. please do not be sorry for venting here.. this is what we all do.. is help anyone effected by addiction.. addiction is not a character flaw nor is it a weakness.. it is a disease not caused by your actions our your husbands.. although it would help your husband tremendously if he eased up and realized as with any other disease it has symptoms.. unfortunately the symptoms are what you describe.. You son is redeemable and I bet he is wonderful young man.. loving and cares for his family.. these you instilled in him and are still there.. You are not killing you son.. you are trying to give him a chance to hit bottom so he can find his desire.. Support is very important and being in a home when dad is so hurt and angry himself is not conducive to support and getting clean.. I know alanon has been suggested to you but I would also suggest family counseling as you have other kids who are also going to grow up and make decisions.. as for matt.. all you can do really.. is tell him you love him.. you miss him.. and when he is ready to get serious about getting clean.. you will be there for him.. we really do have to fall to the bottom to pick ourselves up.. living the life of a junkie is very taxing on our emotions health and energy.. we all reach a point where we know we can not go on..I just hope he finds his soon.. warmly lesa

[cattalina]

The emotional turmoil you are in is absolutely breaking my heart. I'm a recovering heroin addict and I can tell you that my story and your/son's story are identical. I was your son at one point in time and to a maximum degree. I'd like to comment just on you for one second tho. Please find an Al-Anon meeting and find one soon. Addiction is a family disease it affects more than just the abuser. Since you are in a position where you can't really discuss this with anyone, those meetings would help you as well. You'll learn a bit more about addiction by being around people who have gone thru or are going thru what you are going thru. Now as far as your son... it's pretty safe to assume he's using something. It is not your fault that he is an addict. Many factors play into what end up driving an addiction, but it is still nobody's fault. And as far as people saying it doesn't matter what you say/do until he's ready... I believe that's only partially true. Yes your son needs to want a change but sometimes situations come about where we as the addict, say hey - yea that person is right, and decide we actually do want a change for ourselves. Everyone is different and everyone gets this their own way - no way is right or wrong. All I can tell you is my own personal experience and after years of my mother helping me fight my battles, helping lessen the extent of trouble I got into, and generally playing the addiction game with me... the day she stopped and said no I won't play, is when I stopped using heroin. (it was actually everyone I loved that told me no) It will be 2 years this Friday which is a real miracle, you can trust and believe that!! Now I'm not saying that will work for your son cuz everyone has to hit their own point of revelation like Lesa said - but like I said above sometimes it does matter what the people closest to us say and do. Rome wasn't built in a day - this is a long process no matter what so the best advice I can give you as a woman, mother and person is to help yourself. Get to a meeting, get into counseling, hit the gym, call a friend, whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. If you lose sight of who you are to drown in your son's addiction, well, that won't help anyone! Keep posting ~ Catt