Tramadol is going to kill me

[RainingConfusion]

I have to stop this. I am a chronic pain patient. Have access to anything from morphine, percocet, most recently Belladonna/Opium and pure oxycodone. nothing I take compares to my drug of choice for the past 3 years.. that evil little white pill, Tramadol

I am not a " high" type person. never enjoyed the stoned feeling. I have extreme lethargy from several chronic diseases and when I found this little speed pill that gave me super energy and feeling like a normal person again , I was hooked.  I was able to get out of bed and have strength, clean my house , go out with my kids, be a normal mom again.

So here I am now , and have been for awhile now, desperately trying to make it until my next script, doctor shopping, E.R. visits just for the purpose of getting more tramadol because my pain managment doctor would cut me off if they knew id taken 150 tablets in a week ... Thats my usual now...  its always been 4 at a time , at least 12 per day,  but for the past year its usually 15-20 per day.  

Ive tried to w/d on my own... its literal hell and I cannot take it. Ive used other drugs to replace tramadol ( vicodin, norco etc)  and ive sucessfully done it , but I always go back to tramadol, only because of the energy it gives me.  If I didnt suffer from debilitating fatigue, I wouldnt have ever started this junk. All I wanted  was to be pain free and have a normal energy level. I once had ambition, I could do anything, Now , there are only 3 magic words I wait to hear, " your prescriptions ready"

Ive conned so many doctors, pharmacies, some at the same time... anything to get that pill that controls my life. Im so tired of being slave to a drug that is destroying my body.  its exhausting...  literally scared to look at my bottle, in case its getting low... then the anxiety sets in ," ok I have to start figuring out how to get another script before that runs out."  Im running out of options....  and Im just TIRED.

and to top it all off , last week, I swore I would stop again ... BUT I NEED energy, because I DO suffer from chronic fatigue and I conned some Adderall....  I took the whole bottle of 40 in 3 days.

Thats when I realize , nothing is going to work , because , I AM AN ADDICT. thats the reality. I think it really set it when I was researching on google "  how to call in your own prescriptions" AND I almost went through with it. If I had I probably would have been arrested.

So the question----   HOW do I stop this? Ive been trying to drag myself to the rehab clinic for methadone/suboxone.... I cant be chained to a methadone clinic... just wont work for me . and im scared that subuxone wont give me the energy I need. SO im literally terrified that I will move onto adderall , no matter if I do manage to quit the tram....

I need help

[RainingConfusion]

I AM kinda proud of myself because normally I would have just gone to the ER and gotten a paper script when the other failed...  And I'm NOT going.  

Somehow that gives me strength ... Its like , even though I failed , I really didn't fail as bad as I could have..  If that makes sense . and I'm figuring out quick that this mental addiction is WAY worse than I thought .  the only thought that gives me comfort right now is that if I really wanted it , its still within  reach ... Its hard to explain...  Almost like a security blanket..  Its still there, and IF I really wanted to , I could get it. Some how that thought makes me feel relieved..  

Strange eh?

[RainingConfusion]

Wow its been a hell of a day...

Woke up feeling OK.  Then it hit hard.  I had to take a FEW lopermide. Normally I take At least 50 mg just to get by. But I took 10mg or I would have freaked out

Most of the day spent wasted...  House is a mess. Kids need things .. Appointments missed ... Phone calls unreturned.. I've been worthless all day...  

I had enough and had a weak moment ..  

I called one of my doctors after hours and was able to get a script of 30 tramadol called in to Walgreens  

Soon as I hung up the phone , I realized I'd just messed up BIG time.  I gave the doctor the wrong pharmacy info.

Walgreens has my health insurance on file. And its WAY to soon for a refill.
So I immediately called the the store and (stop me if youve heard this one) told the pharmacist that I can't get there before they close for the night so please don't run my either of my recently called in scripts ( I always add an innocent non narcotic drug to the mix to be filled at the same time) I told the pharmacist at Walgreens that I wanted to switch to the 24 hour store and would have them call...

Of course , she said...  

So who do I immediately call to transfer the script? Not the 24 hour Walgreens like I said ( or insinuated rather)

...  But the 24 hour CVS across town... The one that doesn't know I have insurance...  

