Seeking encouragement on my journey to FREEDOM - tapering from Suboxone AGAIN

[KLB84]

I am in the process of tapering from Suboxone long-term use. I'm down to almost 1 mg. I've done this before but got scared when it came time to jump and made a bad decision to get some short lasting opiates to help thru the bad parts then got back on Suboxone and spent the last four years maintaining. But a lot has happened since then: a divorce from an abusive husband, moving to another state, finishing College, buying a house and getting a good job. I feel beyond ready now. Just tired of this monkey on my back. After reading my previous posts from 4 years ago I was discouraged to see how close I was to being free when I messed up and reading other people's posts about the horrors of Suboxone was also discouraging. No wonder I was so scared to jump! so I'm moving forward! No one in my life knows except my doctor so I thought it was time to join the community again. I felt good yesterday I took about 1.2 mg. today I've only taken 1 mg and I'm feeling pretty rough. I've been taking 1/3 of a 4mg strip, so 1.33 mg for about a month but it seems like the lower my dose gets the harder each taper is. From what I read this is normal I'm starting to try to work out and I've also started taking a nutritional supplement full of vitamins including B vitamins to help with the energy because that seems to be one of the worst things. I also had my doctor write me a prescription for Gabapentin (a low dose) which I know helped me tremendously before with restless legs. For the last few days trying to get down to 1 mg I feel my anxiety increasing. I'm not really hurting bad but I feel like I'm getting the flu. My life is pretty stable right now emotionally and spiritually so I feel like it's a good time to get off - that and I just hate being on this medication that has such a horrible stigma, that I have to keep hidden and that I'm bound by. I guess the one bad thing is I work a professional job and cannot skip work. I have to go (and perform well) even when I don't feel like it. Also this time around I've been on it almost 5 years  not just one like last time. So anyway, encouragement is welcome.  And if you have any insight into what may help with the flu like symptoms. I've read a lot and been through it once but your input and encouragement are still very welcome to me.

[februarystars]

Hello! I just finished a successful suboxone taper, and I wanted to lend my support. It's going to be a roller coaster ride ahead of you girl. Your emotions are still being numbed from the subs.....there still an opiate. Your sleep is going to be inconsistent for a little while, and you may experience med-mild symptoms, depending how fast you taper. I agree with the other posters that you'll need support. I've learned that I couldn't get clean on my own, and I needed a boat load of support to help me. Today I've got 126 days, which I NEVER thought was possible. I also took Gabapentin which helped with anxiety and pain thru detox, however I was on a much higher dose than you. Salmon Oil also helped me sleep. 2 hours were better then none! Reach out girl, ask for help, don't be so self reliant. You're fighting the devil, alone. Suggestion: Could you take a "sick" leave from work for a few weeks instead of pushing yourself so much and not focusing on your recovery? Addiction is a disease!!! I'm here for you.....Experience, Strength, and Hope,,,,,were in this together! It works, if you work it!
-FS

[motye51]

I'm loving this post februarystars....keep coming back!  You are totally on the right path.

[KLB84]

I do have some vacation time at work built up, I'm just trying not to use it unless absolutely necessary because I don't know what the next few months hold. Also, if I took off more than a week at a time, I would most certainly lose my job.  I feel I have support - my doctor, my family, my boyfriend, my church small group, medhelp; They none know I'm on suboxone currently (except medhelp, my dr. and POSSIBLY my sister because she's a pharmacist though I'm not certain if she has access to my records or not??) but they are a great support system because they know of my past addictions, love me, pray for me and are there to talk when I need them. If this really isn't enough I WILL go to NA/AA meetings. I'm not opposed to that at all. I went to one but I'll admit I felt a little guilty because I'm still on suboxone... all your support and advice is appreciated! Please give me constructive criticism if I say something you think is not leading to recovery. PS. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[hmf099]

Hi there! Congrats on your decision to get off Suboxone. It's so difficult for many of us. I jumped off it butback on other drugs until I decided to get help in 2014 and get abstinent from all of it. I have to agree with dominosarah that secrets keep us sick, we need support. NA/AA, Refuge Recovery, Lifering, Smart Recovery, the recovery community is HUGE! Many of us are professionals, myself included, but for the past 3+ years I've made time for my recovery, I know it saves me from the torture I used to live in. I hope you check it out. Keep us posted on how you're doing. The withdrawal is hard, any PTO for when you're down to nothing? Vitamins, activity, healthy food, and hot baths help a bit. You can do this!

