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Trying to understand......

Once I found out I was having a girl I made arrangements to move back home away from my husband. He's an alcoholic. He cheated on me. At that time we were married 10yrs and I was just done. It's now a year later. He accumulated 2 DUIs and is dealing with those. But supposedly he's trying to get everything straight and move home with us. Because of the DUIs he had to attend treatment and AA meetings and because of this he's been sober for 97 days. (That I know of). I need counseling too. I've got a lot of hurt and anger and trust issues because of this because of him.

Here's my question....am I supposed to be part of the "solution" or recovery I guess for him? He spends a lot if time on the phone. Over 2000 minutes, 8000 text messages a month and a fraction of those minutes/texts are to me. Because of his cheating on me in the past idk if he's on the phone "getting help" or it's just the same old stuff. And because if his "sobriety" I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I have been, (I want our marriage to work, I want to give him and us a chance to be the family I want) but lately my gut tells me to cut ties. To just stop. To let him go.

So the question is, should I be a major part of his support system in recovery. Should I be one of the main people he talks to to help him through a rough patch in his recovery? If I'm not and this other person he's spending all this time talking is a woman, how do I deal with that?
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Wonderful post OM24 ;  I would take that advice verbatim. Steph, have you connected with Alanon? By supporting your own recovery, you are in turn supporting his recovery. How are you managing ? We care. Liz
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Avatar universal
Thank you. I do need help. And I can only work on me. You're absolutely right. Thank you for your response. I have the al-anon page bookmarked will look into it further. Good luck with and within your recovery.
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Avatar universal
Hi Steph, first let me suggest you get your own program of recovery going. You've been through quite a bit of emotional stress and having real people to sit and share with is one of the most therapeutic moves you can make for yourself. You need to think only of you and your baby. You're a perfect fit for al-anon meetings. Therefore your first question "should I be a major part of his support system in recovery", my answer is no. Do your own program and he does his and hopefully, together you'll find each other.

The other question: "and this other person he's spending all this time talking is a woman, how do I deal with that?" You don't. Nothing you do will control or stop something like that. We're all powerless over the thinking of other people. All we can do is allow them the consequences of their action and work on our own mental health. You need to be relaxed and serene with your baby. Holding her in that manner passes that on to her. So you're in dire need to find peace in your life right now, not fight a constant fight where nobody is the winner. That's just stresses u out!

Lets hope your hub's on the phone with an AA sponsor or friend in recovery. You just become the best you can be and allow that guy to be exactly who he is, because when push comes to shove that's exactly who he will be no matter what. I belong to NA, been in recovery for almost 31 years with a recent disaster of going out that I'm recovering from. it took what it took before I decided to come back to my senses and get back into recovery. Thats what it will take for your hub to come around. When a horse thief sobers up, they become a sober horse thief. THEN, in recovery, they deal with the horse thief part. I'm also a member of al-anon, and I guarantee you'll meet other woman exactly like yourself, with similar circumstances. Give al-anon a try. Best to you and your new baby!!
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