Tramadol is going to kill me

[RainingConfusion]

I have to stop this. I am a chronic pain patient. Have access to anything from morphine, percocet, most recently Belladonna/Opium and pure oxycodone. nothing I take compares to my drug of choice for the past 3 years.. that evil little white pill, Tramadol

I am not a " high" type person. never enjoyed the stoned feeling. I have extreme lethargy from several chronic diseases and when I found this little speed pill that gave me super energy and feeling like a normal person again , I was hooked.  I was able to get out of bed and have strength, clean my house , go out with my kids, be a normal mom again.

So here I am now , and have been for awhile now, desperately trying to make it until my next script, doctor shopping, E.R. visits just for the purpose of getting more tramadol because my pain managment doctor would cut me off if they knew id taken 150 tablets in a week ... Thats my usual now...  its always been 4 at a time , at least 12 per day,  but for the past year its usually 15-20 per day.  

Ive tried to w/d on my own... its literal hell and I cannot take it. Ive used other drugs to replace tramadol ( vicodin, norco etc)  and ive sucessfully done it , but I always go back to tramadol, only because of the energy it gives me.  If I didnt suffer from debilitating fatigue, I wouldnt have ever started this junk. All I wanted  was to be pain free and have a normal energy level. I once had ambition, I could do anything, Now , there are only 3 magic words I wait to hear, " your prescriptions ready"

Ive conned so many doctors, pharmacies, some at the same time... anything to get that pill that controls my life. Im so tired of being slave to a drug that is destroying my body.  its exhausting...  literally scared to look at my bottle, in case its getting low... then the anxiety sets in ," ok I have to start figuring out how to get another script before that runs out."  Im running out of options....  and Im just TIRED.

and to top it all off , last week, I swore I would stop again ... BUT I NEED energy, because I DO suffer from chronic fatigue and I conned some Adderall....  I took the whole bottle of 40 in 3 days.

Thats when I realize , nothing is going to work , because , I AM AN ADDICT. thats the reality. I think it really set it when I was researching on google "  how to call in your own prescriptions" AND I almost went through with it. If I had I probably would have been arrested.

So the question----   HOW do I stop this? Ive been trying to drag myself to the rehab clinic for methadone/suboxone.... I cant be chained to a methadone clinic... just wont work for me . and im scared that subuxone wont give me the energy I need. SO im literally terrified that I will move onto adderall , no matter if I do manage to quit the tram....

I need help

[Cricketk92]

Hi and Welcome!  Isnt it amazing how many people can relate to your story!!!  My drug of choice wasnt tramadol but I can relate to all the other addict behaviors you posted about!  Detox isnt easy and with all your medical issues it will really S**K!  But getting off of them is so much better than ending up in jail or dead!!!  If you can get into treatment that would be such a great option for you!  You just need to find a way to get off the trams without effecting all your other meds and medical problems!  We are all here for you and will help however we can!!!  Keep on posting!!

[RainingConfusion]

So I'm fighting nausea and a feeling that I know all to well.  I feel like I'm about to freak out. Anxiety is miserable.  I called the only treatment center around and they said it will be 2 weeks before I could start if I want methadone , their suboxone program is full. Anxiety is even worse now  because I was expecting to be able to go there in the morning and get help      I feel like crawling to the ER    

[jugglin]

Welcome to MH....lots of compassionate, supportive, knowledgeable folks here.  First and foremost, we need to cut our sources when we are ready to be clean.  For you, this is a long, honest, open discussion with your Dr.  Your Dr. knows your medical history and can work with you figuring out non-addictive meds to help with your illness's.  Your Dr may also be able to refer you to an in-patient program.  The qty of pills you are taking is pretty high...I had to reread those amounts.  Quitting CT is gonna be really rough.  IMO, you need to talk to your Dr asap....if you are truly wanting to get clean and break your chains of addiction and get off the roller-coaster ride of pill chasing, then the last thing you need to be worried about is your pain management Dr cutting you off by finding out you are abusing.  
Somebody with your medical history should talk to your Dr.
Wishing you the very best and sending you prayers!
Keep posting for support. You can do this.:)

[jifmoc]

No methadone, no no no!!!! Go back and read some of the others histories like Weaver and Gnarly. From everything I've read, getting off methadone is yet the NEXT drug to get off and that one is a b*tch. Besides, that's just using another substance to fix a substance problem. The problem has nothing to do w/ the pills we chose. It's our addict brains and why we can't live in reality.

Anxiety is very very common during detox. That crawling out of your skin feeling, very typical of detox. HOT bathes. Many of them. And please don't use lopermide for detox. Peeps become addicted to that. And that can do some major internal damage sooner rather than later.

Keep posting. Keep doing what you are doing.

[RainingConfusion]

I could make it without pain meds ...  There are good meds that treat pain like I have.  Lyrica ... Muscle relaxers ..  All kinds of antidepressants help pain...  I know that...  

I'm committed to getting off this ride.  The constant struggle and one track mind.  Everything else has to wait until I can secure my pills ... We go on vacation... And everyone is having fun , and Im distracted ....  constantly calling my Dr to make sure he's called in my script...  Its like I have to put ALL our lives on hold whole im waiting on doctors.  My life stops   because I feel that I cannot function until I have the pills.   I've spent hours at the ER while my family waits at home for whatever... Dinner ... Help with homework... Things like that.  Then I end up angry at myself because I've wasted time...  Especially when I have wasted hours and  end up with a Dr that gives me 20 tablets with no refills ...

I'm just thinking out loud here... Remembering all the dumb Sh*t I've done.

I feel like I'll never make it without the pills...  I know that's contradictory to what I am saying I want ...  I'm full of conflict right now.

The real me says its over .. I'm done with it ...  The other "me I've allowed the drugs to create says ha yeah right , never gonna happen.  

[msdelight]

I haven't read the other responses but I have a feeling you would benefit more from ssri therapy like lexapro to replace the tram much more than meth, adderal or subs. These aforementioned drugs are elephants compared to the way less powerful tramadol. The problem with trams is that for reasons unknown, it acts upon seratonin receptors of the brain as well as the the opiate receptors.  Its also long acting. That means it has an antidepressant affect as well as a long half life opiate effect.  CT will be longer and include significant depression from the withdrawal of the AD component. Taper with the help of the prescriber, and get on an ssri like lexapro as well as nsaids like motrin. Take it slow.