[KLB84]

I do have some PTO at work built up, I'm just trying not to use it unless absolutely necessary because I don't know what the next few months hold.  I have upped my vitamins and started working out (not as much as I should but better than nothing).  I know everyone I've talked to who has overcome this recommends these things. Please check out my most recent post here to see my progress. I'm down to ONE MILLIGRAM stably which I'm super excited about. As for support... I feel I have support: my doctor, my family, my boyfriend, my church small group, medhelp; They none know I'm on suboxone currently (except medhelp, my dr. and POSSIBLY my sister because she's a pharmacist though I'm not certain if she has access to my records or not??) but they are a great support system because they know of my past addictions, love me, pray for me and are there to talk when I need them. If this really isn't enough I WILL go to NA/AA meetings. I'm not opposed to that at all. I went to one but I'll admit I felt a little guilty because I'm still on suboxone... all your support and advice is appreciated! Please give me constructive criticism if I say something you think is not leading to recovery. PS. CONGRATULATIONS!!! I know that freedom feels like. I felt it once, for 6 years - just gotta get there again!!

[KLB84]

what* not that freedom feels like

[KLB84]

Hello! and thank you for you posts! I am now down to ONE MILLIGRAM and feeling stable! I went from 1.33 mg to 1 mg this taper. I know that doesn't sound like much but I do believe the lower you get, the harder it gets. But I did it! It was two weeks of feeling like crap (more irritable, spacy and anxious than anything) and now one week feeling stable, so I think that one more week and I'll be ready to taper again. HOW EXCITING! I'm SOOOOO READY! I feel like it's good to have a few good weeks to get my strength back up and feel stable and strong before tapering again. I saw my dr. yesterday and he thinks I'm doing good which makes me feel good and the other good news is, he is continuing to let me do this at my pace! I'm so thankful for that. So far I haven't HAD to take time off work, but yes my sobriety is extremely important to me and I will if I have to. I feel lucky and blessed I haven't had to so far. Slowly but surely!! Some more good news: my BF and I were watching a movie and someone in it had a drug problem - he asked me if it bothered me, I said no, because it really didn't - it wasn't showing it in detail or anything (and even if it did, it makes me more sick/nauseous/disgusted than anything.) ANYWAY, he said "well I just want you to know that if you ever have an issue again, I want you to know you can talk to me." I know to most people that doesn't sound like much but for me that meant the WORLD. After being with an abusive husband who only cared about himself and how I would effect him, and who beat me when he found out I slipped I'm just Soooooo relieved that I have a boyfriend and bestfriend I can seriously talk to and I do believe that from the bottom of my heart. I haven't told him my most recent struggles yet (that I'm tapering off suboxone - b/c we started dating again a year ago after I was already steady and stable 4 years on Suboxone), but I will. I promise. This next taper may call for it. I hated being irritable with him for those few days last time and him not understanding why or doing anything wrong. OMGOSH I can't wait to be done with this! My goal was to be done by Jan. 1st. but this last taper was harder than I thought it would be so even if I don't meet that goal I'm ok with it. I would rather be slow and steady than rush the process and it not go well.
So, friends, the process keeps going and please keep posting. Your encouragement and advice is much appreciated. THANK YOU!  

[jifmoc]

Hi, it's obvious how excited and relieved you are about your taper. It's great that you went to a meeting. No need to feel guilty about subs. You are trying to get off them. As they say in the program "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using."

I would say get completely honest w/ your bf now. Not next week. Now. We addicts are the kings and queen of good intentions. And honestly, again, everyone I know w/ long term sobriety, whether on here or in "real" life is committed to a recovery program. I wish a few supportive friends and relatives were enough but it isn't. We have to do the work.We have to dig in and fix the stuff that drove us to using in the first place.

Keep going and keep posting.

[KLB84]

Im tapering very slowly, so, so far the worst symptom is irritabilty! It's awful and there's absolutely nothing I can take for it (that I know of) even if I were willing to take something addictive like Valium (which I'm not trying to do and I don't think the doctor would prescribe it anyway) I'm too tired to take anything like that so I just have to remember to take my Paxil everyday! I just went from 1 to .8 (1/8 + 1/12) or 1/6 a day - which I know sounds strange but it's the best way I knew how to get down to .66 (1/12 + 1/12 a day). Then plan on .5 (1/8) then .33 (1/12) then .25 (1/16) then 0. That's the plan. Even though I know some people are going to say I should be able to go down .25 at a time it's just harder and I'm still working so this is what seems to be working for me...to go down about .16 each time but only for a week or two.

[KLB84]

Just want to stay in bed today.