Avatar universal

Can anyone offer advice/guidance with our open adoption process?

In June of 2015 a  friend of mine and my girlfriend approached us.she was 28 weeks pregnant and asked if we would adopt. We had tried ivf several times resulting in 2 miscarriages over a 3 year period and she knew how badly we wanted a child .  She is in a very bad situation and simply could not care for her or provide a good life for her. I had fallen to my knees praying the night before asking God to help me accept being a mother wasn't for me. The next day was when we were asked to adopt. I felt it was a sign from God. We wanted to immediately agree, but we needed to have many conversations, figure out finances, and do research. When we agreed it was after all precautions were taken. We mutually agreed an open adoption was best for everyone involved. We discussed boundaries and the level of openness.  I induced lactation so that I could breast feed and do skin to skin with our newborn and my girlfriend cut the cord. The hospital was a horrific experience.mostly because we were lesbians adopting a baby that was born in a military hospital and many of the staff members tried to force the bio mom to change her mind, or make things extremely difficult and painful for us as adoptive parents, but also because as I breast Fed or changed or talked to my baby, she would be in her face also talking to her or trying to tell me what to do and how to do it... With the bio mom being such a good friend prior to the adoption we felt comfortable talking to her when boundaries were crossed. After we brought our baby home from the hospital though, it seemed as though all conversations went out the window. She insisted on calling our daughter her daughter, (we originally agreed she would be the Aunt,  because she is like a sister to us. Therefore our daughter would be her niece. That was how we referred to the relationship the entire pregnancy) she proceeded to tell her family that she had a baby, but did not tell them that she had given the child to us to adopt.  we allowed her boyfriend (not the bio father) and her dad to be at the hospital during and after the birth and to meet our new baby. We agreed on combined family vacAtions as our daughter got older, and pictures and occasional phone calls. However,she and her father continued to tell family members that the bio mom had a child and implied that she was keeping her. They sent HER presents , money, and congratulations for the baby which she did not give to us..she kept. She even talked to her soon to be ex husbands family (ex husband is also not the bio father) about our daughter and allowed them to refer to her as their granddaughter,  niece, or cousin even though in no way are they related. They even tried contacting us to come see the child saying that the bio mom would always be like a daughter/sister to them therefore HER child was also their family. This made me uncomfortable. Especially because she is divorcing him for being abusive and his family are known alcoholics.we delicately handled the situation, I got the bio mom in contact with some friends of mine who had also placed a baby with an adoptive family to try and give her someone to talk to that has been through what she is currently going through. This helped her back off a little, but she began showing up at our house unexpectedly , trying to walk in and see the baby, calling daily to check on her and continuously referring to our baby as HER child. Finally we had a long talk with her, re-established boundaries, and many tears were shed on both ends as we all tried to understand the others feelings and what was best for the baby. My girlfriend and I needed a chance to bond as a family and we were not trying to keep our daughter from her, but we needed space and alone time. My daughter got to the point where if she could hear me but not see me she was inconsolable. I believe the hospital experience played a large part in this and so we needed time to let our daughter understand we were not going anywhere. Now our daughter is almost 4 months old and has not seen her bio mom since she was 2 weeks old. I'm struggling to know when the right time to reintroduce the bio mom and our daughter would be. I do still want an open adoption, I think it's what our daughter deserves and the bio mom does love her very much. I am afraid I should not keep them apart any longer because I feel that maybe that is my own insecurities and feelings coming into play and not what's best for our child. I am also worried that the bio mom will become too attached again as we JUST established boundaries and she is slowly severing ties in the sense of she is not going to be the one raising her. She is not going to be called mom. I know that she wants to see the baby and I feel as though maybe I should allow that but I'm very scared that it will undo all the progress we have made thus far. Does anyone have any advice or personal experience they would be willing to share?  I'm open to constructive critisicm but please no judgements on anyone involved.

-A concerned parent.
1 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
560091 tn?1437051032
I read your story and I feel for you on a very personal level. I'm an adoptive mother in an open adoption my son is almost 4 and we've had him since birth.. it's never easy finding that medium. I think you've handled the situation with grace and done the right thing. Establishing a bond is VERY important and it's hard to do with the Biofamily around.  You shouldn't feel ashamed of wanting space or alone time with your baby. Open adoption is and always will be a day by day process. Today you may feel open and ready to share, tomorrow you may feel more protective and secluded. It has taken me a VERY long time to get to the point I'm in with our open adoption.

Question, are you still in your probational period to finalize the adoption? In my state we had a 6 month time frame. If so I would wait until the 6 months has passed to reach out and establish the relationship again. Just to make sure everything is signed and over legal wise.

Feel free to ask any question  and good luck to you
Helpful - 1

You are reading content posted in the Adoption Community

Top Parenting Answerers
Learn About Top Answerers
Popular Resources
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
6 essential foods for new moms (and their newborns!)
What to expect in your growing baby
Learn which foods aren't safe to eat when you're eating for two.