So as I'm holding my breath during the dreaded 20 minutes it takes to have one pharmacy call the other , when I know I'm in the clear.... Then the phone rings. I knew who it was without even looking and I sent it straight to vmail

It was the CVS pharmaciat letting me know that the tram can not be filled until February 15th    

I got so angry for a few minutes...  How dare that woman tell CVS that I had it filled on my insurance at Walgreens and its to soon to be filled again.

So after I stopped shaking , I got in my car ,and drove to Wendy's and got a milkshake lol

Then after driving around crying and freaking out , I went to the pharmacy... Picked up my regular Valium script ( that I hate) and took 10mgs before I left the store.  Then drove around in the snow, radio blasting , until it kicked in.

I'm home now... Had to laugh at myself.

What an idiotic thing to do ...  When you're caught up in the moment , its hard to not start grasping at straws. But , I guess the only straw I will get tonight is the one in my milkshake :)

I'm looking at rehab now on the computer. My options are very limited because of my insurance, and no way I could go inpatient so that's out.

Thank you all again for being here and giving me an outlet.

[Bigdaddy1313]

Rain, I read your posts and a few of the others. IMO please don't try to detox on your own. You are on so many meds you need to be properly detoxed by a doctor whose also an addiction specialist. The support you get going into a detox center can be very helpful. I went into a detox center and was there 5 or 6 days. They had me going to group counseling all day long and that is where I really began to learn about the dieses of addiction. I was dumbfounded when I went to a class that showed what pain meds actually do to your brain. Addiction re-wires part of your brain that keep you in a viscous cycle of addiction and makes it harder than heck to get straight. Anyway I just wanted to encourage you to get professional help. Also please don't start taking Adderall. I was in a class once with a guy who learned how to make his own prescriptions for Adderall and he was filling 10 prescriptions a month for himself. I have no idea how he got away with it but it finally caught up with him and he made a mistake with the DEA codes and came home one night with three cop cars parked in front of his house. He had legal problems up the butt after that. I wish you the best and God Bless you and all my other brothers and sisters out there in the Land of Sobriety.

[msdelight]

I haven't read the other responses but I have a feeling you would benefit more from ssri therapy like lexapro to replace the tram much more than meth, adderal or subs. These aforementioned drugs are elephants compared to the way less powerful tramadol. The problem with trams is that for reasons unknown, it acts upon seratonin receptors of the brain as well as the the opiate receptors.  Its also long acting. That means it has an antidepressant affect as well as a long half life opiate effect.  CT will be longer and include significant depression from the withdrawal of the AD component. Taper with the help of the prescriber, and get on an ssri like lexapro as well as nsaids like motrin. Take it slow.  

[RainingConfusion]

I could make it without pain meds ...  There are good meds that treat pain like I have.  Lyrica ... Muscle relaxers ..  All kinds of antidepressants help pain...  I know that...  

I'm committed to getting off this ride.  The constant struggle and one track mind.  Everything else has to wait until I can secure my pills ... We go on vacation... And everyone is having fun , and Im distracted ....  constantly calling my Dr to make sure he's called in my script...  Its like I have to put ALL our lives on hold whole im waiting on doctors.  My life stops   because I feel that I cannot function until I have the pills.   I've spent hours at the ER while my family waits at home for whatever... Dinner ... Help with homework... Things like that.  Then I end up angry at myself because I've wasted time...  Especially when I have wasted hours and  end up with a Dr that gives me 20 tablets with no refills ...

I'm just thinking out loud here... Remembering all the dumb Sh*t I've done.

I feel like I'll never make it without the pills...  I know that's contradictory to what I am saying I want ...  I'm full of conflict right now.

The real me says its over .. I'm done with it ...  The other "me I've allowed the drugs to create says ha yeah right , never gonna happen.  

[jifmoc]

No methadone, no no no!!!! Go back and read some of the others histories like Weaver and Gnarly. From everything I've read, getting off methadone is yet the NEXT drug to get off and that one is a b*tch. Besides, that's just using another substance to fix a substance problem. The problem has nothing to do w/ the pills we chose. It's our addict brains and why we can't live in reality.

Anxiety is very very common during detox. That crawling out of your skin feeling, very typical of detox. HOT bathes. Many of them. And please don't use lopermide for detox. Peeps become addicted to that. And that can do some major internal damage sooner rather than later.

Keep posting. Keep doing what you are doing.