so depressed, i hate this addiction

[smartgirlbadecisions]

i am having such bad depression. i have been using a little bit here and there. nothing like i was before but whats the difference? someone told me im not ready. well how the hell do you become ready? i want it so bad but i just feel like i have lost everything and i have so little left. i know thats not true but i just feel so helpless and depressed and ashamed. im sure a lot of u can relate. i am around pills because i am too scared to move far away. i feel like i am going crazy!!!!!!!!!

[smartgirlbadecisions]

you think i am just here for validation? you know its really nice of you to be here on this forum and giving people advice but to just write me off because i havent quit yet is actually kinda messed up of you. i dont really need to hear about how you dont think i am trying. thanks a lot for your confidence

[kyle505]

Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Posting here is easy. It takes no effort. In my opinion, you're not trying; you are looking for some sort of validation from the caring people on this site.
You know that I'm in your corner- we've private messaged, I sent one recently because you dropped off the forum. I spent hours encouraging you and offering what advice I could. But nothing has changed - you're doing nothing different and don't really seem to be trying.  Sorry; just my take on things.
My heart goes out to you.

[smartgirlbadecisions]

i picked up my guitar again about a week ago. i learned three new songs and so that has been my saving grace. i think i listen to really emotional music which does not seem to help my problem but at least i am not using wvery day but when i feel weak i do use.... i will snort a pill (i know, really sexy huh) and i feel better......for about five minutes and then i feel extreme guilt. i need to just stop. i am still seeing my therapist every thursday but i dont know if i like him.... he kinda talks more than i do in my session... should i look for a new one?? what should i do? i have not found an NA meeting that i liked yet.. but still trying.. lord knows i am still trying or i wouldnt be here posting :(

[Ladyluck8]

Hi,
Your really strong. I think its brave how honest you are. In my experience when I was a tapering off the opiates or a low dose user it was the worst. This dark cloud just settled in. Like the fog rolling into San Francisco. OMG...it was f*)&ing Scary.
The really bright side of this is that your here and you keep coming back. Your so young...I really think you can kick this and get yourself back.
Us old folks kinda have to hope the brain chemistry comes back.
The things that have helped are the vitamins and amino acids plus a lot of exercise. Music and dancing are good ones too.
Positive thoughts only to you.
L

[Bkitty]

The cycle of addiction and the havoc that it creates on your brain is viscious. You are dabbling here and there with the pills you said. Keep in mind that the pills affect the chemicals in your brain. The pills in a sense produce the "feel good" chemicals allowing your brain to quit making them on your own. So if you stop completely it takes a few weeks for your brain to kick in and start producing those chemicals on its own again. If you take some pills here and there and not as many as before-the chemistry in the brain is all f-cked up. It doesnt know if it should produce the chemicals or are you going to let the pills do it.
How do you know if you are ready? Well that has to come from inside you. Deep within you. We all get to the point where this addiction has turned our lives inside and out upside down. So you start contemplating ending the addiction. But you just cant let it go. Only when you truely surrender and are finished you will stop. Surrendering to the power of this addiction was a real intimate moment in my life, it was also very humbling. But this takes work. Its not something that just goes away when you stop taking the pills. Its a lifestyle change. Changing friends, habits everything has to change. When you are ready-you will know when and what to do. Keep searching within you and find that will. Its deep in there but as long as you keep feeding this addiction pills here and there you only supress it. Its in you, its in all of us. You just have to look deep deep within your soul. Dont give up! (((hugs)))~Bkitty

[stilltrying1965]

Depression ashamed is all part of our addiction. You must make the decision to stop or not you would not be here if you did not want to stop. First keep away from the pills, you also have to change by that i mean ppl friends who use pills You can stop if you realy want to. i am a heroin addict 627 days clean, so you can do it if you want to bad enough. You will also need counciling Thats only my opinion you can do this. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do.Good luck,,,,,,,James